Helping those Depressed....And doing it all wrong

[qtlaw]

Someone very close to me recently showed me an article in the NY Times (sorry can't find it; just a small sidebar in yesterday's paper) about how best to help someone who's suffering from depression.

Two big takeaways:

1. Let them absolutely know that they are important to you and that you need them around; and

2. Don't try to tell them they are wrong or that life's great or what great things they have in their lives.

As a widely optimistic person who's default protection is to think "life can always be worse" I've been doing it all wrong. Luckily, my friend was very gracious and told me "that's okay, you didn't know what to do."

Hope this helps someone else besides myself.

 

[typefitter]

Yes, the "you know there are starving children in Africa" line, while well intentioned, isn't the pick-me-up some might think it is.

 

[qtlaw]

An newer article:

25 'Harmless' Comments That Actually Hurt People With Mental Illness

So I said almost all of them; I feel so lame.

 

[John B. Foster]

More athletes need to be like DeMar:

 

[Tweener]

An newer article:

25 'Harmless' Comments That Actually Hurt People With Mental Illness

So I said almost all of them; I feel so lame.

I can count on one hand how many of those comments, on the surface, sound harmless. If someone I cared about said some of those things to me, they'd be fighting words.

 

[forever_town]

I remember meeting a then-new roommate for the first time. He told me he had depression.

My immediate response was, "man, that sucks."

He then told me he could tell who'd dealt with depression in the past and who hadn't by their reactions to his revelation.

That response has stayed with me ever since. I'm not sure if that was a good thing or not.

 

[Severian]

I remember meeting a then-new roommate for the first time. He told me he had depression.

My immediate response was, "man, that sucks."

He then told me he could tell who'd dealt with depression in the past and who hadn't by their reactions to his revelation.

That response has stayed with me ever since. I'm not sure if that was a good thing or not.

So, saying, "man, that sucks" immediately disqualifies someone as ever having depression?

 

[Vombatus]

Today’s more appropriate responses might be:

“What meds are you on?”

“Do you have a gun?”

 

[BTExpress]

I remember meeting a then-new roommate for the first time. He told me he had depression.

My immediate response was, "man, that sucks."

He then told me he could tell who'd dealt with depression in the past and who hadn't by their reactions to his revelation.

That response has stayed with me ever since. I'm not sure if that was a good thing or not.

"Better you than me" is my go-to line in such situations.

 

[Vombatus]

"Better you than me" is my go-to line in such situations.

That seems like a twist on “Better Red than dead”.

 

[JRoyal]

I've dealt with depression, and I still don't know what to say to people who tell me they're dealing with it sometimes.

 

[typefitter]

I've dealt with depression, and I still don't know what to say to people who tell me they're dealing with it sometimes.

“****, I’m sorry. Hang in there. Sometimes life is really ****ing hard. It will get better. If you need anything in the meantime, I’m always here. I love you.”

 

[JRoyal]

“****, I’m sorry. Hang in there. Sometimes life is really ****ing hard. It will get better. If you need anything in the meantime, I’m always here. I love you.”

I usually say something along those lines. If it seems bad, I may ask if they've had thoughts of harming themselves. I always tell them I'm there if they need to talk or just need to someone to be there. In my experience, there were a lot of times I really didn't want to talk, but it was nice to have someone around.

 

[Severian]

“****, I’m sorry. Hang in there. Sometimes life is really ****ing hard. It will get better. If you need anything in the meantime, I’m always here. I love you.”

Some people might not feel comfortable with that. Everything else is perfect.

 

[typefitter]

Some people might not feel comfortable with that. Everything else is perfect.

Well, I'm assuming it's not a conversation you're having with your doorman. In that case, agreed.

 

[Amy]

“****, I’m sorry. Hang in there. Sometimes life is really ****ing hard. It will get better. If you need anything in the meantime, I’m always here. I love you.”

My recommendation is also delete the “Sometimes life is really hard. It will get better.”

Some depressions don’t have anything to do with a hard thing. They just happen. The idea of life getting better is so outside the realm of anything with this sort of chronic depression to grasp, it is meaningless.

