Wedding Etiquette Dilemna

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ballscribe said:
And ALL the cousins on his side had to be invited. So the group of five from Michigan (two parents, three kids) come up with this one: the kids want to bring dates. Only one, by the way, has a steady.  So, in theory, that's 8 people, an entire table, just for one tiny branch. They were real put out when we said no. I had to be the bad guy, even though I had very little to do with actually planning the event (I was on the road with my baseball team; I more or less just showed up on the day).   
Like I'm not going to invite some of my closest, long-standing friends because little Sheila wants to bring some studmuffin?  Nah.

ballscribe, are you kidding? my and my wife's family has problems but when i hear stuff like this, i thank god that we don't have anyone that ****ed up. all of our family members at least have a basic capacity for rational thinking and being somewhat reasonable.

no offense to your cousins-in-law but having the gall to ask if your kids can bring dates is beyond the pale. unless she called and prefaced it with something like 'i know this is gonna sound weird and i'd be eternally grateful if you let us do this," this family is the poster-family for selfish assholes.
 
Cadet said:
And don't give me that "all girls want a princess wedding and the guys just go along" crap. These days guys have wedding fantasies just as outlandish as girls do.

There's an element to the size/wedding discussion that has been left out so far.

If you are like me, and you marry the oldest daughter in her generation, in a gigantic Catholic family full of daughters, you will have a humongous church wedding and gigantic reception, and you'll like it. (And I did.) And the parents likely will pay for the whole thing. (And they did.)
 
Ironically, my spouse and I were just watching videos (official, my dad's version and my uncle's version) of our wedding a few days ago.

We got married six years ago and I believe my parents told me the tab for the whole weekend - wedding, rehearsel dinner and party Friday night - was about $40,000. But I have a huge family. There were 200 people from my family at the wedding.

Also, I guess traditions vary by family or region, but, with my family, we have a long-established tradition that out of town guests get invited to the rehearsel dinner. Is that just a thing my family does or do other SportsJournalists.commers do that/have heard of that being done?

As for a cash bar, I'll admit we're not big drinkers in my family, but that's something we'd never consider. I understand there are finances involved. But this was how such a thing was explained to me. It's almost like charging your guests for admission. You just don't invite people to something and then have them pony up money. If finances are a consideration, then, as was mentioned earlier, just go with beer and wine. Or cut in other areas. But a cash bar is just tacky.

As an aside, I know there are different wedding traditions in different regions, but I also think the Midwest tradition of the dollar dance is extremely tacky, worse than the cash bar. It's like just flat out begging for money to "help the young couple starting out." Ack!

Getting back to the original thread, it's been six years, but I think we made the effort for most single people to find out who they were dating at the time and invited them directly. (In wedding etiquette, I think that's better than just the + guest.) I know we did for people in the wedding party and close relatives. But I was fortunate in that my parents were in a position to let me do that. Certainly guests shouldn't be expecting or demanding that.

One quick comment on seating charts: I am so glad that Southern tradition dictates that weddings are buffet style, which means no seating chart. Plus, having been to non-Southern weddings with sit down dinners, I just honestly thing Southern weddings are more fun. You can mingle more and it's a more casual athmosphere.
 
leo1 said:
ballscribe said:
And ALL the cousins on his side had to be invited. So the group of five from Michigan (two parents, three kids) come up with this one: the kids want to bring dates. Only one, by the way, has a steady. So, in theory, that's 8 people, an entire table, just for one tiny branch. They were real put out when we said no. I had to be the bad guy, even though I had very little to do with actually planning the event (I was on the road with my baseball team; I more or less just showed up on the day).
Like I'm not going to invite some of my closest, long-standing friends because little Sheila wants to bring some studmuffin? Nah.

ballscribe, are you kidding? my and my wife's family has problems but when i hear stuff like this, i thank god that we don't have anyone that ****ed up. all of our family members at least have a basic capacity for rational thinking and being somewhat reasonable.

no offense to your cousins-in-law but having the gall to ask if your kids can bring dates is beyond the pale. unless she called and prefaced it with something like 'i know this is gonna sound weird and i'd be eternally grateful if you let us do this," this family is the poster-family for selfish assholes.

Compared to what a lot of my friends went through, my issues were relatively minor. Oh, other than the fact that one particular cousin, who made my husband's life hell through his early childhood and scarred him for life, was NOT invited. My mother-in-law was appalled: all the cousins had to be invited. I mean, what would she tell her sister?

This discussion happened at the dinner table with my parents; the two sets were really meeting formally for the first time even though their kids had been going out together for 8 years. So ballscribe tells mom-in-law that if she has an issue telling her sister why the SOB wasn't invited, I'd be quite happy to phone her myself and not only that, outline exactly the reasons why and spill all the stupid dysfunctional family secrets. Having had a few Scotches, she started crying. My parents just looked at each other and said, man, we are SO normal.

