micropolitan guy
Well-Known Member
Sorry if you've read these before but they are hilarious and we all can use a laugh. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
* The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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* The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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* Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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* The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'
* The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
* The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
* Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
* The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'
