Preparing for death

[BurnsWhenIPee]

As we get closer to D-Day, I find myself thinking more and more about making things easier on the survivors.

To be more specific, we have a couple of kids out on their own, in their early 20s. With no children remaining on the payroll, my wife and I are doing more traveling and enjoying our later years. It struck me the chaos that would ensue if we, God forbid, got into an accident in our travels and didn't make it back home.

Thinking it would be a good idea to put together a packet of information for the kids. Things like where our will/living will/power of attorney documents are, our lawyer's contact info, passwords to our accounts, information on our safe deposit box, listing of passwords, who to contact at our employers about life insurance, bank accounts and other life insurance documents, our funeral wishes, who in the family to call to inform everyone and things like that.

Feels a little macabre, and not the greatest way to spend a weekend, but think it would be a pretty responsible thing to put together. Anyone here done that?

 

[Shropshire Slasher]

Bus.

 

[MileHigh]

As we get closer to D-Day, I find myself thinking more and more about making things easier on the survivors.

To be more specific, we have a couple of kids out on their own, in their early 20s. With no children remaining on the payroll, my wife and I are doing more traveling and enjoying our later years. It struck me the chaos that would ensue if we, God forbid, got into an accident in our travels and didn't make it back home.

Thinking it would be a good idea to put together a packet of information for the kids. Things like where our will/living will/power of attorney documents are, our lawyer's contact info, passwords to our accounts, information on our safe deposit box, listing of passwords, who to contact at our employers about life insurance, bank accounts and other life insurance documents, our funeral wishes, who in the family to call to inform everyone and things like that.

Feels a little macabre, and not the greatest way to spend a weekend, but think it would be a pretty responsible thing to put together. Anyone here done that?

Yes, you should do this. You should have a will so you lay out specifically where you want stuff to go. Because if you don't, a court will decide. Or you'll have family members fighting. Need to lay out who will execute your estate. Etc.

As many here know I was executor of my sister's family estate when we lost them in the plane crash. Thankfully, they laid out everything and how things needed to be distributed. It was a long process just because there was so much in the estates and it took a while to untangle it all. And it was not an even distribution to beneficiaries and now it's even more complicated because one of the beneficiaries died in 2023 and where what's left in the estate (the sale of the business) gets split up three ways.

Thankfully, my sister's family lawyer wrote it up and knew what to do and was/is tremendous. Would not have been able to navigate it without her.

So, yes, highly highly highly recommended you do this. Because from first-hand experience, it can happen at anytime.

Happy to answer questions here or in PM if you want.

 

[Liut]

Single, no children but I've taken care of my funeral, written my obituary. Three family members have agreed to have access to my investments and passwords.
Just trying to be as little a burden as possible.

 

[UNCGrad]

As we get closer to D-Day, I find myself thinking more and more about making things easier on the survivors.

To be more specific, we have a couple of kids out on their own, in their early 20s. With no children remaining on the payroll, my wife and I are doing more traveling and enjoying our later years. It struck me the chaos that would ensue if we, God forbid, got into an accident in our travels and didn't make it back home.

Thinking it would be a good idea to put together a packet of information for the kids. Things like where our will/living will/power of attorney documents are, our lawyer's contact info, passwords to our accounts, information on our safe deposit box, listing of passwords, who to contact at our employers about life insurance, bank accounts and other life insurance documents, our funeral wishes, who in the family to call to inform everyone and things like that.

Feels a little macabre, and not the greatest way to spend a weekend, but think it would be a pretty responsible thing to put together. Anyone here done that?

I need to do this for my wife and daughter. Thanks for the reminder.

Every time my dad travels, he texts me, "The envelope is on the kitchen island."

 

[Driftwood]

Yes. This is all a great idea.
Having dealt with my dad passing a couple of years ago, the best piece of advice is to make sure every deed, title, bank account, etc. has two people's names on them. It makes life so much easier. Everything of my wife and mine and my mom's has two names on it. We use OR and not AND, so if something happens, a survivor has immediate access to everything with no hassle.
Also, do your family a favor and get rid of your "stuff." If it's something you actually use or has some personal or real value to survivors, that's different. But if it's some random bottle cap or ticket stub or rusty screwdriver ... get rid of it.

 

[tapintoamerica]

As we get closer to D-Day, I find myself thinking more and more about making things easier on the survivors.

To be more specific, we have a couple of kids out on their own, in their early 20s. With no children remaining on the payroll, my wife and I are doing more traveling and enjoying our later years. It struck me the chaos that would ensue if we, God forbid, got into an accident in our travels and didn't make it back home.

Thinking it would be a good idea to put together a packet of information for the kids. Things like where our will/living will/power of attorney documents are, our lawyer's contact info, passwords to our accounts, information on our safe deposit box, listing of passwords, who to contact at our employers about life insurance, bank accounts and other life insurance documents, our funeral wishes, who in the family to call to inform everyone and things like that.

Feels a little macabre, and not the greatest way to spend a weekend, but think it would be a pretty responsible thing to put together. Anyone here done that?

