Heard a good one lately?: The Joke Thread

[DanOregon]

Heard this on the radio, Kinky Friedman told it, said he got it from Willie Nelson.

A guy goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, "you're going to have to stop masterbating."
The guys says "Why?"
The doctor says. "Because I'm about to start the examination."

 

[Flip Wilson]

Also from Willie Nelson, at the very end of the movie Beerfest:

Dad: "Son, you're going to have to stop masturbating or you'll go blind."

Son: "Dad, I'm over here."

 

[CentralIllinoisan]

What's the chance, at this very second, that Willie Nelson is killing a kitten?

 

[mike311gd]

Please, think of the kittens.

 

[Tommy_Dreamer]

CI, delete that post. That's just disturbing man!

 

[westcoastvol]

Michael Vick was just dropped by Nike as its spokesperson.




But he wasn't out of a shoe deal for long, as he was immediately signed by Hush Puppies.

 

[Barsuk]

In the same vein:

Michael Vick's sentence came down. They're giving him a year probation and community service at the local humane society. He'll be in charge of euthanasia.

 

[novelist_wannabe]

Mr. Vick, your pending roommate is on the phone. Says his name is Dover. First name Ben ...

 

[micropolitan guy]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

 

[Matt1735]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the Driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

 

[I'll never tell]

Do you know how to make a 90-year-old woman scream ****?

Get another 90-year-old woman to scream BINGO

 

[Pastor]

The Pope is in the shower having a wee wank when, as he's about to reach his Papal cliff, a member of the paparazzi appears out of nowhere and flashes a picture. The Pope, with a feeling of abject horror, demands that the paparazzi delete that photo.
"No way! This is my meal ticket," says the paparazzi. "This photo is worth a million bucks!"
"But," says the Pope, "this will tear down the Catholic church. I'll tell you what, I'll buy that camera for you for a million dollars."
"Deal."
So, out of the shower, the Pope is walking down the hallway and one of the nuns says, "Why Pope, that is one nice looking camera you have there."
"Thank you. I just bought it for a million dollars."
"Oh, well, whoever sold it to you must have seen you coming."

 

[Chef]

Guy goes to the local bar.

Sign at the bar says "Best pet trick.....first prize $500"

Guy goes home and drags back pet alligator and big stick.

Everyone gathers around.

Guy takes out stick and says "Gator, open your mouth" and slaps the gator on the snout.

Gator opens his mouth...guy unzips his pants, puts his **** in gator's mouth.

"Gator.....close your mouth"......snaps the gator on the snout with the stick.

Gator closes his mouth.

Few seconds go bye.

Guy says "Gator.....open your mouth"

Gator opens his mouth.

Guy looks around the room......says "Now......does anyone else in this bar have enough balls to try that?"

Gay guy at the end of the bar screams out......."Yeah, yeah I will......just don't hit me with that ****ing stick!"

 

[mike311gd]

A wealthy businessman, Jason, is throwing a party in a ritzy, white neighborhood. While he's at the store, he runs into Leroy, the token black dude, and invites him to an extravagant party at his house.

While at the party, Jason makes an announcement: "In my pool, I've got a wild alligator," he said. "Anybody with the stones to jump in and wrestle the gator will get $1 million."

Before Jason could finish, he heard a blig splash, and Leroy was fighting with the alligator. For 15 minutes, Leroy and the gator are flipping around, splashing, exchanging blows. Finally, Leroy beats the alligator and climbs out of the pool.

Amazed, Jason says, "Dude, I can't believe that. Well, I'm a man of my word. Here's a check for $1 million."
Leroy says, "**** that. I don't want your money."
Jason: "Are you serious? I've got to give you something. How about $500,000?"
Leroy: "Are you deaf? I don't want your money."
Jason: "At least let me give you a car or stock options ... something?"
Leroy: "No. I don't want it."
Jason: "Well, there's got to be something you must want."
Leroy: "Yeah. I want the name of the mother****er that pushed me into the pool."

 

[Omar_dont_scare]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

I heard that one, except the last line was "He never heard the shot."

 

[joe]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

 

[daveevansedge]

This one's probably been around in variations, but ...

Texan takes a vacation to Ireland. He walks into a local pub and loudly announces, "I hear you Irish can really drink. I'll bet $500 that nobody in here can put away 10 pints of Guinness, one after the other."
Nobody takes him up on it, and one person leaves the pub.
Thirty minutes later, the person who left returns to the pub and asks the cowboy, "Is your offer still good?" The Texan says yes, and the bartender lines up 10 glasses of Guinness. The Irishman proceeds to quickly down all 10 pints.
The stunned cowboy says, "Well, I'm a man of my word, so here's your $500. But I saw you walk out after I first made the offer. Where did you go."
Said the Irishman: "To the pub down the street. I wanted to make sure I could do it."

 

[markvid]

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a bank robbery. Doctor says all 3 bullets are in each kid, but not to worry, no harm, they can lives their lives normally until the bullets come out.
One day, 16 years later, one girl comes downstairs. crying, says "Mommy, I was peeing, and a bullet came out."
Mom: "Don't worry honey, you are fine."
Girl number 2 has the same thing happen 2 days later. Mom says she's fine.
A week later, the mother hears a bang, a howl and a thud from her son's room. She goes racing upstairs, throws open the door to see her son with no pants on, a Penthouse in his one hand and a terrified look as he says "MOM, I SHOT THE DOG!"

 

[User 1019]

Good one.

 

[User 1019]

This one probably crosses a couple of lines, but ...

And it's a visual, so play along.


Why do chicks dig Jesus?

'Cause he's hung like this *stretches arms*.