MU,
I thought about this sort of thread when I saw your little victory in recent days. I'm in the same boat. As I've mentioned before, I quit for almost eight months in 2001 and started again on Sept. 11. I probably should have gone with whiskey, but I needed to be alert because we really didn't know whether it was isolated. Anyway, I've bounced between smoking a few packs a week and not smoking at all.
Here's my problem: When I kick them for a few days, I feel 10 times better. I mean this. When I smoke even one cigarette, I feel extremely tired. If I keep it up for a few days, I have days when I can hardly stand. My joints begin to ache, and I get dark circles under my eyes. Finally, I get sick of feeling so bad and I quit again. But I always seem to buy a pack when I'm on a natural physical high. It's like a loop I can't seem to escape.
Right now, I've gone about three days without a smoke. The problem is that I ate almost half a cheese coffee cake a few minutes ago. Plus, I had a Hershey's bar and two sodas. And my wife is making lunch, which I'll probably eat. This is just four hours after I ate breakfast. Last night, I ate almost two whole California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizzas. They're as thin as crackers, but I nearly polished off two of the things. And that didn't include the third of a cherry coffee cake that I ate, nor the two cokes I sucked down while eating the pizza.
The thing is that I am crazing a smoke so badly that my nerves are a terrible mess. I barked at my son once yesterday, something I almost never do. I'm so on edge that I have to bite my lip to avoid yelling at my wife for absolute stupid ****. For instance, I was starting to tell a story this morning when she blurted out that a pet cat on a cartoon had the same comb-over haircut as its owner. I just stopped the story and refused to continue, but I really wanted to throw a fit about how she just cut me off for something completely trivial.
I know I can do this. But I really want to diet as well. And I just can't handle that until I go a few more days without a smoke.
Exercise really helps me relieve some of the anxiety, but it actually causes me to crave a smoke.
I don't remember where I read this, but I read recently that some people have self-destructive personalities. I'm beginning to believe that's my problem. It's as though I won't let myself succeed. It's as though I need a crutch. The sad part is that I'm 10 times more productive in all facets of my life when I'm not fighting these battles. The last time I went through the withdrawal and finally started to feel energetic again, I did so many chores in one day that my wife thought I was somebody else. Two days later, I celebrated by buying a pack of smokes after a long, stressful night writing a gamer.