This is the last — and one of the greatest — gifts you can make. The Five Wishes form was of great comfort to me when my mother’s death was imminent.

 

[BurnsWhenIPee]

Yes, you should do this. You should have a will so you lay out specifically where you want stuff to go. Because if you don't, a court will decide. Or you'll have family members fighting. Need to lay out who will execute your estate. Etc.

As many here know I was executor of my sister's family estate when we lost them in the plane crash. Thankfully, they laid out everything and how things needed to be distributed. It was a long process just because there was so much in the estates and it took a while to untangle it all. And it was not an even distribution to beneficiaries and now it's even more complicated because one of the beneficiaries died in 2023 and where what's left in the estate (the sale of the business) gets split up three ways.

Thankfully, my sister's family lawyer wrote it up and knew what to do and was/is tremendous. Would not have been able to navigate it without her.

So, yes, highly highly highly recommended you do this. Because from first-hand experience, it can happen at anytime.

Happy to answer questions here or in PM if you want.

Yeah, we have all those documents prepared. As soon as our youngest was born and we knew we were done having children, that was the gift my wife and I gave each other one Christmas. Have updated it over the years and made sure all the TOD designations are where they need to be.

We are just wanting to make sure our kids are scrambling as little as necessary when the time comes.

Thanks (everyone) for the input, and sorry if this dredged up any painful memories, MileHigh.

 

[playthrough]

Yes. This is all a great idea.
Having dealt with my dad passing a couple of years ago, the best piece of advice is to make sure every deed, title, bank account, etc. has two people's names on them. It makes life so much easier. Everything of my wife and mine and my mom's has two names on it. We use OR and not AND, so if something happens, a survivor has immediate access to everything with no hassle.
Also, do your family a favor and get rid of your "stuff." If it's something you actually use or has some personal or real value to survivors, that's different. But if it's some random bottle cap or ticket stub or rusty screwdriver ... get rid of it.

Hear-hear on the stuff. When my Dad passed, the extent of his stuff was his golf bag and about two shopping bags' worth of little things. I remember being sad about that at first before remembering my Dad wasn't a "stuff" guy and it was actually a blessing.

 

[Driftwood]

Hear-hear on the stuff. When my Dad passed, the extent of his stuff was his golf bag and about two shopping bags' worth of little things. I remember being sad about that at first before remembering my Dad wasn't a "stuff" guy and it was actually a blessing.

My dad was the opposite. He never got rid of anything, and then I had to get rid of everything. If windshield wipers, fan belts, tires, spark plugs, etc. were bad enough for you to replace, there wasn't a reason to keep the old ones.
Maybe it's just an area thing, but I'm of an age where most of my friends and associates are losing parents. All of us commiserate about having to get rid of "stuff" that should have been gone 40-50 years ago. Most of our parents grew up at the end of the Depression or during war rationing. "Wellllll, you never know when you might need that."

 

[MileHigh]

Yeah, we have all those documents prepared. As soon as our youngest was born and we knew we were done having children, that was the gift my wife and I gave each other one Christmas. Have updated it over the years and made sure all the TOD designations are where they need to be.

We are just wanting to make sure our kids are scrambling as little as necessary when the time comes.

Thanks (everyone) for the input, and sorry if this dredged up any painful memories, MileHigh.

Not at all. Big part of my life, obviously. If I can help others through my experiences, I'm more than happy to do it.

But I do draw the line at running plane crash threads </crossthread>

 

[DanOregon]

I've had a few friends with health challenges in recent years - and while it never got to the "get your affairs in order stage" - I said it was always a good idea to organize things in a way so family members could focus on their health situation without distraction or worry. It also gave my friends something to focus on instead of their health challenges and was a welcome distraction.

 

[swingline]

If I write something up and have a notary sign it, is it a legal document the court will follow?

 

[Brooklyn Bridge]

Yes. This is all a great idea.
Having dealt with my dad passing a couple of years ago, the best piece of advice is to make sure every deed, title, bank account, etc. has two people's names on them. It makes life so much easier. Everything of my wife and mine and my mom's has two names on it. We use OR and not AND, so if something happens, a survivor has immediate access to everything with no hassle.
Also, do your family a favor and get rid of your "stuff." If it's something you actually use or has some personal or real value to survivors, that's different. But if it's some random bottle cap or ticket stub or rusty screwdriver ... get rid of it.

Of course, as soon as you get rid of said item, you will find need for it soon after.

My dad has some property and wants me to be executor. I have two brothers, and we’re supposed to figure it out after. I’m trying to tell him, sell the property now and put the money into the grandkids college fund. Or don’t. At this point, my wife and I aren’t expecting anything, but I don’t want to deal with the legal issues and the fighting with family.

 

[MileHigh]

If I write something up and have a notary sign it, is it a legal document the court will follow?

Yup. You can sit with an estate attorney and a good one will go through everything. Your house, your car, your life insurance, who gets the dog and cat? They will draw it up, get it notarized and you should give a copy to your executor and also put the original in a safe deposit box.

