RIP and Why Oh You

[alleyallen]

it's acknowledgement we all share the joys and pain of living and dying. we didn't ask to be brought into the world, and we don't always leave on our terms either. i don't see it as forced or phony (not directed at you slappy) to wish the deceased eternal peace. i also understand this can be a jaded group.

I didn't take it that way. But it seems forced and phony to write our "thoughts and prayers" are with a distant someone we have no connection to.
As I said, if it's someone you know and has affected you, and I offer my thoughts, that's one one thing.There's a personal connection because I know you.
But I've never met Ted Kennedy. Has he done a lot for the country? Of course. But for me to write my thoughts and prayers are with him and his family in a place that will never see me offer my thoughts and prayers seems.. I dunno, forced and contrived. It seems like it's out there, not for hios family, but so everyone else in our little group can see me do it.
I'm not being bitter and jaded about this. It's something that just hit me in the last two days -- existential condolences.
If one of the Kennedy kids posted here, yeah, we'd be all over it. They would be a member of our extended, dysfunctional family (like they need another one).
if you don't know the person and have no personal connection to him , who cares if your thoughts and prayers are with them or you wish them to RIP...
The more I post on this, the more I find the habit odd and self-serving.

Again, it's only started bothering me the last few days and I'm not trying to be a ****. Am just trying to understand why people -- including myself -- do it/have done it.

I agreee with Alley, you offer because you want to let people directly involved know you care. But if those people will never see it, it comes across as forced and phony.

Slap...I'll use one of my RIP threads as an example. When my first ex-wife, Ruthie, died, it hit me much harder than I expected. And knowing that I have shared and will continue to share stories about her, it seemed appropriate to use that thread as a way to express my grief.

That so many people ... none of whom knew her ... took the time to say kind words, even if it was a simple RIP, meant a great deal to me. Because it shows people care about me (and I, them). And if they care about me, then by extensions they probably care to a degree about the things which affect me.

Each one of us had some similar thoughts to Fenian leaving and his thread was almost like an RIP thread, with the exception that the deceased gets to read our comments and speak from beyond the grave.

Again...to me it's about sharing your life and feelings with others. And remember...funerals and weddings supposedly are never about the people directly involved. Don't know where I heard that.

 

[slappy4428]

And condolences in your instance aren't what I'm talking about.
She was your ex-wife and many people here were sincere; they knew you, knew your grief and were there for you. That's human nature. That's a one or two degrees of separation. They knew her death affected you and that was enough for them. They had your back, so to speak.

It's the Ted Kennedys and Heath Ledgers of the world I'm talking about. We don't know them, but offer a perfunctory "RIP or thoughts and prayers" because it seems like we're supposed to. "Oh, someone famous is sick or died. RIP. my thoughts and prayers...."
It's not the personal level I'm talking about; it's the off-handed formulaic things I'm talking about.

 

[alleyallen]

And condolences in your instance aren't what I'm talking about.
She was your ex-wife and many people here were sincere; they knew you, knew your grief and were there for you. That's human nature. That's a one or two degrees of separation. They knew her death affected you and that was enough for them. They had your back, so to speak.

It's the Ted Kennedys and Heath Ledgers of the world I'm talking about. We don't know them, but offer a perfunctory "RIP or thoughts and prayers" because it seems like we're supposed to. "Oh, someone famous is sick or died. RIP. my thoughts and prayers...."
It's not the personal level I'm talking about; it's the off-handed formulaic things I'm talking about.

I gotcha now! And yes, I can see where the comments in those cases do seem somewhat empty.

As advanced a species as we are, we still haven't learned how to properly express many of our emotions. Maybe, hopefully, one day we'll figure out how to express our emotions with regards to death.

 

[The Big Ragu]

Bear with me for a second.
I've been guilty of this on this board on many occasions just as well. . But the Kennedy thread got me wondering... (and it just happens to be the example)
You know there's no member of the Kennedys reading this board, But everyone is offering the thoughts and prayers because of his brain tumor.

I know for a fact that Caroline reads and loves SportsJournalists.com.

She did tell me she was thinking about nuking herself and starting a farewell thread, Smasher.

I have had the same thought, Slappy, so you are not alone. On that thread, a person or two weighed in to simply say, "my best wishes to his family" or things like that, and I was thinking, "They are not going to see it." But I didn't doubt that those people were trying to express that it is sad news when someone gets a brain tumor and Kennedy is someone we all know because he is prominent.

 

[slappy4428]

I have had the same thought, Slappy, so you are not alone. On that thread, a person or two weighed in to simply say, "my best wishes to his family" or things like that, and I was thinking, "They are not going to see it." But I didn't doubt that those people were trying to express that it is sad news when someone gets a brain tumor and Kennedy is someone we all know because he is prominent.

And in some cases, even tho you didn't know a person or anyone who knew the person or anyone who knew anyone..., you can tell if someone was affected by the news. The sincerity does show through.

