Asking The Father's Permission For Marriage: Old and done, or traditional?

[Flying Headbutt]

Have we reached a point in society where potential grooms asking for the potential bride's father to give his blessing is no longer a custom worth keeping? Or is it a good, old fashioned tribute to the family?

Just curious. I have a good friend who, a few years ago, made sure to get the blessing before he popped the question. But my dad never bothered 30-some years ago when he asked my mom, though part of that was, I think, because he thought my grandparents would have said no. But now with my sister about to get proposed to, it's been made clear that my dad doesn't want any part of that blessing nonsense, and if the boy wants to ask her, he can just go ahead and let her decide.

Me personally I haven't gotten that far, yet, with anyone. Though I had one girl make clear that if I expected to, I'd better get the blessing first.

So? Arguments for? And against?

 

[Ace]

If you like and respect the pops, it's nice.

 

[Platyrhynchos]

I didn't ask my FIL for permission.

He likely would have said, "No."

Not really. I like my ex-FIL and MIL, and they like(d) me.

 

[Big Buckin' agate_monkey]

A friend of my got engaged 2 weeks ago. Her fiance asked her folks first. I'll ask when i get to that point

 

[D-3 Fan]

If you like and respect the pops, it's nice.

It depends on who the old man is. If he's still old school, go and ask him for his blessing. If he doesn't think it's a big deal, go on and pop the question to the fiancee.

Some dads think it's nice that someone asks them for a blessing to ask their daughters' hand in marriage. It shows respect to them and their daughters. It's like an affirmation of trust.

 

[Webster]

I didn't -- thought that it was antiquated and somewhat sexist.

My father-in-law, a bleeding heart's bleeding heart, who hasn't said a cross word to me in the 10 years that I've dated/lived with/was engaged to/married to his daughter, wished that I would have.

 

[Omar_dont_scare]

I think it's a matter of respect to ask the parents first, assuming that your significant other has a good relationship with her folks.

 

[Platyrhynchos]

I think it's a matter of respect to ask the parents first, assuming that your significant other has a good relationship with her folks.

Mine didn't.
Only after we were married did she get back on terms with her parents.
I like to think I had a little say in that matter.

I really don't think it is at all necessary to ask permission, and think the custom likely stems from way back when dowries were paid.
Besides, if the future FIL says no, chances are the couple will elope and really **** off the ol' boy.

 

[93Devil]

My wife is wearing her mother's ring who has since passed. Since the ring was in the father's possession...

I would have asked her dad anyway.

I forget to get on one knee, though. I popped when we were walking the dogs in the park.

The one thing I did do right was do it in a place that will always be there. It's nice to say something when we drive past.

 

[GB-Hack]

I did, and while it didn't work out, I'm glad I did.

He was very good to me.

 

[Cadet]

Congrats to Sis FH!

And have any of you considered asking the WOMAN what she wants? Your relationship ain't about her dad. She may have strong feelings about you asking her father, one way or the other. Assuming your proposal doesn't come out of left field (and it shouldn't), consult her about the need for a parental blessing before the formal proposal.

 

[wickedwritah]

And have any of you considered asking the WOMAN what she wants? Your relationship ain't about her dad. She may have strong feelings about you asking her father, one way or the other. Assuming your proposal doesn't come out of left field (and it shouldn't), consult her about the need for a parental blessing before the formal proposal.

But that would require good communication. Why have that? ???

 

[BTExpress]

And have any of you considered asking the WOMAN what she wants? Your relationship ain't about her dad. She may have strong feelings about you asking her father. Assuming your proposal doesn't come out of left field (and it shouldn't), consult her about the need for a parental blessing before the formal proposal.

"So Babs, I was thinking, that before I ask you to marry me next Thursday that I would, you know, check with your old man to see if he's cool with it. You on board with that?"

 

[Fenian_Bastard]

If her father is one of the Plantagenets, I'd do it.
Otherwise, for all its surface civility, it's a throwback to the days when women were property to be bartered.
If you do it, though, make sure to lift a flagon of ale, lest ye be thought a varlet.

 

[trifectarich]

I think it's a nice thing to do, but, boy, that's a tough question.

My father-in-law definitely would have said no to his third daughter if her boyfriend had asked. Everyone in the family thought those two getting married was an enormous mistake, but turns out everyone would have been wrong. They've now been married, I'm guessing, 15 years with everything going swimmingly.

 

[Chi City 81]

I didn't ask my FIL. I hadn't even met him yet. My wife didn't care.

 

[Pastor]

I didn't -- thought that it was antiquated and somewhat sexist.

FACT!

I didn't do it. In fact, I didn't even meet my father-in-law until after we were engaged. Then again, I wasn't exactly going to jump on an airplane and fly to China without knowing the language or having a translator with me.

Additionally, my wife and I have things pretty cool. There's lots of communication. There really aren't many surprises.

 

[ArnoldBabar]

My FIL's response when I asked was, "That'll work." It constituted high praise from the man.

Unless you have a bad relationship with the future in-laws, there's really no downside to doing it. We all know it's the woman's decision, but asking for dad's blessing is a sign of respect and a good way to get off on the right foot with the in-laws. Plus your fiance will almost certainly find it charming.

 

[JR]

Well, I've been married several times and I never asked.

 

[Rosie]

Cadet brings up a very good point. Most women don't want to feel like property.

So, let me ask you guys this. What if the bride-to-be asks the groom's parents for his hand in marriage?

Edit: Sorry ArnoldBabar, I would have been ticked off.