If it is a depression triggered by some event, it may be something that doesn’t get better. Say, a death.

Say I’m sorry. Offer to do something with the person, even if it is only sitting in silence. Make sure the person is getting professional help. Remind the person if the first or second or third or fourth therapist sucks to keep looking until the right one is found. Make sure the person isn’t refusing medication because it would be a sign of weakness or some other perceived stigma. If it is someone you are close to, keep reaching out no matter how many times you are rebuffed.

 

[forever_town]

So, saying, "man, that sucks" immediately disqualifies someone as ever having depression?

I took it to mean he could tell I've either dealt with it myself or knew others who did.

 

[Vombatus]

My recommendation is also delete the “Sometimes life is really hard. It will get better.”

Some depressions don’t have anything to do with a hard thing. They just happen. The idea of life getting better is so outside the realm of anything with this sort of chronic depression to grasp, it is meaningless.

If it is a depression triggered by some event, it may be something that doesn’t get better. Say, a death.

Say I’m sorry. Offer to do something with the person, even if it is only sitting in silence. Make sure the person is getting professional help. Remind the person if the first or second or third or fourth therapist sucks to keep looking until the right one is found. Make sure the person isn’t refusing medication because it would be a sign of weakness or some other perceived stigma. If it is someone you are close to, keep reaching out no matter how many times you are rebuffed.

Great response, @Amy .

I think one key is offering to be there to LISTEN and support.

Offering a lot of potential solutions to someone sometimes isn’t at all helpful. They just need someone to LISTEN and to be there for them in the present moment.

 

[OscarMadison]

What a lot of people don't get is that it's not always circumstantial. Wonky body chemistry, head injuries, and sleep deprivation can trigger depressive episodes. I'm diabetic and have chronic pain. If I'm not careful, I can sink to a level where I'm spending my off hours staring at the ceiling. It has made me very aware of signs of depression or conditions that can lead to someone else tumbling into a sinkhole.

One evening I was at a used media store just west of Nashville. There was a woman my age who was arguing with someone who was trying to get her to eat a cookie because her numbers were dipping. She went outside to sit on one of the benches in front of the store. I sat with her and offered her the fig bar I carry for my own up and down days. She picked up a supplemental hymn booklet and started to sight read. I sat and listened while she sang from the book.

"Having no control over a metabolic disorder you can't take a vacation from can make you feel crazy," I said.

"Mad and crazy," she nodded. "Will you write it down for me? I like that."

I got out a pen and wrote it on the hymn book. Then I handed it and the fig bar to her and stayed for two more songs while she worked out her blues by making a joyful noise. She opened up the bar while I went inside. Maybe she was damned if she was going to sit there while someone watched her eat a cookie like a good girl. She didn't need to be told that life was good, that she was loved, that this would pass. She just needed to feel and vent without being judged. Sometimes that's what people with depression need.

 

[Slacker]

What a lot of people don't get is that it's not always circumstantial. Wonky body chemistry, head injuries, and sleep deprivation can trigger depressive episodes. I'm diabetic and have chronic pain. If I'm not careful, I can sink to a level where I'm spending my off hours staring at the ceiling. It has made me very aware of signs of depression or conditions that can lead to someone else tumbling into a sinkhole.

One evening I was at a used media store just west of Nashville. There was a woman my age who was arguing with someone who was trying to get her to eat a cookie because her numbers were dipping. She went outside to sit on one of the benches in front of the store. I sat with her and offered her the fig bar I carry for my own up and down days. She picked up a supplemental hymn booklet and started to sight read. I sat and listened while she sang from the book.

"Having no control over a metabolic disorder you can't take a vacation from can make you feel crazy," I said.

"Mad and crazy," she nodded. "Will you write it down for me? I like that."

I got out a pen and wrote it on the hymn book. Then I handed it and the fig bar to her and stayed for two more songs while she worked out her blues by making a joyful noise. She opened up the bar while I went inside. Maybe she was damned if she was going to sit there while someone watched her eat a cookie like a good girl. She didn't need to be told that life was good, that she was loved, that this would pass. She just needed to feel and vent without being judged. Sometimes that's what people with depression need.

That's awesome. And you're awesome.