Awkward conversations with the parents, aka How do I scrub my eardrums clean?

[imjustagirl]

So my dad comes home from work early for my last day in town, and my mom has just gone to the store. I could try to explain all this, but really, I'm not sure I could do it justice. This is largely paraphrased, except for the really disturbing parts, which I'm pretty sure will never be able to be erased from my head.

Me: Your landlord, Neil, is not what I expected.
Dad: But he's rich.
Me: If he's willing to be a sugar daddy, I'd forget how disgusting he is.
Dad: I would too. But I asked and he doesn't like guys.
Me: Maybe you could ***** out mom.
Dad: Yeah, right. We were watching a special on Heidi Fleiss one time and your mom said "I could never have sex for money." I told her I made $40,000 a year and was getting laid twice a year. That's 20 grand a pop. For that, I could fly to Hollywood and get more bang for my buck.
Me: Um, gross?

*time passes, mom returns, mom and I are making cookies (not a euphemism), I tell my mom about the conversation about Neil*

*Dad sits in chair, pulling the chest of his sweater out*
Me: Stop giving yourself boobies.
*Dad pulls on crotch of his pants*
Mom: Now he's giving himself a penis.
*I start shivering*
Dad: No, Hermie's just fine.
Me: You named it Hermie?
Dad: Yeah. You've talked to Hermie on the phone and never even known it.
*Mom is laughing so hard she can't catch her breath*
Me: Christ.

*Continue the conversation about Hermie for about 10 more really uncomfortable minutes*








So how have everyone else's holiday trips home been?

 

[Mizzougrad96]

Your dad named his **** after the dentist kid from Rudolph?

 

[Ace]

Funny stuff, IJAG.

Don't forget to print this out and take it to your therapist.

I believe ****-talking to your daughter is a federal crime if the call was across state lines, FWIW.

 

[Mizzougrad96]

 

[Oggiedoggie]

You really should carry pepper spray.

 

[Mizzougrad96]

Funny stuff, IJAG.

Don't forget to print this out and take it to your therapist.

I believe ****-talking to your daughter is a federal crime if the call was across state lines, FWIW.

Actually, I think it's mandatory in the state where IJAG happens to be from. ;D

 

[imjustagirl]

Your dad named his **** after the dentist kid from Rudolph?

Dammit, I said "You named your penis after a seventh-rate NASCAR driver?"

 

[PeteyPirate]

These people are your real parents?

 

[imjustagirl]

By blood. At least my mom. I have doubts about my dad, but that would be casting aspersions on my mom.

 

[KYSportsWriter]

Funny stuff, IJAG.

Don't forget to print this out and take it to your therapist.

I believe ****-talking to your daughter is a federal crime if the call was across state lines, FWIW.

Actually, I think it's mandatory in the state where IJAG happens to be from. ;D

Oh, ha ha.

>.<
















:D

 

[Simon_Cowbell]

So my dad comes home from work early for my last day in town, and my mom has just gone to the store. I could try to explain all this, but really, I'm not sure I could do it justice. This is largely paraphrased, except for the really disturbing parts, which I'm pretty sure will never be able to be erased from my head.

Me: Your landlord, Neil, is not what I expected.
Dad: But he's rich.
Me: If he's willing to be a sugar daddy, I'd forget how disgusting he is.
Dad: I would too. But I asked and he doesn't like guys.
Me: Maybe you could ***** out mom.
Dad: Yeah, right. We were watching a special on Heidi Fleiss one time and your mom said "I could never have sex for money." I told her I made $40,000 a year and was getting laid twice a year. That's 20 grand a pop. For that, I could fly to Hollywood and get more bang for my buck.
Me: Um, gross?

*time passes, mom returns, mom and I are making cookies (not a euphemism), I tell my mom about the conversation about Neil*

*Dad sits in chair, pulling the chest of his sweater out*
Me: Stop giving yourself boobies.
*Dad pulls on crotch of his pants*
Mom: Now he's giving himself a penis.
*I start shivering*
Dad: No, Hermie's just fine.
Me: You named it Hermie?
Dad: Yeah. You've talked to Hermie on the phone and never even known it.
*Mom is laughing so hard she can't catch her breath*
Me: Christ.

*Continue the conversation about Hermie for about 10 more really uncomfortable minutes*








So how have everyone else's holiday trips home been?

Tremendous.

 

[mustangj17]

Wow your family is more screwed up than mine.

 

[andyouare?]

I’d be uncomfortable if my friend and his wife had that conversation with me in the room. Hell, I’d be uncomfortable if my wife and I had that conversation.

I can’t even imagine my parents talking that way.

My condolences. Send me your paypal account and I’ll donate money toward what I’m sure is your ongoing therapy.

 

[NoOneLikesUs]

IJAG,

Was there drinking involved before or during this conversation?

 

[slappy4428]

Is mom hot?

 

[doubledown68]

My dad and I have turned the upturned middle finger into a goofy greeting. We also imitate my Korean aunt when we talk to each other, as a joke. We add -ehhh to the end of every word.

As in, Dad-ehhh, what-ehhh are-eeeh you-ehhh doing-ehhh?

 

[nmmetsfan]

Would Hermie have any interest in three women I noticed on another thread?

 

[Ace]

Would Hermie have any interest in three women I noticed on another thread?

Not sure about Hermie. He seemed to have an oral fixation and an eye for Yukon Cornelius.

 

[slappy4428]

Would Hermie have any interest in three women I noticed on another thread?

Not sure about Hermie. He seemed to have an oral fixation and an eye for Yukon Cornelius.

Nice...

 

[BYH]

****ing outstanding.