Trauma comes calling

[Here me roar]

In a totally random crime, a very nice older women who lives with the street from me was randomly attacked and murdered while walking her dog this afternoon.

 

[OscarMadison]

I'm so sorry. Possibly a stupid question, is it making you feel less safe?

 

[Here me roar]

I'm so sorry. Possibly a stupid question, is it making you feel less safe?

Not really. I know his truly random crime is not typical. However, my kids going to be home by herself in a couple of weeks while we travel and I'm sure it'll make her feel less safe.

 

[qtlaw]

That sucks....sorry to hear this

 

[WriteThinking]

I have wondered, has anyone (else) here ever been the victim of a random, or maybe, a not-so-random violent crime? If so, how did you find it impacted, or still impacts, you, your life, or your outlook? If you're willing to discuss it at all...

I was involved in such an instance -- a knife attack -- while at work nearly three years ago, and the experience certainly has stayed with me since then. I was injured, and may have only been saved by the presence of another, fellow Walmart associate, who suffered life-threatening injuries but also survived.

I was able to return to work, and did so, not long afterward. My friend and colleague never did, and still suffers from active post-trauma issues, both physically and psychologically.

I recovered well, I think, but even so, the attack still comes to mind, nearly every day (probably because I'm back at work). I have sometimes wanted to share a bit, but had to wait for the resolution of the court case. With that now over -- it was a big case that also involved the murder of a high school student as the perpetrator went on an hours-long, county-spanning rampage that started with my co-worker and I -- yes, life has gone on. But I find I tend to be hyper-aware and alert around others, and I now carry pepper-spray when I never had before.

Such events tend to change you, sometimes in obvious ways, and sometimes, more subtly. Both have occurred in my case.

 

[dixiehack]

Jesus. What an awful thing to even be adjacent to.

Don’t sleep on the idea of a counseling session, even if you feel “fine.”

 

[Here me roar]

Jesus. What an awful thing to even be adjacent to.

Don’t sleep on the idea of a counseling session, even if you feel “fine.”

Thanks. It was a weird night. I fell asleep but woke up around 4:00 and couldn't let go again. It's a weird day. Everyone's jittery even though the guy was immediately apprehended. There's been cops in and out of the neighborhood all day. Media have been knocking on people's doors but most people haven't talked to them.

I've learned a few more details and none of it makes it any better. In fact, it probably makes it worse.

 

[OscarMadison]

What @dixiehack said. There is not really an expiration date on PTSD.

 

[OscarMadison]

Coming back to this. To @WriteThinking and @HereMeRoar, talk to people and make sure it's the right people. When you find the right therapist or counselor, you'll know. Hoping for the best for both of you.

PTSD (what the kids call post traumatic stress disorder) is often associated with people who see combat and sometimes first responders and the people they care for after disasters or episodes of violent crime. We often quote "Copperhead Road" on this board. There's one line that rings very true from the third verse: "Woke up screaming like I'm still there." This is a real thing. People I grew up with saw parents come home who just weren't the same. Sometimes they would suddenly go catatonic, or they had scary mood swings, and some had night terrors. That's another discussion for another day, I think.

Physical proximity to trauma, adjacency by association to a place or people, instances of emotional cruelty, nonviolent loss such as being fired or suffering a financial reversal of fortune can trigger trauma responses. Sometimes we are tempted to rationalize not getting help because we ended up not getting seriously physically hurt or we think "it's just feelings" or we depend on the home brew fixes offered on social media.

What does this kind of trauma response look like? One analogy that comes to mind is the sudden change in CNN right after 911. They might move along with their regular news cycles and then all of a sudden there would be footage of the WTC falling or the blown-out walls of the Pentagon. We kept revisiting it as if we felt wrong to give energy to normal life. Traumatized people sometimes find when they either go back into normal patterns or if they have a Zen moment, something in them says, "Wait a minute. I'm not supposed to feel this way." Then the bad moment replays. Their fight or flight switch gets stuck or arbitrarily flips on. It could be a memory. It could be a triggering stimulus. It could be nothing at all.

What it's not is crazy.

This is your beautiful, complex brain trying to keep you safe in a world that is anything but natural or what we're made to handle.

 

[WriteThinking]

Coming back to this. To @WriteThinking and @HereMeRoar, talk to people and make sure it's the right people. When you find the right therapist or counselor, you'll know. Hoping for the best for both of you.

PTSD (what the kids call post traumatic stress disorder) is often associated with people who see combat and sometimes first responders and the people they care for after disasters or episodes of violent crime. We often quote "Copperhead Road" on this board. There's one line that rings very true from the third verse: "Woke up screaming like I'm still there." This is a real thing. People I grew up with saw parents come home who just weren't the same. Sometimes they would suddenly go catatonic, or they had scary mood swings, and some had night terrors. That's another discussion for another day, I think.

Physical proximity to trauma, adjacency by association to a place or people, instances of emotional cruelty, nonviolent loss such as being fired or suffering a financial reversal of fortune can trigger trauma responses. Sometimes we are tempted to rationalize not getting help because we ended up not getting seriously physically hurt or we think "it's just feelings" or we depend on the home brew fixes offered on social media.

