Unsolicited Advice To Writers, Artists, Actors, Directors, Musicians, and Other People We Don't Know

[OscarMadison]

Dear John Grisham.

Nice guys finish fast. Skipping Christmas and Playing For Pizza are ridiculously good. In fact, I laughed out loud more than once when I read Skipping Christmas. The only other Southern writers who have accomplished such a thing are Molly Ivins, Rita Mae Brown, and Florence King.

The problem is you want the gravitas of the courtroom and you think making a latter day Sistine Chapel with a collage of shredded Nutshell books, Faulkner outtakes, and a tissue that was once soaked by Truman Capote's teas will do it for you,

No. Just...no.

Please keep writing shiny little literary baubles of books that delight your moody, sullen readers. We need the giggles, lawman.

Sincerely,
Oscar

PS. I did not laugh once at Christmas With The Kranks. Not one time. The book was so much better.

 

[OscarMadison]

Dear Jon Krackauer,

You're like Lucy Van Pelt with the darned football and I am Charlie Brown. I keep picking up your books in hope that you will stick to the subject from start to finish. I ought to know by now that you will stop at some point one half to two-thirds of the way in and insert hundreds of pages about that one time when someone slammed your **** with a locker door and then you had to suit up and go play kickball. Oh, and your brother was sad about it or something and then you went off to college to be a writer.

You do this every time. Every blessed book.

Why?

Are you bored?

Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop. Just tell the story.

Bless your heart,
Oscar

 

[Slacker]

Dear John Grisham:

Outside the legal arena, "A Painted House"
was ****in' awesome. And so was "Bleachers."

p.s. Them lawyer books was awesome, too. Thanks again.

 

[justgladtobehere]

All serial writers,

Maybe the plan to write a novel every year doesn't lead to great art.

 

[DanOregon]

Dear OscarMadison,

I love this thread idea,

Sincerely,

DanOregon

 

[Inky_Wretch]

Nice guys finish fast.

Dear OscarMadison,

Phrasing!

Sincerely,
Inky_Wretch

 

[Shropshire Slasher]

The Brits I was hanging out with in 1992 or so were raving about Grisham and The Firm. All I got.

 

[micropolitan guy]

Dear John Sandford,

That ****ing Flowers, right?

 

[User 149557]

Dear Robert Caro,

Just publish the damn thing. Whatever you got. You’re gonna die soon.

Sincerely,

Hermes

 

[qtlaw]

Dear George Martin,

PLEASE finish your last book! We need it, GoT was so spectacular.

 

[2muchcoffeeman]

Dear George Martin,

PLEASE finish your last book! We need it, GoT was so spectacular.

Dear qtlaw: You think it's only gonna take him one book to finish that mess up?

 

[Killick]

Dear John Sandford,

That ****ing Flowers, right?

Watch it, or Letty’ll kick your ass.

 

[Slacker]

Dear John Sandford,

That ****ing Flowers, right?

Dear John Sandford:

Still can't believe ya killed off Marcy. ... JFC!

 

[I Should Coco]

This one's for Michael Franti, quasi-hippie musician and longtime live concert attraction for Mrs. Coco and I:

Not a good look when (allegedly) you take a young female singer under your wing, promote her career with an opening slot on your tour ... but of course, with strings attached.

https://www.sfgate.com/sf-culture/article/bay-area-rock-star-grooming-allegations-20823078.php

My wife was royally disappointed and pissed off about this. I guess my reaction was, "rock stars gonna rock star."

 

[Here me roar]

This one's for Michael Franti, quasi-hippie musician and longtime live concert attraction for Mrs. Coco and I:

Not a good look when (allegedly) you take a young female singer under your wing, promote her career with an opening slot on your tour ... but of course, with strings attached.

https://www.sfgate.com/sf-culture/article/bay-area-rock-star-grooming-allegations-20823078.php

My wife was royally disappointed and pissed off about this. I guess my reaction was, "rock stars gonna rock star.

This kills me

"He also acknowledged that there was a “power imbalance” in the relationship but denied that it was a nonconsensual relationship, saying he will “vehemently dispute any version of the story that says otherwise.” "

It's 2025. When there is a power imbalance, people, especially younger ones, feel coerced to do something they wouldn't otherwise do. That's textbook harassment.

 

[dixiehack]

Dear Hayley Williams:

I’m sorry, I was not familiar with your game. I’ve been semi-obsessed with True Believer for a week or two now and last night I started checking out the rest of your 17-song non-album that dropped last month.

Your genre is not in my wheelhouse but there have been a couple of other songs I want to go back and listen to more closely. My advice would be to release fewer things so the lyrics are more consistently excellent. But you have this way more figured out than I do so probably don’t listen to me.

 

[TigerVols]

Her version of Burning Down The House is fantastic

 

[dixiehack]

Her version of Burning Down The House is fantastic

The one I referenced above manages to slash “new” Nashville and American Evangelicalism to ribbons simultaneously. I keep meaning to carve out time for a longer post on the religion thread.