Your first time

[Flash]

For some reason, I stuck my thumb in her vagina when I was done. You may or may not have.

You just can't make that **** up.

 

[sportschick]

Wow, just wow.

 

[mike311gd]

I don't care the purpose of the thread is, I'm going with the thread title and my expectation of said title.

First weekend in college, before classes started, my best friend -- and suitemate -- and I had about eight people from back home helping us move and such. His girlfriend was making fun of me saying I could never get laid if I didn't trim my nose hair...not that it was crazy long or anything.

I said, "**** you, Jobu. I can get laid whenever I want." Later that night, we all go to some party and my group of friends meets a group of girls who are staying in the same dorm as us. We're all ****ed up. I was drunk, on mushrooms, and took a form of acid called gel tabs...not to mention all the joints we smoked.

Night goes on, we all go back to my and my suitemate's rooms. There's like 12 people packed in a 10x12. People are passed out on the tile floor, but I'm in my bed. One of the chicks crawls in with me and we're kissing and ****. I say, "your lips would feel a lot better down there." She obliges.

I grab a condom and pull her gently back up -- she had braces, mind you -- slip on the condom and awkwardly go to work. The Master P song "Pushin' Inside You" was on the stereo. No ****, swear to god. I didn't even last the whole song...and it was like a three-minute song...and I was on all the above listed drugs.

She gets up and disappointedly walks to the bathroom. I sit up to throw the condom in the trash and one of my buddies is staring at me with the widest eyes you've ever seen. I just nod my head and lay back down...immediately falling asleep.

I wake up the next day and go rub it in my buddy's girlfriend's face. She was shocked. But, not as shocked as I when I found out she was just visiting her friends and had to go back to school...high school. She was about to be a junior.

I never knew her name, so she's always been referred to as Jane Doe.

Great stuff. That's just like my first time, only there were no drugs involved, we -- me a high-school senior and she, a junior -- were completely sober and alone ... and I knew her name.

There's absolutely no correlation between our two exercises in futility...other than leaving a woman dissatisfied. (High-five!)

Case in point:

You cared about your girlfriend. I didn't have the decency to ask this **** her name.

I didn't last through a terrible Master P song. You claim 31 minutes.

For some reason, I stuck my thumb in her vagina when I was done. You may or may not have.

Most importantly, I closed the entire deal -- including falling asleep -- in less than 20 minutes. It took you 13 months and change...plus money. :-*

I was hoping you'd pick up on that.

And though it took a while to pry open that girl's legs, I did **** this one girl on New Year's a few years ago, and that's a way better story -- but I'll leave it for another day and place. Anyway, I knew her first name, but had no idea anything other than she was easy and had a name. The next afternoon, I reach into my pocket and pull out this piece of paper with a full name and a number I didn't know -- with an area code I didn't know existed. I thought about it for a minute and said, "Oh, Rachel has a last name, too? Neat."

 

[mike311gd]

For some reason, I stuck my thumb in her vagina when I was done. You may or may not have.

You just can't make that **** up.

And no. I've never put a thumb in a love tunnel.

 

[BYH]

I took the condom off and threw it onto the microwave I had in my room, where it sat in plain view for all who came in my room to see.

This may be the funniest sentence I've ever read.

Mike, I wish you hadn't spent more than 45 days on the active roster last year. I really do.

 

[21]

I sit up to throw the condom in the trash

I wake up the next day and go rub it in my buddy's girlfriend's face.

Which is it?

 

[User 1019]

PO, it's like this, man:

 

[Dirk Legume]

I don't care the purpose of the thread is, I'm going with the thread title and my expectation of said title.

First weekend in college, before classes started, my best friend -- and suitemate -- and I had about eight people from back home helping us move and such. His girlfriend was making fun of me saying I could never get laid if I didn't trim my nose hair...not that it was crazy long or anything.

I said, "**** you, Jobu. I can get laid whenever I want." Later that night, we all go to some party and my group of friends meets a group of girls who are staying in the same dorm as us. We're all ****ed up. I was drunk, on mushrooms, and took a form of acid called gel tabs...not to mention all the joints we smoked.

Night goes on, we all go back to my and my suitemate's rooms. There's like 12 people packed in a 10x12. People are passed out on the tile floor, but I'm in my bed. One of the chicks crawls in with me and we're kissing and ****. I say, "your lips would feel a lot better down there." She obliges.

I grab a condom and pull her gently back up -- she had braces, mind you -- slip on the condom and awkwardly go to work. The Master P song "Pushin' Inside You" was on the stereo. No ****, swear to god. I didn't even last the whole song...and it was like a three-minute song...and I was on all the above listed drugs.

She gets up and disappointedly walks to the bathroom. I sit up to throw the condom in the trash and one of my buddies is staring at me with the widest eyes you've ever seen. I just nod my head and lay back down...immediately falling asleep.

I wake up the next day and go rub it in my buddy's girlfriend's face. She was shocked. But, not as shocked as I when I found out she was just visiting her friends and had to go back to school...high school. She was about to be a junior.

