Esquire's Why we cheat

[EagleMorph]

I'm surprised married men find women to cheat with, honestly. Just seems like so many pieces have to fall into place for an affair to occur: (1) Willing man; (2) Has to figure out that a woman is interested. That was tough enough when we were all on the market. I couldn't even imagine it with the obstacle of having to explain away your status; (3) Both have to then get past their inhibitions and act on it, which would seem to be an enormous step to take for each person, since each knows it's wrong, even if they privately were excited by the idea.

Give me my "boring" life any day.

Copious amounts of booze help.

 

[Twoback]

Biologically, we're not programmed for monogamy.
Monogamy is a meme (not in the lame, Internet definition but the real definition) that might have outlived its utility.

Such a cop-out.

 

[Michael Echan]

"Lack of character"?

That's just the thing that allows cheating. What drives people to cheat is biological.

And it's only "lack of character" if you try to impose 2000 years of social architecture on 2,000,000 years of human evolution.

I could easily accept this "running counter to natural instinct" argument, but there are many species of animals that engage in monogamous relationships, if that is the correct terminology. Not only that, but some people's brains are more predisposed to desiring multiple sexual partners at one time than others. Personally, I think people who cheat--especially on spouses or S.O.'s they've been with for many, many years--are weak-willed and untrustworthy, but that's just me.

 

[Buck]

Biologically, we're not programmed for monogamy.
Monogamy is a meme (not in the lame, Internet definition but the real definition) that might have outlived its utility.

Such a cop-out.

How is that a cop-out?
I have a very specific, and weird, idea about monogamy. I don't preach it, but I live it.
Despite the fact that I am, serially, monogamous, I can understand that monogamy is a cultural, not biological, idea that might have limited use.

 

[dooley_womack1]

"Lack of character"?

That's just the thing that allows cheating. What drives people to cheat is biological.

And it's only "lack of character" if you try to impose 2000 years of social architecture on 2,000,000 years of human evolution.

I could easily accept this "running counter to natural instinct" argument, but there are many species of animals that engage in monogamous relationships, if that is the correct terminology. Not only that, but some people's brains are more predisposed to desiring multiple sexual partners at one time than others. Personally, I think people who cheat--especially on spouses or S.O.'s they've been with for many, many years--are weak-willed and untrustworthy, but that's just me.

I bet some of the most reliable employees are cheaters. And I bet a lot of criminals are monogamous. Personality is so multifaceted; you just can't paint with a broad brush

 

[cranberry]

"Lack of character"?

That's just the thing that allows cheating. What drives people to cheat is biological.

And it's only "lack of character" if you try to impose 2000 years of social architecture on 2,000,000 years of human evolution.

I could easily accept this "running counter to natural instinct" argument, but there are many species of animals that engage in monogamous relationships, if that is the correct terminology. Not only that, but some people's brains are more predisposed to desiring multiple sexual partners at one time than others. Personally, I think people who cheat--especially on spouses or S.O.'s they've been with for many, many years--are weak-willed and untrustworthy, but that's just me.

I bet some of the most reliable employees are cheaters. And I bet a lot of criminals are monogamous. Personality is so multifaceted; you just can't paint with a broad brush

Just the sales guys.

 

[Buck]

Monogamy was a huge idea. It helped turn baboons into people.
+

 

[HejiraHenry]

I enjoyed reading that. I would like to hear that read out loud by Clive Owen.

 

[Twoback]

Biologically, we're not programmed for monogamy.
Monogamy is a meme (not in the lame, Internet definition but the real definition) that might have outlived its utility.

Such a cop-out.

How is that a cop-out?
I have a very specific, and weird, idea about monogamy. I don't preach it, but I live it.
Despite the fact that I am, serially, monogamous, I can understand that monogamy is a cultural, not biological, idea that might have limited use.