But, as I said, few quibbles. I was on the road; my dad and my husband (who were the ones who really wanted the whole production, not my mother or I) did pretty much everything.
All I did was the table placement, the bridal bouquets, and organized the extremely expensive designer ballscribe bridesbabe dresses (which had to be that way, because we had 10 days between the end of the season and the wedding and there was no time for design or fittings or whatever else bridesbabes go through - and yes, I paid for them all. Each cost more than my own dress). And then, I showed up on the right day, sober, with big hair.

The rest was done. There was a gospel choir at the church beltin' it out, because the hubby had always wanted that. And people still talk, nearly 8 years later, about what a blast they had.

I, of course, claim all the credit now. :D
 
Armchair_QB said:
The last thing you want to do as a guy is take a date to a wedding unless you're planning on marrying said date.

I've always thought it was a bit presumptuous to bring a "date," rather than a "significant other." And frankly, bringing the significant other is a slippery slope, too, unless the topic already has been discussed.
 
I went to a wedding with an ex when we were dating. Well, I went to a reception. We went to the wrong place for the wedding and missed his friends' ceremony. :)

But I went to the reception, never thought it signaled anything about our future, never even crossed my mind. It's someone ELSE'S wedding.
 
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ServeItUp said:
Armchair_QB said:
The last thing you want to do as a guy is take a date to a wedding unless you're planning on marrying said date.

I've always thought it was a bit presumptuous to bring a "date," rather than a "significant other." And frankly, bringing the significant other is a slippery slope, too, unless the topic already has been discussed.

You guys are crazy.
If your invitation says you can bring a date, and you are seeing someone, you bring her. Something happens to a single girl at a wedding. Guaranteed night of fun.
 
Seabasket said:
If your invitation says you can bring a date, and you are seeing someone, you bring her. Something happens to a single girl at a wedding. Guaranteed night of fun.

Correct. Many of them driven the jealousy.
 
When I got married last year we had a really small wedding and reception. No dates unless you were married. No kids under 18.

The reception (held three months later) was another deal. Free for all, anyone who wanted to come could.

Another question, how do you deal with it when you significant other is in the wedding party and you don't know anyone else? This happened to me last summer, and I thought it was quite rude. Dr. J was sitting at the bridal table, and I was stuck with a bunch of old folks.

I sat there for over two hours fidgeting. Is there anyway around this?
 
Cadet, I've known a lot of guys pretty well in my life, and none has ever expressed any thoughts about wedding planning except the following:

1. Why the **** does her brother stand on my side while my good buddy that flew in from out of town is an usher?
2. There better be an open bar.
3. I'm really only an extra in this production, but I love her so I'll say my lines and stay cool at least until the old people leave the reception.

Weddings are for brides. In the worst cases, weddings are for mothers of brides. Weddings ain't got much to do with guys. We just show up.

And before anyone gets all upset, I'm not saying I don't have friends who were moved to tears on their wedding day or genuinely refer to it as the best day of their lives. It's just that as far as the hoopla goes, we're an accesory. Which, as someone already said, is generally fine with us.
 
My evidence is entirely anecdotal, but relevant.

When my last BF proposed (after I gave him the whole "marriage is an evil tool of patriarchy" lecture and told him not to propose), I went along with it because I knew he had the marriage fantasy.

My first thought: Vegas.

His first thought: Huge church wedding (neither of us is religious) in his hometown (not mine) with 500 of our closest family and friends. Big frilly dress, huge wedding party, giant cake, limos, the works.

My second thought: Secluded beach wedding with only immediate family.

His second thought: Huge church wedding (neither of us is religious) in his hometown (not mine) with 500 of our closest family and friends. Big frilly dress, huge wedding party, giant cake, limos, the works.

These things were non-negotiable. This boy not only had a marriage timeline (had to happen by 30), but a wedding fantasy straight out of a magazine. This was among the many reasons we broke up.

Now before you all start chiding me on my taste in men, he is not the first that I dated to have such a wedding fantasy built up in his head. My own brother also had a wedding fantasy, though not to the extent his fiance did, that he wanted to have. Men are more than just role players these days.
 
Cadet said:
My second thought: Secluded beach wedding with only immediate family.

I've been to a few beach weddings and they're great. Add in a few close friends to the guest list and that's about the only wedding I'm doing.
 
I think you should stop trying to marry metrosexuals, but that's just me.

Seriously, I don't know one guy who wouldn't have gone along with either of your proposals. Most of my friends would have eloped in a second, and the rest probably only would have wanted parents, siblings and some close friends there.