I never knew her name, so she's always been referred to as Jane Doe.

Great stuff. That's just like my first time, only there were no drugs involved, we -- me a high-school senior and she, a junior -- were completely sober and alone ... and I knew her name.

There's absolutely no correlation between our two exercises in futility...other than leaving a woman dissatisfied. (High-five!)

Case in point:

You cared about your girlfriend. I didn't have the decency to ask this **** her name.

I didn't last through a terrible Master P song. You claim 31 minutes.

For some reason, I stuck my thumb in her vagina when I was done. You may or may not have.

Most importantly, I closed the entire deal -- including falling asleep -- in less than 20 minutes. It took you 13 months and change...plus money. :-*

, "Oh, Rachel has a last name, too? Neat."

I have no idea why this made me laugh, but it did...out loud.

And Flash, I don't believe you're a girl (nah...i'm just stirrin' up ****, I was there that night)

 

[writing irish]

Not the very first time, but one of the first times I ever went down on a girl stands out in my mind as I read this thread. You see, there was a sports tie-in.

October 25, 1986. A generic dorm on the campus of an eastern Massachusetts university. I'm excited because the Sox will have a chance to win it all that night at Shea. My fellow freshmen buddies are primed with plenty of snacks, beers and weed for the evening ahead.

However, I'm equally excited by my new girlfriend, a very sweet and blazing hot Chinese girl from NY. Shortly before first pitch, we're in her room and we start making out. It starts to get a little steamy, and I'm conscious that I'll probably miss the first few innings. "No big deal," I think.

Well, time flies when you're 17 and thus engaged. After a while, I'm thinking that the game must be well underway, but no chance in hell am I stopping. We're doing things she hasn't let me do before and then, as now, there are a few things in life more important than baseball. Not many, but a few. Anyway...

Finally, after a few hours that seemed like a half hour, I'm going down before the holy of holies. Without going into unnecessary detail, it was a transcendentally pleasing experience on all counts. I'm thanking God for the privilege of being born and praying that my tongue won't get too tired, when suddenly I hear a cry...not from her...a collective cry of anguish from the entire dormitory around us.

"What the hell?" I think. "Something bad involving the Red Sox? I bet it was Schiraldi. Oh well. Lap, lap, lap, munch, munch, munch..." And so, a half hour or so later, following a lovely denouement, I emerge from the chambre d'amour. My buddies are in a haze of cigarette and weed smoke. The cry, of course, was the ball going through Buckner's legs. They were so distraught, they didn't even ask where I'd been. "At least I didn't miss the Sox winning the Series," I thought silently. Anyway, the strange combination of sensory input that I experienced at the moment of Buckner's error is definitely etched onto my memory.

 

[dreunc1542]

Wow. This has been one of the funniest pages in SJ history. Just great stuff all around.

 

[Overrated]

PO, it's like this, man:

Ha! I knew there was a reason I stuck my thumb in her already-drying cooter. Eleven years later, I'm rewarded with the shocker picture.

 

[writing irish]

Maybe I should know this, but what, exactly, were you trying to accomplish by sticking your thumb in her? were you trying to scrape her g-spot with your thumbnail? Hitchiking to her clit? Did she have a Fonzie fetish?

 

[Ace]

PO, it's like this, man:

Ha! I knew there was a reason I stuck my thumb in her already-drying cooter. Eleven years later, I'm rewarded with the shocker picture.

Next time don't save your best digit for last.

 

[Overrated]

Maybe I should know this, but what, exactly, were you trying to accomplish by sticking your thumb in her?

**** if I know. Seemed like the thing to do.

 

[User 1019]

Maybe I should know this, but what, exactly, were you trying to accomplish by sticking your thumb in her? were you trying to scrape her g-spot with your thumbnail? Hitchiking to her clit? Did she have a Fonzie fetish?

**** like that's the reason I hang around here.

 

[BYH]

"What the hell?" I think. "Something bad involving the Red Sox? I bet it was Schiraldi. Oh well. Lap, lap, lap, munch, munch, munch..."

I was wrong. THIS is the funniest thing I've ever read here.

Sorry Mike. You reek of fail again.

 

[dreunc1542]

I really feel like the only way this thread could reach new heights is if Jones comes on here and explains his first time. Other than that, not sure a story's going to top the one by WI.

 

[Angola!]

I really feel like the only way this thread could reach new heights is if Jones comes on here and explains his first time. Other than that, not sure a story's going to top the one by WI.

Yeah, I was going to tell the story of my first time, but I will save it for the reincarnation of this thread.

 

[Ace]

A complete thread jacking topped with a thumb sodomization.

This is writhing for thread of the year honors.

 

[mike311gd]

I took the condom off and threw it onto the microwave I had in my room, where it sat in plain view for all who came in my room to see.

This may be the funniest sentence I've ever read.

Mike, I wish you hadn't spent more than 45 days on the active roster last year. I really do.

I wish the same thing, too. I don't think I really started posting here until March, maybe April or May.