Grandparents trying to buy grandkids' affection

[cowboy2001]

I'm curious to see if anyone else on the board deals with this issue. My mother pretty much showers my 4-year-old daughter with gifts every time she sees her. Whenever we visit, the first thing she says to my daughter is, "Guess what I bought you." Always trying to upstage my wife and I, especially at Christmas and her birthday, with extravagant presents (my wife and I have no desire to get into a bidding war with my mother, plus we're trying to teach our daughter that money isn't everything).

I've politely mentioned this to my mother a couple of times, and each time her defense mechanism has been to place the blame on me; pretty much saying that a good son wouldn't place limits on how much she can spend on her granddaughter. Look, I get it. Grandparents want to spoil their grandkids. I just think they should also help play a part in making sure their grandkids don't turn into greedy entitled a-holes. My wife and I are certainly doing what we can to prevent that.

Anyone have a similar story/advice on how to deal?

 

[Big Circus]

We had the same issue. The solution that worked for us was "Have younger siblings have children of their own, shifting the gift focus in that direction."

 

[Ace]

Hey cowboy,

Maybe tap into grandma's largesse in a way that works better for everyone. Tell grandma that you want to teach your daughter that experiences and spending time with family mean more than things.

So encourage her to go in with you on a trip to the beach or Disney or the zoo, the park , whatever.

Maybe you can push it far enough so that grandma doesn't even tag along.

 

[Buck]

Is there something else the grandparents could do rather than buying gifts?
Clothes? Music, dance or singing lessons?

 

[Ace]

Is there something else the grandparents could do rather than buying gifts?
Clothes? Music, dance or singing lessons?

That's a great idea. Then they can take pride in seeing the concerts, shows, recitals, whatever.

 

[The Big Ragu]

Just a few thoughts off the top of my head:

1) Nothing wrong with grandma being special to a grandkid. Still, it is probably not cool of your mom to not honor your request -- whether you are being ureasonable or not, I always think people should respect parents' wishes. I still wouldn't go to war over it. Instead, maybe let your daughter know that grandma is very generous (let grandma be special to your daughter; it's for your daughter, not your mom), and that it's nice when you get great gifts, but not something she can expect. Your daughter will figure it out if you are otherwise grounding her.

2) Maybe approach your mom with this instead: Smaller gifts and maybe instead put the "extra" into a college fund when she wants? My dad did custodial funds for his grandkids that grew nicely over time. I don't have kids, but my siblings do, and even though my siblings didn't need my dad's help to pay for their kids' college (something they wanted to do), I just think it is neat that my nephews and niece know that my dad (who is gone now) paid for some of their education.

 

[LongTimeListener]

Let them spoil the bejesus out of their grandkids. Tell them it's grandma and grandpa rules. You don't have to change your attitude at all, they will learn they get a little extra from those old people but they still have the discipline of being in your house and following their rules. And they'll love grandma and grandpa more for it.

Soon enough the grandparents won't be around. Regulating their behavior now leads to unhappy you, unhappy them, and a lot of times as a result unhappy kids.

 

[Buck]

Grandparent/grandkid relationships are interesting to me..
Three of my grandparents died before I was born, and the last died well before I could be cognizant of him or develop any memories.
I have a sister who has multiple children raised multiple children in the same town in which we were raised and in which my parent still lived. Her children always had a very close relationship with our parents/their grandparents. Although my parents were not the spoiling type, they did buy gifts for birthdays and Xmas, and they took one grandkid each year on vacation with them.
My brother had multiple kids in another part of the country, and he and his wife always seemed resentful of the relationship my sister's kids enjoyed with our parents/their grandparents. However, I think this was a case of logistics. My parents went to visit when they could, but the travel was very difficult for them.

My kids were born after my parents died, but I'm glad they have grandparents on the other side.

