Offending someone -- does intent need to be considered?

[imjustagirl]

I'm having a discussion with a friend of mine about some random things, and we got on to the topic of offensive things. He says intent has to be considered ... if it wasn't meant to be offensive, then it's not.

I said "If I say '**** your mom' and you say 'my mom's dead,' then that's my bad regardless of whether I meant to insult your dead mom.'

So what say you? Does intent matter when someone gets offended? If you didn't realize what you said was offensive, is it still offensive?

 

[Johnny Dangerously]

"The food here's so good, you'll want to slap your mama."

My mom is dead. She died from someone slapping her too hard.

"Oh, God. I didn't know. I'm sorry."

Nope. Makes no difference. You offended me.





(That dramatization in no way describes how I really feel. Yes, intent should be taken into consideration by a reasonable person, and/or once emotion is stripped away from the situation -- and if intent can actually be ascertained. But the question in your subject line is not the question you asked at the end of the post.)

 

[Care Bear]

I suppose it's just a matter of degrees. If someone I knew said "**** your mom," and my mom was dead, I would be incredibly offended and most likely never speak to that person again.

If the offender had no clue about my mom, I would be offended, but I would get over it. The person in that instance who uttered the phrase has already suffered, in my opinion, because he or she most likely feels like a complete asshole for making the statement in the first place.

So, in summary, **** everyone's mom.

 

[dooley_womack1]

So, in summary, **** everyone's mom.

The University of Akron apparently subscribes to your newsletter.

 

[imjustagirl]

J_D how is it not? If you didn't intend to offend someone, including not knowing that what you said was offensive, does that matter?

 

[Johnny Dangerously]

J_D how is it not? If you didn't intend to offend someone, including not knowing that what you said was offensive, does that matter?

EDIT: On first read, I was convinced you were asking slightly different questions with different connotations. Upon further review, while not completely conceding the point, I'll be damned if I can elaborate at this moment in a way that makes sense, so for now I am punting.

Which is not to be confused with Punto-ing.

 

[Bodie_Broadus]

I think the type of relationship I have with the person goes a long way toward me feeling offended or not.

One of the guys I work with said to a girl the other day, "what's up Chaz Bono?" This girl is the sweetest person you would ever want to meet. I was there when the guy said it and I told him it was incredibly offensive. He said he didn't mean it that way.

General consensus at work was what he said was very, very offensive.

 

[Johnny Dangerously]

I think the type of relationship I have with the person goes a long way toward me feeling offended or not.

Oh, and this.

 

[Care Bear]

I generally think of an offensive remark as something that a person would say knowing that there is some potential sting behind it.

Sometimes someone makes an innocent remark to the wrong person. Hopefully, the offended person has some perspective.

 

[dooley_womack1]

J_D how is it not? If you didn't intend to offend someone, including not knowing that what you said was offensive, does that matter?

EDIT: On first read, I was convinced you were asking slightly different questions with different connotations. Upon further review, while not completely conceding the point, I'll be damned if I can elaborate at this moment in a way that makes sense, so for now I am punting.

Which is not to be confused with Punto-ing.

Apparently, you offended IJAG's sensibilities.

 

[imjustagirl]

Also, to clarify, the "**** your mom" was me trying to make a point. That wasn't the central point of our conversation, so "**** your mom" shouldn't be the benchmark by which everyone judges offensiveness.

Except CB.

 

[Bodie_Broadus]

The dude who said what I posted is also the same guy who once said "if I didn't know what I did was a crime while I was doing it, I am not guilty."

So it is possible he is just a ****ing moron.

 

[LongTimeListener]

The dude who said what I posted is also the same guy who once said "if I didn't know what I did was a crime while I was doing it, I am not guilty."

So it is possible he is just a ****ing moron.

Yeah. I don't know how a Chaz Bono reference can be taken any other way than to be offended.

Intent matters to the degree the apology is sincere -- which, if there was no ill intent, there should be an apology.

 

[waterytart]

Let me complicate your question, IJAG.

A couple of times, someone has said something blatantly anti-Semitic in my presence, and the apology has been "I didn't know/completely forgot that you're Jewish." So the intention wasn't to offend me, but it damn sure was to say something bigoted. Yeah, that's offensive.

 

[imjustagirl]

You Jews. You're so sensitive.

 

[waterytart]

It's part of our charm.

 

[Clever username]

I guess have a problem with the premise the question; it seems like it's being asked from the wrong perspective. It isn't up to the person who makes the potentially-offensive comment to decide whether it's offensive or not. You may not think it's offensive, but if the person receiving the comment is offended, then it's offensive. There is no objective, reasonable person standard for offense because everyone's situation and life experience is different.

You may think making a joke about a fat person to a normal-sized or thin person is perfectly harmless, but that person's parent or sibling could have died of heart disease or diabetes brought on by their weight. You just never know. I'm not saying people shouldn't make jokes or comments or whatever, but you're assuming the risk of offending someone when you do. You don't get to decide how offended someone else gets.

 

[Versatile]

My father died when I was 19. Every single year since, at least one person who didn't know my father was dead has asked me what I got him for Father's Day. I'm not an emotional person, and I really don't get offended by anything. So I don't mind explaining and wish those people would feel less awkward and touchy about it.

I'm more angered by fake sympathy than anything. I can't stand the expression, "I'm so sorry to hear about [insert tragic event in other person's life]." You're sorry to hear about it? You're fine with it happening, then, as long as you never have to hear about it? Think about your words before you speak. I admit this pet peeve probably has something to do with being a copy editor.

But my dad died years ago. When you ask me what I got him for Father's Day, I'm more than happy to politely explain that he's dead. I'm not offended. Don't say you're sorry to hear about my loss. Don't ever tell someone you're sorry to hear about their loss. That's bull****.

I got completely sidetracked, IJAG, but to answer your proposed question: "**** your mom" is an insult no matter how you spin it, but your mom being dead isn't relevant if the person didn't know your mom was dead. If the person said "**** your mom" as a joke, they almost assuredly didn't know she was dead. If they were legitimately trying to insult you, mission accomplished. You're offended at their comment. That your mom is dead only makes their comment more harsh, thus more successful as an insult.

 

[ifilus]

Don't say you're sorry to hear about my loss. Don't ever tell someone you're sorry to hear about their loss. That's bull****.

Is it the "hear about" part that's "bull****"?

Is it okay to just say, "Sorry for your loss"?

 

[Versatile]

Don't say you're sorry to hear about my loss. Don't ever tell someone you're sorry to hear about their loss. That's bull****.

Is it the "hear about" part that's "bull****"?

Is it okay to just say, "Sorry for your loss"?

It's mostly the "hear about" part that I can't stand, but really, stop apologizing for things you played no role in. When I find out that a friend or family member has incurred a loss, I offer condolences. I ask if there's anything I can do to help. I don't apologize for something that had nothing to do with me. It seems awfully self-centered.

I realize that people just say these things because they're what's said. But I can't stand people who say things they don't mean. Think about the words coming from your mouth.

Again, I'm aware these feelings are mostly just a personal pet-peeve.