Wedding Etiquette Dilemna

[Seabasket]

My evidence is entirely anecdotal, but relevant.

When my last BF proposed (after I gave him the whole "marriage is an evil tool of patriarchy" lecture and told him not to propose), I went along with it because I knew he had the marriage fantasy.

My first thought: Vegas.

His first thought: Huge church wedding (neither of us is religious) in his hometown (not mine) with 500 of our closest family and friends. Big frilly dress, huge wedding party, giant cake, limos, the works.

My second thought: Secluded beach wedding with only immediate family.

His second thought: Huge church wedding (neither of us is religious) in his hometown (not mine) with 500 of our closest family and friends. Big frilly dress, huge wedding party, giant cake, limos, the works.

These things were non-negotiable. This boy not only had a marriage timeline (had to happen by 30), but a wedding fantasy straight out of a magazine. This was among the many reasons we broke up.

Now before you all start chiding me on my taste in men, he is not the first that I dated to have such a wedding fantasy built up in his head. My own brother also had a wedding fantasy, though not to the extent his fiance did, that he wanted to have. Men are more than just role players these days.

Cadet, with all due respect, you've dealt with a couple exceptions to the rule.
Most guys will do what it takes to make the bride happy, but very few of them have wedding fantasies. Take it from us, the collective experiences of a group of mainly guys. We've seen the scenario play out thousands of times. It's the bride's day to be a princess, the guy is an accessory.

 

[alleyallen]

I guess the issue I have with Seabasket and Zeke is even though I'm the rare exception, I did care about my wedding, very much. And to say it's the bride's day is an insult to me, because what day is mine, then? Certainly not the bachelor party because the one I had involved very few actual bachelors and very little in the way of drinking, strippers, etc.

 

[Webster]

We had a big headache because we had way too many people who had to be invited, and too many of them accepted.  As a result, a number of our friends who we got to know in the couple of years before the wedding ended up not making the cut.

this is an interesting perspective. five years after you're married, think of how many of the friends who were there would make the cut again. been married for 18 years now. my wife hasn't seen or spoken to her maid of honor or one of her brides maids in about 15 years!! and more acquantance-type friends who weren't invited have since become close friends.

moral of story: your circle of friends is always a work in progress. keep your cool. it's just one day in your life. 8) 8) 8)

Agreed.  Marriage is spending half of your vacation at a retirement home with your wife's grandmother or having to go to another dinner with your wife's boring work friends.  A wedding is a party.

We recently looked at our wedding album and about half of our current friends weren't there.

My biggest problem was that I felt the need to opine on things which I really didn't care (and knew nothing) about.  Once I got past that, I was OK, except for making sure that everything went smoothly.  I really didn't feel truly comfortable until we were in the air on the way to our honeymoon -- which was fantastic.

 

[WildBillyCrazyCat]

FarmerJ,

My fiancee has been in about four weddings in the last year or so. At three of them, I was in that awkward position where she's sitting at the bridal table and I'm banging down gin-and-tonics with strangers. I generally hate that scenario, although I just suck it up because it's only a few hours and there's not much to be done. But at our wedding, we are sitting alone, and doing away with the bridal table so our friends can avoid that.

We've run into some of the other problems mentioned on this thread so far too.

We're trying to invite everyone who has a significant other with a guest. But we are on a tight budget and paying for the whole thing ourselves. So we thought it was important to give those people who have boyfriends/girlfriends the option, but we are keeping our fingers crossed that they decide to fly solo. I know my three male cousins are all looking forward to coming single and ineptly hitting on the bridesmaids.

And I tend to agree that a cash bar would be tacky. ... Like I said, we're on a budget, but that was non-negotiable. We're doing beer, wine and Champagne. I'm not going to invite people and make them shell out cash at our event.

For the rehearsal dinner, we would have loved to invite all our out-of-town guests, but that's about 140 people, so it was just not possible. We've limited it to only those participating in the wedding ceremony.

Even with all the cutting corners, we are still spending $14K. And yes, eloping is looking real, real good right about now.

 

[Webster]

Billy -- do you get a Bruce song as the first dance? I lost that battle. Quickly.

 

[zeke12]

Well, allen, the feminist in me would say that every day is the husband's day. But since from your posts I don't think that's how you roll, I'm glad you took an active part in your wedding.

And to be clear, I don't blame women for having wedding fantasies, at least not much. That **** has been beaten into them by Madison Ave. and their mothers and spinster aunts etc., etc. since they were much too young to understand the for-profit nature of a lot of it.

I guess I'm tackling this a sociological phenomenon rather than a case by case basis. But I still think it odd that Cadet almost married two guys with definite wedding fantasies, while I know exactly zero who have had them. But I guess it takes all kinds.

 

[Seabasket]

I guess the issue I have with Seabasket and Zeke is even though I'm the rare exception, I did care about my wedding, very much. And to say it's the bride's day is an insult to me, because what day is mine, then? Certainly not the bachelor party because the one I had involved very few actual bachelors and very little in the way of drinking, strippers, etc.

