Asking The Father's Permission For Marriage: Old and done, or traditional?

[EStreetJoe]

I couldn't ask. My wife's father died about 10-11 years before I met her and her mother never remarried.
However I didn't ask her mother's permission. But it hasn't changed anything as my mother-in-law and I get along fine.

 

[ArnoldBabar]

Cadet brings up a very good point. Most women don't want to feel like property.

So, let me ask you guys this. What if the bride-to-be asks the groom's parents for his hand in marriage?

Edit: Sorry ArnoldBabar, I would have been ticked off.

Again, it's not a matter of permission, it's a courtesy extended to your prospective wife's family. I wouldn't think anyone would do it if they expected the dad to not offer his blessing, or if him doing so would actually effect whether you got married.

It's a polite gesture, like opening the door for a woman -- it doesn't imply you think the woman is incapable of opening the door, it's just a nice thing to do.

 

[imjustagirl2]

I would be rather insulted if my boyfriend asked my father for his permission to propose to me. I'm my own woman, and I don't need my father's OK to get married.

Oh, come off it. Him giving permission, like a blessing, is not saying you have to marry the guy or that you're now his property to clean and cook.

It's common courtesy.

I might ask your dad if I can marry you for that comment alone.

He'd marry me off to anyone who would ask.

Doesn't mean I have to marry you. :D

 

[imjustagirl2]

It's a polite gesture, like opening the door for a woman -- it doesn't imply you think the woman is incapable of opening the door, it's just a nice thing to do.

Oh god, don't open that can of worms.

 

[Jim Rockford]

Let's put it this way since many on here are probably young enough to be my kids. If you're 22 and you're asking my 20-year-old daughter, OK. If you're 40 and you're asking to marry my 38-year-old daughter, don't bother me. She's old enough and you're old enough to do whatever you want, you've been around the block by that point, and I'd be too old at that point to be bothered. I'd have too much fishing to do.

 

[sportschick]

Again, AB, you should take your fiancee's views into account. It's great that you'd ask for a blessing, but I'd be insulted if you did.

 

[writing irish]

Obviously, there could be any number of exceptions. If the woman's dad had been an immense douche to her, he might have forfeited certain respects long before I came along.

 

[imjustagirl2]

Well yes, my comments are all predicated on it being what the woman would want. If she wants it, and he'd appreciate it, and the guy asking doesn't do it...that's douchish.

 

[Omar_dont_scare]

I think from reading the responses here, it's obvious it depends on the individuals' wishes regarding this issue.

Maybe my situation was different, but my proposal certainly did not come out of the blue. We talked about the future, marriage, kids and what not several times before I actually popped the question.

During those talks, she made it rather clear that she thought it'd be a good idea if I talked to her mom first before actually proposing.

And I see IJAG addressed this issue already.

 

[writing irish]

Well yes, my comments are all predicated on it being what the woman would want. If she wants it, and he'd appreciate it, and the guy asking doesn't do it...that's douchish.

Yeah, it's all about the special lady. If, like SC, she didn't want me to, I sure wouldn't press the issue. I'm marrying the woman, not daddy.

 

[ArnoldBabar]

All I know is if my fiance thought so little of me as to think I was asking her father's blessing as some kind of property claim, we probably shouldn't be getting married.

And geez, I didn't even begin negotiating the dowry until much later in the conversation.

 

[BigSleeper]

Despite what I said above, if this is her father ...

... then you damn well better ask.

:)

 

[buckweaver]

My little sister just got engaged this summer. Her fiance, not necessarily being a traditionalist but because he was too giddy to keep it in before actually proposing to her, asked me and my mom for blessing/permission/whatev at dinner one night. I thought that was hella cool, and was very honored that he included me, too.

 

[Kid Bro Sweets]

I don't get along with my in-laws, never really liked them, yet I was 100% on board with asking their permission. They lived like 100 miles away. I lied to my (wife) about where I was going, rolled over to her parents' house and asked them.

It's not about viewing my wife as property. It's about showing her parents some respect, though they totally don't deserve it.

Someone earlier said the FIL said: "Awww, you didn't have to ask me."

$50 cash money says he was impressed.

I can't think of a situation where being old-school polite would get you into trouble. People might not think it's appropriate or whatever, but at least they'll see that you're making the attempt to be polite. Why not?

 

[mike311gd]

My little sister just got engaged this summer. Her fiance, not necessarily being a traditionalist but because he was too giddy to keep it in before actually proposing to her, asked me and my mom for blessing/permission/whatev at dinner one night. I thought that was hella cool, and was very honored that he included me, too.

He was probably enamored by your wealth of knowledge of the Dead Ball Era.

 

[KYSportsWriter]

If you're 22 and you're asking my 20-year-old daughter, OK.

Number please. :D

:D

:D

:D

 

[buckweaver]

My little sister just got engaged this summer. Her fiance, not necessarily being a traditionalist but because he was too giddy to keep it in before actually proposing to her, asked me and my mom for blessing/permission/whatev at dinner one night. I thought that was hella cool, and was very honored that he included me, too.

He was probably enamored by your wealth of knowledge of the Dead Ball Era.

Nah, I just bought him a beer that night. ;)

 

[Frank_Ridgeway]

I agree with those who say it's outdated and sexist, and I did it only because my wife made it clear I had to. I felt ridiculous asking my FIL, but it's two minutes out of my life, so what's the harm? We have a pretty modern marriage otherwise -- she kept her last name, we go 50-50 on everything financial, there's a fair division of household labor, etc.

 

[mike311gd]

My little sister just got engaged this summer. Her fiance, not necessarily being a traditionalist but because he was too giddy to keep it in before actually proposing to her, asked me and my mom for blessing/permission/whatev at dinner one night. I thought that was hella cool, and was very honored that he included me, too.

He was probably enamored by your wealth of knowledge of the Dead Ball Era.

Nah, I just bought him a beer that night. ;)

I really liked my sister's boyfriends because they knew that was the key to our relationship. ****, that's the main reason I get along with my brother-in-law.

 

[wickedwritah]

Again, AB, you should take your fiancee's views into account. It's great that you'd ask for a blessing, but I'd be insulted if you did.

Maybe you just want to give the parents a heads-up, too, and keep them in the loop.

I mean, who's gonna say no? The only way a sane parent is gonna say no is when their kid is marrying a total douche, and that's the kind of guy who would just elope and say "screw your dad/mom," anyway.