I've had two buddies pick the wedding party -- say five groomsmen and five bridesmaids -- and take them and both sets of parents to Jamaica for the weekend for the wedding. Then you have a reception at home a week or so later, everybody you know gets drunk on you, you collect your waffle iron and be done with it.
 
Cadet said:
This, people, is why Nevada marriage laws exist.

And don't give me that "all girls want a princess wedding and the guys just go along" crap. These days guys have wedding fantasies just as outlandish as girls do.

Maybe not fantasies, but yeah, I was the one who really wanted the big wedding, for many reasons. And thanks to some fortuitous luck, we had th funds to allow her to admit and pursue some of the things she had never allowed herself to dream of before due to the cost.

Wouldn't change a thing, except maybe I may have "forgotten" to invite a relative or two.
 
FarmerJ said:
When I got married last year we had a really small wedding and reception. No dates unless you were married. No kids under 18.

The reception (held three months later) was another deal. Free for all, anyone who wanted to come could.

Another question, how do you deal with it when you significant other is in the wedding party and you don't know anyone else? This happened to me last summer, and I thought it was quite rude. Dr. J was sitting at the bridal table, and I was stuck with a bunch of old folks.

I sat there for over two hours fidgeting. Is there anyway around this?

Yes. Talk to the old folks.
 
TheSportsPredictor said:
FarmerJ said:
When I got married last year we had a really small wedding and reception. No dates unless you were married. No kids under 18.

The reception (held three months later) was another deal. Free for all, anyone who wanted to come could.

Another question, how do you deal with it when you significant other is in the wedding party and you don't know anyone else? This happened to me last summer, and I thought it was quite rude. Dr. J was sitting at the bridal table, and I was stuck with a bunch of old folks.

I sat there for over two hours fidgeting. Is there anyway around this?

Yes. Talk to the old folks.
Or stay home.

Seriously, if your s/o is in the wedding party and you don't know a soul, what's the attraction--other than a free meal?
 
Me and Mrs. W. just passed the five year mark and I still have nightmares about the wedding planning. She wanted the big, black-tie, fancy NYC hotel Saturday night wedding, and since her parents had been saving for it since she was born (seriously), we did it. I spent so much time on stupid crap and stupid fights that eloping looked like a good idea. I chose the band, the honeymoon and the booze -- all of which were great. Together, we chose the location. Otherwise, Mrs. W. decided whether she wanted my input, and, if she did, presented me with a couple of final options.

The wedding was awesome, even if I got a combined 8 hours of sleep the three nights before due to work and other stuff.

We went with a simple rule for significant others -- all spouses, fiances and co-habitants of guests were invited. If you didn't fall into that group, we only invited those boyfriends or girlfriends who we had met.

We had a big headache because we had way too many people who had to be invited, and too many of them accepted. As a result, a number of our friends who we got to know in the couple of years before the wedding ended up not making the cut.
 
Webster said:
We had a big headache because we had way too many people who had to be invited, and too many of them accepted.  As a result, a number of our friends who we got to know in the couple of years before the wedding ended up not making the cut.

this is an interesting perspective. five years after you're married, think of how many of the friends who were there would make the cut again. been married for 18 years now. my wife hasn't seen or spoken to her maid of honor or one of her brides maids in about 15 years!! and more acquantance-type friends who weren't invited have since become close friends.

moral of story: your circle of friends is always a work in progress. keep your cool. it's just one day in your life. 8) 8) 8)
 
zeke12 said:
I think you should stop trying to marry metrosexuals, but that's just me.

Seriously, I don't know one guy who wouldn't have gone along with either of your proposals. Most of my friends would have eloped in a second, and the rest probably only would have wanted parents, siblings and some close friends there.

I've had two buddies pick the wedding party -- say five groomsmen and five bridesmaids -- and take them and both sets of parents to Jamaica for the weekend for the wedding. Then you have a reception at home a week or so later, everybody you know gets drunk on you, you collect your waffle iron and be done with it.

I understand there's still that macho mentality among most guys (although I've never been "most guys"), but caring about your wedding day doesn't make you a metrosexual. Most of the guys you know don't give a flip about their wedding? Makes you wonder if they really care about the marriage, too.
Big wedding doesn't equal good marriage, but not giving a crap about your wedding can certainly lead to not caring about your marriage.

It's supposed to be a partnership, and the man should definitely be involved, whether the bride seeks your input or not. It's his wedding, too.
 
allen --
I'm not saying they don't care about their marriages, or even their weddings as an abstract concept.

When it comes to the actual planning and execution of the ceremony, however, most grooms are bit characters at best. Weddings are for brides, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

But to suggest men are equal participants in marriage ceremonies is silly on its face.
 

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