That we are not "biologically programmed" for monogamy is a ruse that's endorsed by those who want to excuse their serial cheating.
We are the only mammals with reasoning, with conscience, with logic.
When I wish to have an orgasm is very much a conscious decision, not something that must happen at a certain time in the year because it's "mating season."
As human beings, we make choices. The choice to choose a partner for life is one of them. That choice has not "outlived its usefulness." To suggest that is an absurd construct when there are so many billions of people happily in that circumstance.
It is not for everyone. But those who commit to that lifestyle choice and then betray it are making a conscious decision to commit an act that is indecent.

 

[KG]

What a piece of ****. I know he doesn't speak for the majority, but reading things like that makes me feel even less confident that there can be trust within a marriage.

 

[JonnyD]

Searched for a good thread to put this in, this seems as good as any:

What the **** is going through a cheater's mind (and I didn't find the article in the OP all that helpful)?

It came to light last week that my wife's brother has been cheating. His wife's family saw him around town with a woman several times and confronted him. He denied, but his story kept changing and it was obvious he was lying.

His wife started digging into his story, talking to his friends, checking phone records and such, and it became clear that he was lying and cheating. He's doing the liar's thing where he admits only what he absolutely has to when new evidence comes to light. Today, he admitted to having a one-night stand once and also to seeing this current woman since April but not physically cheating with her. The way he's describing things doesn't pass the smell test, and he's on his 15th story in the last week, so I'm sure there's more to it.

His wife is devastated. They are in their late 20s, together for 12 years and married for about half that. They have a two-year-old son. She and the son are staying the night at her parents' house while she tries to sort out what she's going to do, but I don't see any way the marriage can be saved at this point. She took a hammer to most of her wedding photos while he was at work today.

I just don't know what to think at this point. For one thing, I know my brother-in-law. Or rather, I thought I did. He'd never given anything indication that the marriage was unhappy. He seems like a great guy, and I still love him as a family member. But what the holy **** was he thinking?

He's trying like hell to convince his wife that it'll all be okay, so obviously he wants to stay in the marriage. So what on earth could have convinced him that what he was getting out of cheating was worth what he's losing? He's looking at, at best, half-custody of the son he adores. He's going to be paying alimony and child support, and he won't be able to afford their house after that's leftover, so they'll have to sell it for a loss. Everything they've built together will be gone.

So there's only two choices that I can come up with. One is that he was so incredibly stupid as to think there was no chance he'd get caught, despite the fact that it's small town and you can't take a dump without the coffee house discussing it. I don't think he's that stupid.

The other is that he's just so incredibly selfish that he knew what this might do this wife and son, and he just didn't care. I have trouble understanding how anyone could be *that* selfish, let alone someone I've known and respected.

Someone give me a third option that helps me understand this, because I'm just floored right now.

 

[Herbert Anchovy]

Boredom. Sameness. Vanity.

 

[Smasher_Sloan]

<b>I'm surprised married men find women to cheat with, honestly.</b> Just seems like so many pieces have to fall into place for an affair to occur: (1) Willing man; (2) Has to figure out that a woman is interested. That was tough enough when we were all on the market. I couldn't even imagine it with the obstacle of having to explain away your status; (3) Both have to then get past their inhibitions and act on it, which would seem to be an enormous step to take for each person, since each knows it's wrong, even if they privately were excited by the idea.

Give me my "boring" life any day.

Are you kidding? Craigslist is for more than selling the old coffee table.

 

[westcoastvol]

Biologically, we're not programmed for monogamy.
Monogamy is a meme (not in the lame, Internet definition but the real definition) that might have outlived its utility.

I couldn't agree more. I've been divorced 11 years. I'll never remarry, never have children. ****'s too complicated for me.

Some people talk about addiction in this regard. And yup, I have an addiction: to freedom. Mother ****ing freedom.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get down to the Regal Beagle before happy hour ends.

 

[Smasher_Sloan]

>>>She took a hammer to most of her wedding photos while he was at work today.<<<

Bad sign.

