46. James Carville
Charges: This unholy cross between Batboy and Terry Bradshaw has been vastly overrated as a political strategist based on the fact that he managed to win with the most charismatic Democratic candidate of the post-war era and a split conservative vote. In ‘06, Carville raged against his own obsolescence by blasting Howard Dean’s competence as Chairman of the DNC—immediately after Dean steered the party into majorities in both houses of congress as well as state legislatures and governors.
Exhibit A: Carville’s marriage to Republican uber-hag strategist Mary Matalin is the perfect symbol of the cynical two-party symbiosis, an open conspiracy which has robbed Americans of true democracy for decades. If he really gave a **** about politics, he would have strangled her years ago.
Sentence: Slow death by Polonium 210, administered by his wife.
45. Bob Woodward
Charges: The kind of jerk that’d steer a tour bus off a cliff, then charge every passenger 20 bucks to hear him scream, "We’re all going to die!" An unabashed chicken driven by deference to money and power; Woodward sits on stories of critical importance until they hatch into best-selling books. A mouthpiece of the status quo who sucks any way the wind blows. Practically choked on the biggest member of the administration in 2002’s hagiographic Bush at War, but when Bush’s poll numbers went irrevocably flaccid, he saw fit to drop the "classic Woodward bombshells" in State of Denial, although a number of the "bombshells" would have been more useful in 2004. A guy with such access to power that he’s become power.
Exhibit A: Says "rah-por-ting," like an autistic robot.
Sentence: Sent back in time to 1971 for what he thinks is a casual chat with Richard Nixon; ambushed and severely beaten by Woodward & Bernstein.
36. Nancy Pelosi
Charges: Well before breaking the metaphorically clunky marble ceiling on the House floor, this Botox Bolshevik was betraying her supposed San Francisco values by sweeping the prospect of a well-deserved impeachment "off the table" and preemptively castrating the investigations she simultaneously promised. Anyone who thinks this brittle fundraising machine with the safest seat this side of North Korea is going to implement any ethics reform beyond the paltriest possible cosmetic gesture needs to lay off the medicinal marijuana. Pelosi’s reign in the House will be better than Republican golem Denny Hastert’s in the same way that gonorrhea is better than syphilis.
Exhibit A: Hasn’t debated an opponent in twenty years. A true Democrat, Pelosi literally has no balls.
Sentence: Crushed by falling chunks of broken marble ceiling.
26. Ann Coulter
Charges: It was a run of the mill year for Ann: openly calling for the murder of a Supreme Court justice and the entire staff of the New York Times, accusing 9/11 widows of "enjoying their husband’s deaths" and Bill Clinton of being a rapist. Coulter’s neck gained an amazing 3 vertical inches in 2006; inside sources attribute this to a strict regimen of deep-throating Satan’s scaly ****. It’s projected that by 2010 Coulter will be able to plagiarize the Illinois Right to Life Committee website more deftly than she did in this year’s ode to mindless intolerance of tolerance, Godless, simply by snaking her grotesque head-ladder through the ventilation ducts of their office and skulking away with their webmaster’s hard drive clenched firmly in her masculine jaw. Ann’s slipping, though; she’s become an unconvincing fascist parody, increasingly betraying herself in televised interviews, blushing at her own brazen idiocy. She’s faking it, and so are her tits.
Exhibit A: "Hi, I’m Ann Coulter."
Sentence: Most "controversial" statements redacted from "Exhibit A," as they’re a naked ploy for attention–-and Adam’s apple removed with a backhoe.
3. George W. Bush
Charges: This spoiled, whiny pinhead is, regrettably, responsible for the nauseating fiasco he’s made of America and the world. Employs an effective strategy of creating so many deplorable scandals that it’s impossible for anyone to keep up, guaranteeing that most will slip by with little notice. Has managed to staff the entire federal regulatory system with obedient corporate drones intent on destroying it from within. More concerned with the fate of discarded embryos than the actual humans being shot at from both sides in an idiot war he conned us into. Is clearly annoyed to be president at this point. Dumber than Paris Hilton and almost as popular.
Exhibit A: "The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany."
Sentence: Trapped in a library with no picture books.
