Reason to worry?

[Evil ... Thy name is Orville Redenbacher!!]

So I'm driving past my oldest kid's school today. They are outside at recess (or whatever 7th graders call recess) .. I spot him on the track, walking. By himself.
I'm concerned.
****, who am I kidding I am scared.
He's been in the school system for six years. He's been at the middle school for three. He had made a few friends. I know of one now. But it's a kid he has no classes with this year.
He has one friend here at home - a kid who's only here half the week and every other weekend. I can't stand the kid, BTW, but that's another story ...

I'm worried my son has no friends or no one his age to talk to. He's not into playing sports. He plays outside and he interacts with his (younger) brothers. His teachers say he talks and participates in class, but I am petrified he has no circle at school. Trying to get info out of him at dinner about his day at school is akin to pulling teeth. I get a shoulder shrug.
Now, I know by now those of you still reading this think I might be over-reacting, and maybe I am (which is the point of this thread), but I reminded of my little brother; who at 16 years of age went upstairs one Sunday morning - after being told my mom to change his clothes for church - closed the door to his room, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger.
I see some of him and his behavior in my son.

We have my son on a low dose ADHD medicine. He only takes it on school days. It effects his appetite and of course suppresses a lot his energy. I worry about it shunting his personality. I was/am shy as well. But I still had friends.
I have talked to my wife about this once or twice, she's not overly concerned. ... But she's an only child.

I dunno ... reason to worry?
Feels better to type this out and get it off my chest. ...

 

[Mr. Sunshine]

Given your background, your feelings are perfectly understandable. Is your son happy when he's spending time alone? I ask because my son was recently diagnosed as autistic, and while I worry about him socializing and making friends as he gets older, he is very content to get lost in his favorite things. I figure as long as he can be happy, even if it's by himself, that's a good sign.

Of course, your son's age adds another dimension. I know I didn't want to discuss anything with my parents once I became a teenager, and it was about that time I started hopping from friend to friend. To be honest, I would have preferred to have made good friends in the intervening years (because it affected my social skills in adulthood), but it wasn't the worst thing to be forced to develop my own personality.

Hopefully your son is just going through some typical awkward life transition.

 

[Captain_Kirk]

Wow about your brother, Orville; I can understand your concern.

Can't really offer much in terms of answers or opinion, but I'll give you a little story on my kids that might provide some comfort or insight. We have two boys, both great kids. The oldest, Mr. Social, never met a party or social gathering he didn't like. The younger one, much more of a keep to himself kid, all through grade school and even into high school. Not one to go out of the house a lot just for the sake of hanging out. But, he ended up finding his niche in a couple activities, cross country and orchestra, made a bunch of great friends there, and ended up his high school career being named prom king--possibly the most unlikely prom king of all time.

Even then, I wondered/worried how he was going to adjust to college this year being in a dorm environment amongst many, many others, rather still having some of his keep to himself time. Well, let's just say that adjustment has been smashing. He's with a great group of friends, his room is sort of video game central for their floor, and he's frankly having the time of his life.

So, I guess the moral of my story is things all have sorted themselves out on their own over time, even if maybe my wife and I might have been like you, and wanted things to have progressed faster.

And while both of my boys are good kids, Mr. Social has certainly has provided me a few more gray hairs along the way than the other one, so consider that as well.

 

[User 11148]

Of course you have reason to worry. Even without your backstory you'd worry ... that's what fathers do.

If mom's not too worried then you probably shouldn't be.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

Orville, you mentioned that he's not into playing sports. What else is he into? And are there activities at school that he can channel those interests? Such as, if he's into music, maybe he can join the band. Or, if he's into other things, maybe there's a club. This way, he interacts with the other kids more than just in class or at recess.

Out of school, look to your county Social Services to see if there are any organizations that deal with ADHD or other special needs kids. They may have support groups, both for parent and kids, and may know some other groups that meet just so the kids can interact. One of my kids is in a teen group, where they meet every two weeks at a social services place. The teens run around, play video games, watch movies while the parents sit around and chat about whatever issues. It may take a lot of time and effort to find these groups, and organizations, because they're not very well known.

 

[Evil ... Thy name is Orville Redenbacher!!]

He is into his Kindle. Games and YouTube videos. he plays outside when his friend his here.
I'm really, strongly considering Scouts.

 

[User 11148]

Ever thought of a musical instrument? Becoming a musician can be both a very pleasant solo activity AND it opens you up to bonding/friendship opportunities.