I'm not saying you didn't care. I'm married and my wedding day was great (particularly because my wife was cool enough to want to get married in Vegas). And I cared. But I hardly had a wedding fantasy growing up. I didn't have visions of a horse-drawn carriage or what color tuxedo I'd wear. Many girls think about these things a lot growing up, most guys could care less. That's all I'm saying.
As far as it being the bride's day, let's face the facts, she's the focus of everyone's attention.

 

[Jake_Taylor]

I'm sure there are some men who dream about big fancy weddings all their life, but I think the fact you don't see a lot of copies of Modern Groom on the news stand tells us there aren't many like that.

 

[poindexter]

I understand there's still that macho mentality among most guys (although I've never been "most guys"), but caring about your wedding day doesn't make you a metrosexual. Most of the guys you know don't give a flip about their wedding? Makes you wonder if they really care about the marriage, too.
Big wedding doesn't equal good marriage, but not giving a crap about your wedding can certainly lead to not caring about your marriage.

It's supposed to be a partnership, and the man should definitely be involved, whether the bride seeks your input or not. It's his wedding, too.

LOL Alley Allen, maybe if I had as many marraiges as you, they would begin to become a comfortable feeling, and enjoyable.

 

[alleyallen]

I'm sure there are some men who dream about big fancy weddings all their life, but I think the fact you don't see a lot of copies of Modern Groom on the news stand tells us there aren't many like that.

Thanks Jake. I'll be sure and put your name on the dedication page of the inaugural issue of Modern Groom.

Inside our first issue!
* 10 tips on where to put your hands during a lap dance
* Are you really ready for your honeymoon night?
* Beer belly? Ways you can lose weight fast to get that cumerbund to fit.
* Is it OK to cry? Our experts tell you why.
* Shocking secrets mothers-in-law won't tell you.
* Wedding Day Do's and Don'ts: Stay away from the bridesmaids.

 

[alleyallen]

I understand there's still that macho mentality among most guys (although I've never been "most guys"), but caring about your wedding day doesn't make you a metrosexual. Most of the guys you know don't give a flip about their wedding? Makes you wonder if they really care about the marriage, too.
Big wedding doesn't equal good marriage, but not giving a crap about your wedding can certainly lead to not caring about your marriage.

It's supposed to be a partnership, and the man should definitely be involved, whether the bride seeks your input or not. It's his wedding, too.

LOL Alley Allen, maybe if I had as many marraiges as you, they would begin to become a comfortable feeling, and enjoyable.

Y'know, I actually very much enjoyed being married. I was happy having that one person to come home to every night. I just didn't marry the right people (or be a better husband, too, I guess).

 

[21]

You can always tell when the wedding is about the trimmings and not the people.  Everyone looks bored, the bride has too much lipstick and melting makeup, and the groom hasn't blinked in four hours.

My sister had one of those weddings...she is crazy in love with her husband, but on the one day that mattered, she treated him like the cabana boy.  I listened to speech after speech, saying how this was 'the most important day of your life!"  So when it was finally my turn, I got up and said 'I really hope this is not the most important day of your life....save that for when you hold your first baby, or walk through the door of your first home, or fall asleep in each others arms when you're 70 and still in love...'  Then I got all teary and had to sit down. My mother thought it was worst speech she ever heard, so I know it was really good.

 

[JR]

I'm sure there are some men who dream about big fancy weddings all their life, but I think the fact you don't see a lot of copies of Modern Groom on the news stand tells us there aren't many like that.

Thanks Jake. I'll be sure and put your name on the dedication page of the inaugural issue of Modern Groom.

Inside our first issue!
* 10 tips on where to put your hands during a lap dance
* Are you really ready for your honeymoon night?
* Beer belly? Ways you can lose weight fast to get that cumerbund to fit.
* Is it OK to cry? Our experts tell you why.
* Shocking secrets mothers-in-law won't tell you.
* Wedding Day Do's and Don'ts: Stay away from the bridesmaids.

Man, that is definitely post of the year material. Made my morning.

 

[farmerjerome]

WildBill, if you want to make it a bit more traditional, you could invite your parents/grandparent up.

Otherwise, sitting alone is a great idea.


BTW guys, if your girl asks for help HELP THEM OUT. Dr. J had one task in our wedding -- proof read the invites. He didn't care and there was a typo. Haven't forgiven him yet.

 

[farmerjerome]

You can always tell when the wedding is about the trimmings and not the people.  Everyone looks bored, the bride has too much lipstick and melting makeup, and the groom hasn't blinked in four hours.

My sister had one of those weddings...she is crazy in love with her husband, but on the one day that mattered, she treated him like the cabana boy.  I listened to speech after speech, saying how this was 'the most important day of your life!"  So when it was finally my turn, I got up and said 'I really hope this is not the most important day of your life....save that for when you hold your first baby, or walk through the door of your first home, or fall asleep in each others arms when you're 70 and still in love...'  Then I got all teary and had to sit down. My mother thought it was worst speech she ever heard, so I know it was really good.