It's the others that seem (as AA said) empty that bother me.

 

[alleyallen]

Slap...I guess with any thread on here, the same rule applies. If you're moved to post on it, go ahead and post and don't worry too much about what others will think.

 

[novelist_wannabe]

We do it, I think, because we've been conditioned to believe we're supposed to. Because this is the way a civilized society behaves. It's along the same lines of the insincere apologies we hear from time to time ... "I'm sorry if my words or actions offended anyone ..." Everyone knows it's contrived, but to not make that apology is worse. If you only care enough to say, "thoughts and prayers" or "my condolences" well, that's better than not caring at all, right?

 

[slappy4428]

Slap...I guess with any thread on here, the same rule applies. If you're moved to post on it, go ahead and post and don't worry too much about what others will think.

I agree.
Again, this is just something that has struck me recently. And I've done it as much as anyone else.

And novelist... would it be offering thoughts or condolences because you really are affected and want to or it's systematic... Is a conditioned response caring?

I'm not downing anyone for doing it, but am in the midst of a sincere questioning of the process...

 

[alleyallen]

Slap...I guess with any thread on here, the same rule applies. If you're moved to post on it, go ahead and post and don't worry too much about what others will think.

I agree.
Again, this is just something that has struck me recently. And I've done it as much as anyone else.

And novelist... would it be offering thoughts or condolences because you really are affected and want to or it's systematic... Is a conditioned response caring?

I'm not downing anyone for doing it, but am in the midst of a sincere questioning of the process...

Novelist is onto something here. I think we maybe are socially conditioned to offer some kind of response, even a hollow one. Silence isn't something people are comfortable with, so they offer inane RIPs and apologies because they feel they have to say something.

 

[westcoastvol]

Or, you could create a thread that ******* about disingenuous RIPs and post-padding as a way to soar even further beyond 20k posts...

 

[John]

Bear with me for a second.
I've been guilty of this on this board on many occasions just as well. . But the Kennedy thread got me wondering... (and it just happens to be the example)
You know there's no member of the Kennedys reading this board, But everyone is offering the thoughts and prayers because of his brain tumor. And a lot of it seems, well, offhand lbecause of its what you're supposed to say. Not ripping the people who mean it, but it just seems sometimes what you're supposed to say.
Same goes to threads where someone dies and you post something that ends in "RIP".
Now, you probably dont know the family specifically and they aren't reading this thread.
So why do you say something like "good man. RIP" that says nothing about a personal memory of that person or someone in the family.
Isn't it rather perfunctory? I can understand offering it to someone in the family or a close friend. But the RIP or We'll miss him angle seems so, oh, forced and phony. If something bad happens to someone here, I can understand it. You might not know the person personally, but you share this place as the bond.
I'm guilty too, but wanted to see why others do it.

I've thought the same thing on numerous occasions, including the Kennedy thread. And I've felt guilty for thinking that because I know what people are posting is coming from a good place.

I suppose I've just become too cynical. And slappy, I blame you for that.

 

[Oggiedoggie]

It's slightly amusing to see an AP news alert that someone has died and see how long it takes before an RIP thread is started.

Oh, and "RIP Hamilton Jordon."

"Good man, RIP."

"Prayers to his family"

"I guess God needed another former chief of staff to a naive president."

Damn, I am so lame. That could have been four posts.

 

[novelist_wannabe]

Yeah, I think in many cases it is a conditioned response. We start hearing from the time we start talking that please and thank you are the magic words and the conditioned responses build from that.

 

[Write-brained]

I understand the response, but I tend to save my condolences for when I really mean it. That way I'm always 100 percent sincere.

 

[Football_Bat]

I don't want to "out" her, but I thought everyone here knew Caroline Kennedy was Yawn ...

The key operating word being "was," of course.

 

[Smasher_Sloan]

Bear with me for a second.
I've been guilty of this on this board on many occasions just as well. . But the Kennedy thread got me wondering... (and it just happens to be the example)
You know there's no member of the Kennedys reading this board, But everyone is offering the thoughts and prayers because of his brain tumor.

I know for a fact that Caroline reads and loves SportsJournalists.com.

What's her screen name?

She lurks. Poor kid has spent half her life sitting shiva, and she's Irish Catholic.

 

[slappy4428]

I've thought the same thing on numerous occasions, including the Kennedy thread. And I've felt guilty for thinking that because I know what people are posting is coming from a good place.
I suppose I've just become too cynical. And slappy, I blame you for that.

Better me than soccer...

 

[John]

I've thought the same thing on numerous occasions, including the Kennedy thread. And I've felt guilty for thinking that because I know what people are posting is coming from a good place.
I suppose I've just become too cynical. And slappy, I blame you for that.

Better me than soccer...

Or Canada.

 

[Tom Petty]

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