 

[Buck]

I'd also point out that you are attributing some very negative motivations to grandma's actions - 'trying to buy affection' and 'attempting to upstage' your wife and you.
I'm not pretending to know the woman. Maybe both are true. Certainly, in the case of any 'upstaging,' that could be an outcome even if it is not intentional.
I happen to know and live with someone who has tendency to ascribe negative intent and motives where none are present.

 

[StaggerLee]

We're fighting this seemingly losing battle right now. It started when I moved the family five hours away for my job. She didn't see the kids as much and she would counter that by buying them stuff anytime they asked for it. When the kids would go visit for a week, she'd literally spend $500-700 to entertain them, taking them bowling, go-karting, to the movies, water parks, etc. I would talk to her and tell her not to do that because we were trying to teach the kids about earning things instead of just being given things all the time. She'd say she only does it because she doesn't see them enough and wants to make them happy.

When my dad died, the presents started to get bigger. She recently bought my oldest son an iPhone, even though we told her he wasn't old enough for one (11 at the time). She went against our wishes and bought it anyway and surprised him with it. She gets mad when we punish him from it, but that's part of the deal. She really spoils him above the other two kids, which is also a problem. My middle child is smart and he sees the discrepancy and he will point it out. It creates some tension between him and the oldest child.

I know she means well. I know she's just trying to give them everything she didn't have as a kid, but it undermines everything we're doing to teach them how to work for what you have. My oldest thinks his grandmother is an ATM. He will say anytime he needs something, "Well, just call (grandma), she's pay for it."

The other thing is my mom's retired now. My dad spent the last year of his life paralyzed and had huge hospital bills. I don't know how much longer her money is going to last (I don't get into her finances), so I don't want to see her scraping her pennies when times do get tough.

 

[Dick Whitman]

My biggest problem with my mother isn't that she showers my kids with stuff, although I don't love it. But that she lets them get away with **** that she shouldn't let them get away with, leading to behavior problems.

 

[micropolitan guy]

Lots of valid points here but to me, here's the main one:

She's your child. If you don't want your mother doing what she is doing, she should respect your wishes and stop, as you ask. If she continues, simply donate the gifts to charity or a local day-care center.

If you wanted your daughter raised in the Jewish faith (for example) and grandma kept taking her to Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt every Sunday, you wouldn't put up with that ****. Same concept. She is your child, not grandma's.

And as others have suggested, it's far less sexy, but far more practical, to put the money spent on Baked Chicken Barbie and other gifts she will soon outgrow into a college fund that will appreciate considerably over the next four years, and that you and your daughter will appreciate in 2030 when she heads off to school.

 

[Buck]

She is also your mother, and although you are an adult now, she is deserving of respect and consideration.

I think some of it has to do with the level of excessive gift-giving. Spending $700 a week on a grandchild multiple times per year is crazy.
And if it were my mother on a fixed income, I'd be concerned about her ability to afford such extravagance.
However, $700 in a week for a grandchild she sees once a year might not be as crazy if she is very comfortable in retirement. I think that depends on her circumstances.
Still seems like a lot to me, and it would bother me, but I'm frugal. I look forward to our children getting old enough to think of me as cheap.

Xmas and birthdays are one thing, and year-round lavishing of gifts is another.

I'd also say the notion of a child calling a grandparent and asking for things seems out of bounds to me. It's one thing for grandma to ask a child what he/she would like for Xmas/birthday.
It's quite another for a child to call grandma and ask for something unprompted. In that case, I would ask my mother to inform me when such a thing occurred, and we'd address that at home.

The cell phone thing also seems out of bounds. If the parents have determined a child is too young for a cell phone or tablet - or a BB gun or pocket knife or a laptop or his/her own TV - the grandparents should respect that.

 

[SpeedTchr]

Baked Chicken Barbie

Mmmmmm....

 

[jr/shotglass]

Rather than fighting the gifts, concentrate on making sure your child appreciates them. And maybe don't look upon as them trying to buy their grandchild's affection; I'm sure they have her affection. They just want her to be happy. They want to see her smile. It makes their world.

