Scenes from the dentist's office

[Barsuk]

Just came back from the dentist, and although I've been a fairly good boy in the six months since my last cleaning, brushing religiously and flossing semi-regularly, there are always some painful moments.

The feeling that you're drowning in your own saliva, and even though the hygienist said you can close down on the suction straw any time, you feel kind of guilty doing it, like you're messing with her rhythm -- kind of like talking to someone who is writing on deadline.

The disgusting taste of the tooth polish, which leaves your mouth feeling as though you've eaten a stick of cherry Lip Smackers and a handful of sand for breakfast. Seriously, can I forgo the polishing?

Those damn cards from the X-rays slicing into your cheek while you wait for them to take the damn picture already.

But none of these discomforts compared to the most painful moment of this trip to the dentist.

I'm lying in the chair, plastic safety goggles every so slightly fogged up, a strange woman's hands in my mouth, when Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" comes over the radio. After the last song was some Gwen Stefani song I heard about 1,000 times too many last year, I think to myself, "Now we're talking."

And here comes the pain. It gets to my favorite part of the song, and I realize, "This woman's hands are in my mouth. How the **** am I supposed to mouth the words, 'Well, I remember!'?" I can't. It hurts. Then comes the next verse, and I realize, "She's going to jam that damn pokey thing into my gums if I hit the solo on the air drums. Should I do it? Better not." So I don't. It hurts.

I know some of you will feel my pain. (I'm looking at you, Beej!)

 

[Football_Bat]

Is it safe?

 

[mike311gd]

My favorite part is when they poke you in the gums, then say, "You should really brush your gums a little bit, so they won't bleed." Or we could not jab a metal hook into my gums. That'd be cool, too.

 

[Ace]

Barsuk,

Brushing every Easter and Christmas is not what the dentist means when he says you should brush religiously.

Next time, definitely sing, air drum and suck whenever you please. Not like they charge by the hour.

Anyway, it will learn them to be less chatty with patients. I hate how they ask casual questions when they're up to their elbow in your mouth.

"So, how's work?"

"Mmmmm. Gggsssjjjhh."

 

[mike311gd]

When I was a lot younger, I think 10, my dentist kept telling me to open wider. I couldn't. So he got frustrated, and while he was rooting around in my mouth, he pounded on my chest. And I threw up on him. Served the cocksucker right.

 

[SixToe]

My child's orthodontist has a front desk attendant who is stunningly beautiful, with the most gorgeous breasts she shows off with low-cut blouses.

She has raven hair, dark skin and a pouty mouth that reminds me of a similarly-built chick I banged in high school.

I never threw up on the dentist. That's awesome. Serves him right.

 

[Buck]

Listening to Phil Collins is more painful than going to the dentist.

 

[doubledown68]

Dentists ain't ****. Try going to the orthodontist some time. I was blessed with braces from end of fifth grade until early ninth grade.

(Least) favorite memory? Easy. Hellga the overweight assistant was trying to fit the band bracket thing around one of my lower back teeth. She's putting all she has into it, using the orthodontic equivalent of needle-nose pliers.

When she's at maximum strain, forcing over 200-pounds worth of jiggly arm fat and lunch-lady size bosoms worth of pressure on my lower jaw, the pliers slip. All that ***** said after tearing trough my gum tissue was "Sorry."

Now, when I see the iron hook, I laugh. The dentist could fire that thing into my mouth 100 times and not hurt as much as I did that day at the orthodontist.

 

[Chef]

My 7-year old son goes in tomorrow for a pulpotonomy..(basically a root canal) and to have a tooth pulled that is blocking some other teeth from coming in.

I showed him this picture, to which he was not amused.

 

[doubledown68]

My 7-year old son goes in tomorrow for a pulpotonomy..(basically a root canal) and to have a tooth pulled that is blocking some other teeth from coming in.

I showed him this picture, to which he was not amused.

you're a *******.

 

[mike311gd]

My 7-year old son goes in tomorrow for a pulpotonomy..(basically a root canal) and to have a tooth pulled that is blocking some other teeth from coming in.

I showed him this picture, to which he was not amused.

I hope she opens a beer and drinks it right in front of you, Chef.

 

[rallen13]

You may be getting ripped off, Chef. According to every dentist I have ever dealt with regarding children/grandchildren, there is no logic to a root canal on a 7-year old. Those are baby teeth that will be lost from now until the last one is gone. Baby teeth don't need root canals. If he is pulling one, ask him about pulling that one. Sounds like he is just trying to make a few more $$$.

 

[ColbertNation]

I've been to the dentist probably half-a-dozen times in the last month or so (it was a really long time between visits), and there were more than a couple of times it felt like we were doing a Marathon Man reenactment.

 

[Diabeetus]

My favorite part is when they poke you in the gums, then say, "You should really brush your gums a little bit, so they won't bleed." Or we could not jab a metal hook into my gums. That'd be cool, too.

I'm completely with ya on this one. F them and their damn metal instruments. Let me scratch at their gums with those hooks and see if their gums bleed. See who brushes well, then.

 

[SoCalDude]

My wife is a dental assistant. She has been bitten by Lucille Ball (the *****). She confirms that Cher wasn't acting in "Mask." She has had her fingers in the mouths of several Lakers.
The funniest thing was when her co-worker was dealing with Bruce Springsteen, whom she adored, and during the patient history, she had to ask him if he had ever had VD.

 

[mike311gd]

What was his answer?

 

[Chef]

What was his answer?

 

[SoCalDude]

Sorry, privacy. You know?

 

[EStreetJoe]

Those damn cards from the X-rays slicing into your cheek while you wait for them to take the damn picture already.

Those are a thing of the past. Most dentists can do the X-Rays digitally now so you don't have that huge metal frame in your mouth while biting down on film. But for some reason you still need the two-ton smock covering your neck, chest, and however far down it goes.

 

[EStreetJoe]

Try having them poke around extensively with that metal thing in your mouth taking measurements of the gum pockets around the teeth (it's like 3-4 measurements per tooth, front and back). That is annoying, but I found out some of my pockets are deeper than they should be, which could require periodontal work.