Starting Over ...

[Lieslntx]

At the ripe old age of 41 my husband (45) and I are splitting up. I guess we are one of the statistics that prove a lot of marriages cannot survive the empty nest.

So, I now find myself facing the daunting task of trying to find a place to live. Me. Who has never in my entire life lived alone. A real estate friend of mine met me at AA's house tonight to help me. For I really don't even know where to begin. And God bless her for that. We are going to look at houses Friday.

I find myself in a daze. People talk to me and I don't hear what they are saying. It's like a curtain has dropped down over my eyes.

On Friday my child will be visiting from Austin, and I will have to look her in the eyes and tell her that the only home she has ever know no longer exists. That the shelter she always thought she could return to is no longer there.

And then there is the niece and nephew. The ones that are related to me only by marriage. So when said marriage dissolves, these kids are lost to me. My niece. The one that I would give my life for. And yet, somehow, that right has been snatched away from me.

I share these burdens that have no answers with anonymous people like yourselves, simply because acknowledging the truth to those that know me so well is embarrassing.

After 18 years of supporting a person and their (what I thought was our) business, I find myself with no marketable skills. I will have to go back to school. Figure out a way to support myself.

So very soon, I will leave my Ike-ravaged property, to try and make my own way in the world. How I will go about that is truly beyond me at this point.

We raised kids together for eighteen years. Eighteen years. And just like that. It's thrown away.

Forgive me. I have reached the bottom and don't know where to go from here.

 

[imjustagirl]

Liesl, I'm so sorry. I know the enormity of the situation is daunting. But you can't let the whole overweigh the individual things. Take it step by step, rely on your family and friends, and I know you're strong enough to excel in a whole new way.

As for the niece, nothing says you two can't remain. I'm sure she's old enough to make that decision, and I'm guessing no one will stop her from doing so.

 

[Angola!]

Wow.

I'm very, very sorry.

Divorce is a tremendously hard thing.

I went through it a year or so ago and it sucked and I still feel the effects.

If you need anything let me know.

Edit: That said, my life is better because of it. I feel like a lot of negativity from my life is gone and I have a girlfriend and it is a much better relationship.

Like Serveitup says below me, you can only go up from here.

 

[ServeItUp]

Wow... I can't imagine what you're going through. That's just.... there are no words, Lies. I'm so sorry to hear this.

Well, the positive is that you can only go up from here. Like the Texans. I know it's tough at the moment but it will get better. Same thing I've been telling myself the past couple of years.

Hey, you've got a great support group here and away from here. Use us all. We're here for you.

 

[whatwoulddamondo?]

liesl, i wish you the best. you sound like good people.

if your daughter is remotely as strong as you are, y'all will fare fine.

edit: yes, ijag offers good advice. and as sam says, turn to this place repeatedly. it's helping me through some tough (though in contrast piddling) times right now.

 

[buckweaver]

Liesl, I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through that. My family was in the same situation three years ago. There is nothing easy about it.

Keep your head up. Embrace the love and support of your family, especially your daughter. Don't be afraid to be afraid -- we all are, at some point.

Give yourself some time, then embrace the future. Let yourself grieve, but then pick yourself back up. Life as you have known it may be over, no doubt, but a new one is just beginning and it will be just as rewarding. Believe that.

 

[Tom Petty]

lies - as ijag said, take it step by step.

and please consider just renting an apartment for awhile before buying a home. you may come to realize, you no longer want to live in the same region in which you reside.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

There's nothing to forgive, Liesl. It's times like this when this board is at its best.

The best thing has already been suggested. Try not to look at the entire picture all at once. Concentrate on the little things. The next hour, the next day, moving the items you can use from your place into your new dwelling. TP's suggestion about an apartment might work best ... no point in feeling like you must buy a house or take on a mortgage when you might want to further explore your option.

Working on the little things - the things within your control - will help take your mind off the bigger picture, the one that can overwhelm anyone given the situation.

Surely your children will understand and support you. And, as IJAG said, your niece and nephew are at the age where they can choose to continue a relationship of some sort with you. There's nothing that says that has to end.

Lean on us, Liesl. SIU already said that, but hopefully reiterating it will help drive that point home. Keep us posted.

 

[Angola!]

Lean on us, Liesl. SIU already said that, but hopefully reiterating it will help drive that point home. Keep us posted.

This is good advice.

I leaned on this board, and a lot of board members, and they were very good to me. As messed up as this place can be, there is an awful lot of good that can come from here as well.

Lots of people have been in your shoes, so don't feel bad seeking advice from them.

 

[Bruce Leroy]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Lies, and I hope for nothing but good things for you. As for the living alone thing, embrace it. So easy to say, but so hard to do if you're not used to it. But that'd be my advice through all of this: Love yourself and be comfortable with yourself. And everyone has a marketable skill. You're just not used to figuring out what it is and actually marketing it.