Their defensiveness when you bring it up ... well, that's a different story and something you need to deal with differently. If you need to bring it up.

Of course, that's a doting grandfather's opinion. And yes, when my granddaughter gets one of those ear-to-ear smiles, I melt all over the place.

 

[bigpern23]

My wife and I fight this same battle, only it's with my sister-in-law. She lives two minutes away, so we see her at least four days a week, probably more. And damn near every time she has something to give my kids. It's downright infuriating and has reached a level of being completely disrespectful.

Frankly, we don't have enough space for all the crap she gives them, whether it's clothes or toys. My SIL tries to say that we can "just give her back" anything we don't want, but when we do, she literally gets mad at my wife. My wife tries to keep the peace and eventually accepts some or all of whatever was given.

The worst part is that SIL doesn't ask what the kids like, or what kind of clothing styles my wife and I prefer for them. She gets them stuff that SHE likes and don't make any sense for our kids and then gets upset if they don't use them, or if we don't like them.

As others have mentioned, we're really trying to teach our kids not to be entitled, materialistic assholes and this makes it more difficult. My wife and I both grew up with a lot less than our kids will grow up with, so we're trying hard to keep them grounded and let them know that having "stuff" isn't what makes for happiness.

I've already flat-out told my SIL that I don't want her to give my daughter any American Girl dolls. They make me want to puke. They are sheer materialistic bull**** that teach kids who can and can't afford "the good dolls." First Christmas present she gave my daughter was a Bitty Baby, which unbeknownst to me is basically just a baby American Girl doll. These stupid little dolls cost $60! $60!

I don't want to bear the cost of my daughter wanting these dolls and their accessories, nor do I want her to think it's OK to spend that much money on dolls. It's ridiculous.

I've largely let my wife handle this stuff, but things are getting out of hand with my SIL. Pretty soon, it's going to come to a head and it's not going to go well, but she needs to learn her place when it comes to my kids.

 

[Beachey]

At some point you have to put your foot down, my brother was in a similar situation with his Filipino in-laws. He has two girls and not only were the presents excessive but when it was one girl's birthday, the other one would get as much. He just had to be the bad guy and say to stop.

As for people buying gifts for kids that they don't need, one strategy is to ask the giver to donate to a charity in the child's name. They can even decide with the child. Whether it donating to animal upkeep at the local zoo (think helping Simba) or picking out a toy to give to a neediest fund. It teaches the child a good lesson plus the adult feels like they are doing something special with the child.

 

[WriteThinking]

I'm in the camp of letting the grandparents spoil the kids. It's the parents' job to counter-balance and discuss limits with the children. The grandparents won't be around forever, and even if they are in the picture for a long time, they themselves will eventually realize that the kids are not appreciating their efforts at gift-giving, and will probably stop, or downsize the habit, on their own.

Giving to charity in a child's name is a great idea in theory, but it's probably kind of a one-time thing and wouldn't last beyond that special occasion. People -- even grandparents -- are not THAT generous. There is, indeed, a showy aspect to gift-giving, sometimes, that would be lost, right along with all the appeal.

 

[bigpern23]

At some point you have to put your foot down, my brother was in a similar situation with his Filipino in-laws. He has two girls and not only were the presents excessive but when it was one girl's birthday, the other one would get as much. He just had to be the bad guy and say to stop.

As for people buying gifts for kids that they don't need, one strategy is to ask the giver to donate to a charity in the child's name. They can even decide with the child. Whether it donating to animal upkeep at the local zoo (think helping Simba) or picking out a toy to give to a neediest fund. It teaches the child a good lesson plus the adult feels like they are doing something special with the child.

Wound up snapping at SIL tonight when she gave my kids gifts for my wife's birthday. This is a week after she gave them gifts for her daughter's birthday. It's not their birthday! Argh!

 

[SpeedTchr]

You dumbass. Tell the SIL your kids love Scotch.