I guess I'm a coach now ...

[Boom_70]

Teach them not to dribble before they shoot.

 

[Beef03]

Remember you're there to win and so are the kids. Nobody likes a loser. You start training them to "have fun" and they'll only grow up to be soft. The kids who aren't any good, make sure they only see the field when the score is so far out of reach even they can't possibly blow it -- you know they aren't going to have a future in soccer anyways, especially if they come from a poor family that can't afford to send them to soccer camp or throw a team party at the end of the year.


Oh and remember, no mercy.

[/bluefont]

Basically don't be douche and you should be fine. If a kids parent decides to be a douche (and there will be one) hit them over the with a chair. or tell them to **** off. Whatever works.

 

[BYH]

From your own standpoint try to remain inconspicuous on the sidelines. You need to walk away from season with your dignity intact. You're not coaching the World Cup. I once watched Mike Lupica run up and down the sidelines for an entire 6 year old game. I was embarrassed for him - watching his tiny legs churning.

I'm not sure what would make this funnier: If it was true, or if it was false. Either way, Boom is bringing the dynamite on this thread:

Teach them not to dribble before they shoot.

 

[Boom_70]

From your own standpoint try to remain inconspicuous on the sidelines. You need to walk away from season with your dignity intact. You're not coaching the World Cup. I once watched Mike Lupica run up and down the sidelines for an entire 6 year old game. I was embarrassed for him - watching his tiny legs churning.

I'm not sure what would make this funnier: If it was true, or if it was false. Either way, Boom is bringing the dynamite on this thread:

Teach them not to dribble before they shoot.

Absolutely true - His daughters team played my nieces team.

 

[qtlaw]

All I ask of my kids are:

Play hard;
Be good teammates (support each other);
Get better each game/match.

If the kids still want to play and have more enthusiasm for the sport when the season's over, I've done my job.

 

[forever_town]

If I could add one thing to qtlaw's advice, it's teach the kids to be respect themselves and each other. Teach them the importance of playing hard to win when you're on the field, but to be respectful of your opponent.

At that age, you're not trying to train the next Pele or the next Landon Donovan. You're teaching the kids how to play for a greater purpose than themselves. If you can get that from them, you're a success no matter what your team's record is.

Whenever you coach children, your purpose has to be to impart life lessons they can take with them into their later school years and into their adulthood.

 

[beanpole]

Update:

I got my coaching materials, and was somewhat surprised to see that we're keeping score. Winners and losers in 3-to-5-year-old soccer? Hm.

Even better, there's a website where I'm supposed to record stats within 12 hours after the game. I can even write a gamer and take photos, if I want.

Honestly, do they really expect me to keep stats while I'm also making sure my 4 players on the field don't fall down and cry; while I'm making sure my 4 players on the bench aren't eating dirt or wandering away, and while I'm making sure everyone plays the exact same amount of time?

Jesus.

 

[Boom_70]

This is where hot team mom comes in handy. She needs to organize volunteer group each week- one for snacks, one for stats, one as worm monitor.

 

[BYH]

This is where hot team mom comes in handy. She needs to organize volunteer group each week- one for snacks, one for stats, one as worm monitor.

Coach Beanpole? I ate my worm.

 

[GermanKeyser]

Reassure the parents that you're not keeping scores and stats and that it's all about the kids and players having fun and it's not about winning.

Then put in an anonymous call to the newspapers with detailed stats, all added up and in order, of course, pointing out your most valuable players, who's likely to go pro one day, and calling out all the slackers and kids who like to sit around and watch the birds fly by.

Oh, and to start practices, it probably wouldn't hurt to do a couple of 100-yard bear crawls in the rain and mud. It builds character.

 

[Buck]

Step 1: Take the kids to summer camp in Junction, Texas.

 

[Boom_70]

If I could add one thing to qtlaw's advice, it's teach the kids to be respect themselves and each other. Teach them the importance of playing hard to win when you're on the field, but to be respectful of your opponent.

At that age, you're not trying to train the next Pele or the next Landon Donovan. You're teaching the kids how to play for a greater purpose than themselves. If you can get that from them, you're a success no matter what your team's record is.

Whenever you coach children, your purpose has to be to impart life lessons they can take with them into their later school years and into their adulthood.

I dunno - teaching life's lessons to 3 - 5 year olds seems like a bit of an overreach.

If you must though only give a trophy to the MVP. Lifes first lesson -- you all can't be winners.