Just be sure you put where the key is. We couldn't find my sister's. Or the backup. The bank won't just open it. The office manager of their business said my sister often put stuff in the box and carried the key in her purse. I reached out to the coroner. Sure enough, it was in her purse among the wreckage. I went back out there, got it. It was bent. It took about 45 minutes, but we were able to finally open it.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

My dad was the opposite. He never got rid of anything, and then I had to get rid of everything. If windshield wipers, fan belts, tires, spark plugs, etc. were bad enough for you to replace, there wasn't a reason to keep the old ones.
Maybe it's just an area thing, but I'm of an age where most of my friends and associates are losing parents. All of us commiserate about having to get rid of "stuff" that should have been gone 40-50 years ago. Most of our parents grew up at the end of the Depression or during war rationing. "Wellllll, you never know when you might need that."

That’s my Mom to a T. She never wants to get rid of anything, to the point of where my wife and I believe she’s a hoarder. Not as bad as on TV (no dead animals around, for instance), but still fairly bad.

A few years back, we tried to get her to get rid of some stuff, arguing that Dad was having heart surgery and would need to be able to move around. That was a few weekends of emotion (really Mom, you want to keep this filthy telephone cord?), and we did get rid of some stuff. But now there’s more.

My wife reminds me that at some point, we’re going to have to be the ones to clean out the house. I tell her that I’d rather do it after both of them are gone because while I know it’ll be difficult, I’d rather avoid devoting my parents’ limited days to emotional battles over junk.

 

[playthrough]

My dad was the opposite. He never got rid of anything, and then I had to get rid of everything. If windshield wipers, fan belts, tires, spark plugs, etc. were bad enough for you to replace, there wasn't a reason to keep the old ones.
Maybe it's just an area thing, but I'm of an age where most of my friends and associates are losing parents. All of us commiserate about having to get rid of "stuff" that should have been gone 40-50 years ago. Most of our parents grew up at the end of the Depression or during war rationing. "Wellllll, you never know when you might need that."

That's exactly what we're going through with my wife's Dad, who died last month at age 91. He was a junk dealer his whole life (largely cars and tractors), and for years before got sick he was more of a compiler than a seller. Because who's to say when you might need parts for a 1973 Scout?

 

[BurnsWhenIPee]

Yup. You can sit with an estate attorney and a good one will go through everything. Your house, your car, your life insurance, who gets the dog and cat? They will draw it up, get it notarized and you should give a copy to your executor and also put the original in a safe deposit box.

Just be sure you put where the key is. We couldn't find my sister's. Or the backup. The bank won't just open it. The office manager of their business said my sister often put stuff in the box and carried the key in her purse. I reached out to the coroner. Sure enough, it was in her purse among the wreckage. I went back out there, got it. It was bent. It took about 45 minutes, but we were able to finally open it.

But the key is, "attorney," right?

You shouldn't just write something up yourself, have it notarized and think that's good enough.

 

[Driftwood]

That’s my Mom to a T. She never wants to get rid of anything, to the point of where my wife and I believe she’s a hoarder. Not as bad as on TV (no dead animals around, for instance), but still fairly bad.

A few years back, we tried to get her to get rid of some stuff, arguing that Dad was having heart surgery and would need to be able to move around. That was a few weekends of emotion (really Mom, you want to keep this filthy telephone cord?), and we did get rid of some stuff. But now there’s more.

My wife reminds me that at some point, we’re going to have to be the ones to clean out the house. I tell her that I’d rather do it after both of them are gone because while I know it’ll be difficult, I’d rather avoid devoting my parents’ limited days to emotional battles over junk.

I always classified my dad as a pack rat rather than a hoarder. He didn't go out and buy stuff just for the sake of having it. When he had to replace something, he got what he needed but wouldn't toss out the old one. The crazy thing is, he could tell you exactly where it was.

 

[Wenders]

I'm the kid of an aging parent. When mom died last year, Dad's not exactly what we would call a tech person, so I transferred all of his passwords into my password vault so I can get into any of his accounts if I need to, I know who handles what as far as their funds and life stuff. I'm also an only child, so there will be no bickering about who gets the stuff. (During mom's eulogy last year, the pastor didn't know her at all and may have had her mixed up with someone else, because he talked about how she so loved her children and grandchildren. I asked my dad at the cemetery if we needed to talk about these extra siblings running around. Meanwhile, my fiance asked me where my children were, as I am childless as well. You have to find things to laugh about.)

My wife reminds me that at some point, we’re going to have to be the ones to clean out the house. I tell her that I’d rather do it after both of them are gone because while I know it’ll be difficult, I’d rather avoid devoting my parents’ limited days to emotional battles over junk.

This is a good plan. When my grandparents went into the nursing home, we tackled the house as a family. Someone made the crucial mistake of letting my grandfather know that we had thrown out the asbestos-riddled ceiling tiles from the house they tore down in 1952. He was furious. THOSE COULD BE USEFUL ONE DAY.

All of my grandparents lived through the Depression. You just don't throw things away. You find uses for them. Unfortunately, that mindset went to my parents, and now onto me. It's probably the only thing me and my husband have seriously fought about is my stuff and my unwillingness to part with some of it.