 

[LongTimeListener]

Searched for a good thread to put this in, this seems as good as any:

What the **** is going through a cheater's mind (and I didn't find the article in the OP all that helpful)?

It came to light last week that my wife's brother has been cheating. His wife's family saw him around town with a woman several times and confronted him. He denied, but his story kept changing and it was obvious he was lying.

His wife started digging into his story, talking to his friends, checking phone records and such, and it became clear that he was lying and cheating. He's doing the liar's thing where he admits only what he absolutely has to when new evidence comes to light. Today, he admitted to having a one-night stand once and also to seeing this current woman since April but not physically cheating with her. The way he's describing things doesn't pass the smell test, and he's on his 15th story in the last week, so I'm sure there's more to it.

His wife is devastated. They are in their late 20s, together for 12 years and married for about half that. They have a two-year-old son. She and the son are staying the night at her parents' house while she tries to sort out what she's going to do, but I don't see any way the marriage can be saved at this point. She took a hammer to most of her wedding photos while he was at work today.

I just don't know what to think at this point. For one thing, I know my brother-in-law. Or rather, I thought I did. He'd never given anything indication that the marriage was unhappy. He seems like a great guy, and I still love him as a family member. But what the holy **** was he thinking?

He's trying like hell to convince his wife that it'll all be okay, so obviously he wants to stay in the marriage. So what on earth could have convinced him that what he was getting out of cheating was worth what he's losing? He's looking at, at best, half-custody of the son he adores. He's going to be paying alimony and child support, and he won't be able to afford their house after that's leftover, so they'll have to sell it for a loss. Everything they've built together will be gone.

So there's only two choices that I can come up with. One is that he was so incredibly stupid as to think there was no chance he'd get caught, despite the fact that it's small town and you can't take a dump without the coffee house discussing it. I don't think he's that stupid.

The other is that he's just so incredibly selfish that he knew what this might do this wife and son, and he just didn't care. I have trouble understanding how anyone could be *that* selfish, let alone someone I've known and respected.

Someone give me a third option that helps me understand this, because I'm just floored right now.

To put numbers on it, I'm estimating they started dating when they were 16, got married at 22 and are now 28? That is a huge factor. I can't even begin to tell you how much a different person I became between age 16 and 28; if I had to put a percentage on the change it would be roughly 1 zillion. And there is a very natural "sow your oats" young phase that neither of them experienced. So, yes, the guy is a jackass for throwing away the family and damaging his relationship with his child. But both people committed early on to a relationship they might have been better off waiting on.

 

[JonnyD]

To put numbers on it, I'm estimating they started dating when they were 16, got married at 22 and are now 28? That is a huge factor. I can't even begin to tell you how much a different person I became between age 16 and 28; if I had to put a percentage on the change it would be roughly 1 zillion. And there is a very natural "sow your oats" young phase that neither of them experienced. So, yes, the guy is a jackass for throwing away the family and damaging his relationship with his child. But both people committed early on to a relationship they might have been better off waiting on.

I definitely agree with you on that point. I didn't think much of it at the time, but before they got married, there were times it seemed as if they were staying together despite a mediocre relationship just because they couldn't think of anything seriously wrong enough to break up over. But that was years ago, and I guess I just assumed that being married, having a kid and generally seeming happy meant they had worked through that. Apparently not, though.

 

[Dick Whitman]

Does anyone just, like, make out behind their spouse's back? Or grope? Seems like it's all the way or not at all in these situations.

 

[imjustagirl]

Does anyone just, like, make out behind their spouse's back? Or grope? Seems like it's all the way or not at all in these situations.

This is the greatest post ever. "Honey, I didn't stick it in! I just licked her earlobes! It's OK!"

 

[JC]

Does anyone just, like, make out behind their spouse's back? Or grope? Seems like it's all the way or not at all in these situations.

This is the greatest post ever. "Honey, I didn't stick it in! I just licked her earlobes! It's OK!"

It's not cheating if there's no penetration.