The engagement ring --- an "outmoded commodity?"

[2muchcoffeeman]

Stumbled across this on Slate this morning and thought it might made good discussion fodder, especially given the big-wedding debates here in the past. Personally, I have no idea what the rock is supposed to symbolize other than money that could have been used as a down payment on a house.

The retail fantasy known as a "traditional" American wedding comprises many delicious absurdities, ranging from personalized wedding stamps to ring pillows designed for dogs to favors like "Love Mints." Of all these baubles, though, perhaps the most insidious is the engagement ring. Most Americans can say no to the "celebrity garter belt" on offer for a mere $18.95 from Weddings With Class. But more than 80 percent of American brides receive a diamond engagement ring (at an average cost of around $3,200) before they get married. Few stop to think about what, beyond the misty promise of endless love, the ring might actually signify. Why would you, after all? A wedding is supposed to be a celebration. Only the uncharitable would look a sparkly diamond in the eye—never mind a man on his knee—and ask what it means.

But there's a powerful case to be made that in an age of equitable marriage the engagement ring is an outmoded commodity—starting with the obvious fact that only the woman gets one. The diamond ring is the site of retrograde fantasies about gender roles. What makes it pernicious ...

http://www.slate.com/id/2167870/

Pernicious? According to my dictionary, it means "causing insidious harm or ruin; ruinous; injurious; hurtful" and traces back to Latin words for "ruin" and "murder."

 

[21]

That was so condescending and trite it made my teeth hurt.

Next: the social ramifications and injustice of little girls wearing pink.

 

[Hustle]

That story felt really bitchy/preachy to me. And I felt a little insulted that apparently I don't care about the finer points of gender equity, simply because I gave my then-gf a ring because I loved her with all my heart and wanted to marry her. (And yes, I realize that she's saying that males get screwed in the deal.)

With all that in mind: Engagement rings are fine so long as you resist the urge to turn it into a competition. A lot of my wife's friends have husbands that make a HELL of a lot more money than I do; they have the rock to prove it. So I had to get what I was comfortable paying, knowing that two months' salary is a ridiculous concept. A few of the ladies here will remember that I sent them a photo of the ring, and they all seemed to like it, despite the lack of an overwhelming diamond.

Maybe I'm just naive because I bought the ring out of love. Call me crazy.

 

[Willie-Butch]

That story stinks!

 

[Del_B_Vista]

I'm not going to read that story. My fiancee is very happy with the ring I bought her, and I spent way more than two months salary. She makes more money than I do. We'll be moving into her house. So I think our gender roles are pretty even.

 

[EStreetJoe]

I agree with Hustle... you have to buy a ring you can comfortably afford, and not worry about keeping up with Jones in terms of size. I lucked out and although the karat size was small, the cut and clarity make it sparkle more than a ring that's 3-4 times its size.

 

[Bob Slydell]

I totally don't feel screwed with not getting an egagement ring. Hell, I just bught a plain wedding ring, too. Got a nice ring for Mrs. Slydell and she is very happy with it.

I'd feel kind of stupid with a big ring on my finger anyway.

Just sounds like somone is trying to blur gender lines again. Try not giving most women a ring because you wanted you two be equal since you don't get one. I dare ya.

 

[Bob Slydell]

However, I guess there could be an argument made for how diamonds are aquired in not giving the ring. Just watched a documentary on the "blood diamond" trade in Africa, and that was pretty horrific.

I guess of you were cheap rather than principled, you could use that line.

 

[MartinEnigmatica]

I'm pretty sure the author of that article has something against De Beers...she slams that company over and over. My take is if you don't buy an engagement ring like it's a deed of ownership, it won't be. If you don't buy it as a status symbol, it won't be. Others might think so, but that's their problem. As Bobby Sly hinted at, a relationship doesn't have to be completely gender-equal. If it were, you'd have big bouquets of flowers on fathers' day, power drill ads for mothers' day, and everything would go out of control.

 

[Fenian_Bastard]

Does it have to be a diamond?
Can't you get engaged with a nice piece of quartz?
(Ducking...)

 

[Sly]

Terribly written article. The best is that she admits at the end that she had an engagement ring as well.

 

[HC]

I'm not speaking for all women (obviously) but diamonds are of no interest to me at all. I don't really get the point of them. I'm perfectly happy with cubic zirconia - it's pretty and sparkly and I don't have to worry about losing it.

 

[printdust]

I've always felt the ring was given in love, and when divorce occurs; both ought to return to the giver what was given. Women don't like this because of their love for jewelry, but hey, remember what it was for in the first place.

Exceptions to the rule: You have a daughter or son, you give it to them to keep or in the case of the son, to maybe give as a ring to his future.

 

[Fenian_Bastard]

Better yet, get engaged with a couple of quarts.

OK, now THAT'S low.
And I'm sorry I didn't think of it first.

 

[SoSueMe]

I bought what I could afford, the wife loves it. I bought it because a) I wanted to and b) I knew she wanted one and c) I love the girl.

As for me getting an engagement ring? No thanks. I can barely get comfy wearing my wedding band (forgot to put it on one day on the honeymoon, in fact. I left it in the hotel room). The only piece of "jewerly" I owned previously to the wedding band is a watch I got in Grade 9, and I still wear it today and I'm 31.

 

[HejiraHenry]

I can sell a line of b.s., but there's no way I could have ever sold the line of b.s. to the future Mrs. HH that my not giving her an engagement ring was somehow preserving our gender equity or somesuch.

For us, with years of history leading us to the point where we would even consider getting married, the ring signified my seriousness about the potential of the relationship. Or so it seems to me. And I think the Mrs. would probably agree with that ... she was skeptical that I was ever going to do the right thing until I handed her that diamond.

 

[Cadet]

This author is in the process of getting married and has written a few articles on it. She's trying to reconcile her knowledge of things like blood diamonds (a large reason for the DeBeers hatred) and harmful gender bias against the Wedding Industry and cultural traditions. Maybe not written well, but I think the topic is important.

The Wedding Industry sells fantasy, to the tune of nearly $28,000 for the average wedding. And it's one giant "keep up with the Joneses" competition. They specifically sell this fantasy to women, who have had the Cinderella wedding fantasy injected into their heads since preschool.

Engagement rings are just the first step in the process. Sure, some couples get one out of tradition or because they feel they want one. Fine. But telling a guy how much he should spend, making it a competition among men and women alike, judging carat size in direct proportion to his love, etc. etc. is a destructive game. I know women who are so demanding they will dump a guy if he doesn't give her the exact ring she requests. That's not love, that's consumerism.

That's the biggest argument against the Wedding Industry: Prove your love through retail.

A lot of people don't stop to consider why they are spending what they are on weddings. "That's tradition" or "that's how it's always been done" are the typical reasons. If that's the case, we'd still have slavery in this country. People should focus on what they want, without a copy of InStyle Weddings in front of them.

 

[HoopsMcCann]

i love you cadet

 

[Cadet]

i love you cadet

If you wanna get married you'll have to buy me a two carat, emerald cut diamond on a four-prong platinum band from Tiffany's.

 

[HoopsMcCann]

i see how it is, all talk...

women...