Wow. I never would have had the guts to say that. Maybe I'm misreading the tone of your post -- but I would have been pretty pissed if I was the bride.

Then again, I was so nervous on my wedding day I really don't know what I'd do.

 

[leo1]

the way i -- and my wife and several of my close male friends who i've known for 10-15 years who also were married in the past few years -- looked at our weddings was that it was a chance for a big party with tons of people you like, relatives and a few people you probably wouldn't have invited but who have to be invited anyway. that worked out well for us.

it also meant that because this party would happen only once in our life it was a lot of work. it also meant that i, as the groom who worked fewer hours than my bride was working at the time, was involved in the planning. i'm not ashamed of this. i didn't get into the flowers or dress or color of the tableclothes but since i know a lot about food, i was heavily involved in the food planning. my wife barely drinks anything so i took care of the bar. (caterer, liquor provider and cake came from separate outfits -- the venue didn't have any food vendors there so you were on your own). i love desert so i was involved in the cake planning -- not so much what it looked like but where we got it from. it wasn't too bad -- one saturday we went to about four bakeries and tasted about 10-15 pieces of cake. damn that was a good day.

and i planned the entire honeymoon after we decided on the location together (italy) because my wife hates planning trips.

 

[Rosie]

Maybe being an old married lady has me looking at this differently.

Too much importance is being placed on the ceremony and reception. It's a case of misplaced priorities. Putting on a production does not guarantee a happy and successful marriage.

Bridezilla? I have a girl that works for me right now whose normally sane friend has turned into Bridezilla in planning her wedding. (Girl that works for me is a bridesmaid in this upcoming performance.) It's not been fun for her.

The whole idea of a wedding, in the World According To Rosie, is to make a public proclamation of your love for one another and promise before God (or whatever higher power you may believe in), that you pledge your love, devotion and will stick together through thick and thin. Then have a fun get-together to celebrate this committment. I've been to extremely formal weddings, I've been to extremely casual backyard weddings -- where the groom was wearing blue jeans -- and the casual weddings win hands down for fun and less stress for the happy couple. Have an informal reception and you don't have to worry about $100 per plate for guests.

And no matter how much you love someone, there will be rocky roads to traverse. It may be disagreements, it may be illness, it may be the painful loss of a child, it may be problems with his family or her family. Marriage is a work in progress, not something that just 'happens' once the ceremony is performed.

I treasure my wedding day. But each day Mr. Rosie and I spend together is more important because it is TODAY. As I mentioned before, we had a small, informal wedding. A huge production would not have brought us closer together, and I sure as hell would not want to be trying to pay off tens of thousands of dollars for ONE DAY. And 21 did have it right -- those milestone of children, the first home are just as important -- if not more.

I hope to High Heaven that my daughter has inherited some of my pragmatism. Some day she'll be planning her own wedding, and I hope she realizes what's important is the commitment, not ten bridesmaids and a formal party which will take years to pay off.

 

[Cadet]

I'm sure there are some men who dream about big fancy weddings all their life, but I think the fact you don't see a lot of copies of Modern Groom on the news stand tells us there aren't many like that.

Thanks Jake. I'll be sure and put your name on the dedication page of the inaugural issue of Modern Groom.

Inside our first issue!
* 10 tips on where to put your hands during a lap dance
* Are you really ready for your honeymoon night?
* Beer belly? Ways you can lose weight fast to get that cumerbund to fit.
* Is it OK to cry? Our experts tell you why.
* Shocking secrets mothers-in-law won't tell you.
* Wedding Day Do's and Don'ts: Stay away from the bridesmaids.

Modern Groom may not exist, but anyone remember Cargo, the men's shopping magazine? Y'all may not read it around here, but it's a sign of the times.

Alley, get cracking on that prototype! ;D

 

[alleyallen]

I'm sure there are some men who dream about big fancy weddings all their life, but I think the fact you don't see a lot of copies of Modern Groom on the news stand tells us there aren't many like that.

Thanks Jake. I'll be sure and put your name on the dedication page of the inaugural issue of Modern Groom.

Inside our first issue!
* 10 tips on where to put your hands during a lap dance
* Are you really ready for your honeymoon night?
* Beer belly? Ways you can lose weight fast to get that cumerbund to fit.
* Is it OK to cry? Our experts tell you why.
* Shocking secrets mothers-in-law won't tell you.
* Wedding Day Do's and Don'ts: Stay away from the bridesmaids.

Modern Groom may not exist, but anyone remember Cargo, the men's shopping magazine? Y'all may not read it around here, but it's a sign of the times.

Alley, get cracking on that prototype!  ;D

I need a photog, a business manager, an ad manager and an office aide to get this up and running. Oh, and $2 million, too.

 

[zeke12]

You won't need an ad manager.