 

[Cadet]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Liesl. Many good suggestions have been voiced here already.

I'll add my pragmatic $0.02: Speak to a lawyer. Make sure your legal and financial interests are protected, especially if you owned a business together. Do not rely on the idea of "my ex is a good man, he'll treat me fairly" or "we're still friends, so it will be OK." Things can change in a heartbeat. Don't give him the opportunity to deprive you of your rights or your money. Make sure that any agreement spells out things like who pays for your daughter's college expenses and future wedding.

And your niece and nephew are still family. That doesn't have to change if you and they don't want it to.

 

[friend of a friend]

Agree with everything said so far, Lies. It's easy to withdraw and focus on the negative. Lean on your family and friends for support.

And like IJAG and Cadet said, your niece and nephew can still be a part of your life. I think my ex talks to my mom more than I do.

 

[KYSportsWriter]

Liesl, I've been praying for you since you came to me awhile back.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Divorce sucks.

But from talking to you on here, I can tell that you are one of the strongest people I know. Your daughter, niece and nephew and the rest of your family will be there. And so will a bunch of people here.

Just stay as strong as I know you are. And if you need anything, I'm here.

 

[sportschick]

I'm so sorry, Liesl. This sucks, and we're here for you to lean on when you need us. We're good like that.

Also, there's no reason to lose your niece and nephew. I still talk to stepmother regularly, and she and my father have been divorced for almost 10 years now.

I'll second the folks who said rent for a while first and get a lawyer. Think things out before you make any major decisions, and make sure you're protected.

 

[ink-stained wretch]

It will get better. In fact, it will be much better than it was before. One foot in front of the other will lead you out of the darkness.

You will be surprises as to how strong you really are.

 

[21]

Dear Liesl--You are so young....your best years ahead, and you are going to find out how wonderful life can be. So so so much better to start over than to settle for the dull roar of a weak marriage.

Cadet mentioned a lawyer...without a doubt, and get the best you can find. Now it's business. Forget about the sentimental value of what's in the china cabinet; it all seems manageable until you see your life reduced to numbers and lists spread across a conference room table. You can keep all the good memories without sacrificing the equity you've built up over 18 years.

Let people take care of you. When friends invite you out, go. When they ask you over for a holiday, go. If you have no plans and don't feel like sitting at home, call someone.

Your daughter will be okay. She has her whole life ahead, and so do you.

Good luck, and be good to yourself.

 

[forever_town]

On Friday my child will be visiting from Austin, and I will have to look her in the eyes and tell her that the only home she has ever know no longer exists. That the shelter she always thought she could return to is no longer there.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about all this. Secondly, I come from a school of thought that believes in the old saying that home is where the heart is. It's not a physical place. It's a state of mind. That doesn't diminish how hard it will be to leave the place you've called home for so long, but try to find comfort in whatever your new surroundings will be.

And then there is the niece and nephew. The ones that are related to me only by marriage. So when said marriage dissolves, these kids are lost to me. My niece. The one that I would give my life for. And yet, somehow, that right has been snatched away from me.

Hopefully, what will happen is your niece and nephew decide that 18 years of love is worth more than whether or not the law considers you related to them by marriage. I have heard of stories where grandparents decide to maintain bonds with each other even when their children divorce.

And once, many years ago, when my father was considering breaking up with his partner, I said I was going to go live with the partner if that happened. And I'm 90 percent sure I would have. I just think I would be better off in that situation than living with someone who has bipolar disorder.

 

[Ace]

Good luck, Liesl.

If this is the bottom it's only going to get better from here. There are hurts now, but exciting adventures ahead, I'll bet.

You're not losing anything.

And since we're a bunch of journalists, don't expect a lot of sympathy about your alleged lack of marketable skills.

 

[The Granny]

Lies,
Sorry to hear all this.

The Granny

 

[outofplace]

Liesl, like so many others, I am sorry you have to go through this. Just remember you have a lot of people here ready to listen and help. You've already gotten some tremendous advice on this thread.

Cadet nailed priority No. 1 -- a good lawyer to protect your interests, whether the split has been amicable or not. Something in the story makes me think it has not, but I'm just taking an educated guess there. I have seen people who did not do this in a divorce and they have always been worse off for it later. It makes things easier on both of you if everything is settled legally than just what you two figure out on your own.

I agree with the others regarding your niece and nephew. Is your ex making it hard for you to be in touch with them? Just because the marriage is gone doesn't mean they are no longer your family. You have been a loving aunt to them. That doesn't just go away.

I have an aunt who became part of the family by marriage to my father's brother. I never stopped calling her my aunt. Never even considered it. She is family and always will be. No legal papers could change that and I suspect your niece and nephew feel the same way about you. Just make sure to tell them that you love them as much as ever.

Best of luck.