 

[BDC99]

Yeah, I think scouts or something social would help. He could show he has stuff in common with others and make more friends. Sports did wonders for my shyness as a kid, but if he's not into that, find something that he would enjoy.

 

[BDC99]

Ever thought of a musical instrument? Becoming a musician can be both a very pleasant solo activity AND it opens you up to bonding/friendship opportunities.

Dunno. Have to see if he has any propensity for that. Unless I was just a moron, music did not do anything for me. I just could not learn the notes or read the music. Guess my brain isn't wired that way.

 

[bigpern23]

Nobody will ever have a better instinct for your kid than you and your wife, Evil. If you're worried, it's for good reason. Don't talk yourself out of the concern, just do your best to address it however you and your wife think is best.

 

[outofplace]

Agreed, and even if you are overreacting, it's better than not addressing it and having your worst fears come true.

 

[SFIND]

I am a loner and was a loner throughout school. I hated my mother telling me I needed to make more friends and be social just because she thought I needed to. If your son is social with his brother and has a couple of other friends, you need to stop worrying, and you don't need to pressure him to make more friends. That made me resent my mother. If your son doesn't like most kids in his class, that doesn't make him a hermit. That may mean he's a hell of lot more mature than his fellow middle schoolers.

And for the love of God, don't force your son into the ****ing Scouts. He isn't 6 anymore.

 

[TigerVols]

Sometimes I think that about 80 percent of whatever success in life, at least my professional life, I've achieved is due to skills I learned and experiences I had in Boy Scouts.

 

[User 1019]

I often think about the same thing, TV. I attribute what little success I've had to the farm work I did as a kid. Loading watermelons, hay, and general farm work for a man in the church where I grew up certainly taught me the value of a dollar -- he was a cheap ass -- and what it meant to work HARD. I took those skills and lessons and was able to apply them and succeed when others faltered when it got too hard.

 

[User 1019]

I'm a huge fan of competition for kids. If he isn't into sports, maybe suggest some other competitive venture, like debate team or maybe go-kart racing (which isn't nearly as expensive as it sounds).

 

[cranberry]

That's a difficult age. Boys are typically going through puberty at different stages, some sooner than others, and adjusting to that and all that goes along with it.

Is there a home room or other teacher whose opinion you could solicit?

 

[Ace]

Evil,

I would insist your son engage in some kind of activity. Most of us are not eager to try new things but may love them once we do. Sometimes you just need the push from a parent.

Music is great. My son started playing bassoon in 7th grade, and it was how he got into the best public school in the city n the performing arts program and a college scholarship.

Like Capt. Kirk, I have two sons. The older was always out with friends. In middle school, he's go to parties where he was the only go with a half-d0zen or more girls.

The younger (musician) was never shy to talk to parents and other kids but would rather be at home interacting with other kids via video games. We practically had to push him out the door.

He started wrestling his sophomore year and really blossomed his senior year. Now he is pledging a fraternity in college, really into exercice and lifting weights. This is a kid who at age 13 I told him I wouldn't sign him up for baseball again because he never practiced.

So give him a push to get him to do something that he really probably wants to do but needs the assist. Just remember, middle school sucks. It's hard for everyone.

Good luck.

 

[JC]

Good luck "insisting" that they engage in an activity.

 

[Dick Whitman]

Evil,

I would insist your son engage in some kind of activity. Most of us are not eager to try new things but may love them once we do. Sometimes you just need the push from a parent.

Music is great. My son started playing bassoon in 7th grade, and it was how he got into the best public school in the city n the performing arts program and a college scholarship.

Like Capt. Kirk, I have two sons. The older was always out with friends. In middle school, he's go to parties where he was the only go with a half-d0zen or more girls.

The younger (musician) was never shy to talk to parents and other kids but would rather be at home interacting with other kids via video games. We practically had to push him out the door.

He started wrestling his sophomore year and really blossomed his senior year. Now he is pledging a fraternity in college, really into exercice and lifting weights. This is a kid who at age 13 I told him I wouldn't sign him up for baseball again because he never practiced.

So give him a push to get him to do something that he really probably wants to do but needs the assist. Just remember, middle school sucks. It's hard for everyone.

Good luck.

I'm not sure the bolded portion is going to sell real well in these parts.

 

[Ace]

I'm not sure the bolded portion is going to sell real well in these parts.

Oh, well. Would not have been my choice.