What does this kind of trauma response look like? One analogy that comes to mind is the sudden change in CNN right after 911. They might move along with their regular news cycles and then all of a sudden there would be footage of the WTC falling or the blown-out walls of the Pentagon. We kept revisiting it as if we felt wrong to give energy to normal life. Traumatized people sometimes find when they either go back into normal patterns or if they have a Zen moment, something in them says, "Wait a minute. I'm not supposed to feel this way." Then the bad moment replays. Their fight or flight switch gets stuck or arbitrarily flips on. It could be a memory. It could be a triggering stimulus. It could be nothing at all.

What it's not is crazy.

This is your beautiful, complex brain trying to keep you safe in a world that is anything but natural or what we're made to handle.

This is a good post, and very true, I've found. I know I've had some interesting responses. I want to say more, but can't take the time right now. Will do so later today/tonight.

 

[WriteThinking]

I wanted to speak to OscarMadison's and Hear me roar's posts because they each made good, salient points that I have found to be true, and worth keeping in mind, just for my own good. And usually, I have been able to do so.

Oscar mentioned how the brain tries to protect and preserve us, and I believe that, particularly concerning post-trauma fears and responses. That's why my hyper-alert status kicks in, especially in certain situations/circumstances. The problem, though, can be in getting the brain to turn off, at least enough to allow for calm. realistic thought processes that allow for healthy recovery and reactions in the future.

After the attack I endured, I myself only had a few nights of sleeplessness, or sudden wakefulness that could be attributed solely or directly to those events. My colleague, however, was still suffering from frequent nightmares, sudden fears, and/or a reluctance to leave the house, either by himself, or even, at all, for more than two years afterward.

My own experience was signified more subtly, I think, through newfound watchfulness, and some quieter, less noticeable things that most other people wouldn't even realize. Indeed, they never did. But I couldn't help but notice them.

To wit: There was a period of about a year or so at work during which I held a position that necessitated roaming all over my store, pretty much unsupervised, as a floater who was verifying prices, and correcting paper and digital labeling in an effort to fix problem areas for such concerns and eliminate possible store citations and fines from local and state Weights and Measures officials, who check randomly and intermittently during periodic unannounced store inspections for pricing accuracy and weighing/measuring equipment compliance issues.

After the attack, I found that, during the course of my duties, I was spending an inordinate amount of time in the Sporting Goods department, not because it was particularly worse than other areas of the store with regard to compliance issues, but because that's where the gun and knife cases are located. I found myself looking hard at the knives, thinking about the attack, and the perpetrator, and trying to see whether I recognized the huge knife that had been used -- which I'd told police at the time I guessed was at least 12 to 14 inches long, with a broad, kind of rounded end/edge that was more like a small machete. I'd thought the assailant might have purchased the knife in our store, and I spent a lot of time, quietly, by myself, trying to pick it out. (And I think I did, too, if he, in fact, did buy it there). No one was ever with me, but this occurred quite frequently, as I ruminated about the knife, and what had happened.

That COULD happen just because I'd gotten, well, an up-close-and-personal look at the knife, and couldn't help but be fixated on it as I looked up at it, inches from my face, after I'd been pushed down onto the floor of a cash-register well in the Garden Center, as the suspect straddled me and held the thing over my head. I was well and truly trapped, down in the cramped well, with nothing much I could've done to help myself. I remember thinking, very clearly and distinctly as my senses sharpened, and my world view narrowed to just me, and him, that "My god, this is how I'm going to die!" And the thought occurred just like that, very matter-of-fact, with good English, and everything...

I remember wondering, again very clearly and distinctly, "Should I protect my face? Should I protect my heart?"...You really don't necessarily know, in that very moment, exactly what to do. And WHETHER you even CAN do it is a whole other issue.

I absolutely must give credit where it is due here. That's when my co-worker, while he did not intervene directly at that moment, he DID approach us, thinking to try to help, and thus, distracting and drawing the attacker away from me. But that turned all the wrath on him, with life-threatening repercussions.

There was more that occurred, both immediately before, and after, my personal close-up encounter. That goes for both me and my co-worker, as well as many others who were otherwise involved in what turned into a three-city crime spree that day. But suffice to say that all of what occurred with me and my fellow associate occurred in a span of about 10 minutes, and was initiated without either any warning or prior indication that there would be a problem.

In fact, the attacker had appeared to be just wandering/browsing around our area when I noticed him, and then, off-handedly offered some customer service. "Do you need help finding anything?," I asked. That was all.

But it's funny, that's when my senses FIRST sharpened, as if in warning. But I didn't quite realize it right then, and was still just wanting to provide customer courtesy. Anyway, the guy turned and began walking, wordlessly, expressionlessly, toward us, in what I suddenly felt, but I recognized too late, was trouble. It wasn't overt, just vague, as he wasn't aggressive, exactly, but just...weird -- unresponsive, except to stare, while he walked straight toward me, again, without a word, in what I described to police later as kind of an in-your-face, in-your-space kind of way.

Then, at the last second, he diverted away from me, to my nearby colleague, and stood, just looking at him for a moment, before making a big wad, and spitting, directly in my co-worker's face, from inches away. That got me moving, and I went to the one register in the area that had an intra-store phone/intercom.

That's when the perpetrator came back to me, trying stop me from calling for help, and pushing me down into the register well.

And that's when our nightmare, and the nightmares of many other people that day, really began.

It was totally unexpected, unexplained, and random. Which brings me to Hear me roar's point about how she doesn't necessarily feel more unsafe after the events she referenced. I think I realized early on, and I was able to latch on to the thought, and to believe, that such terrible things DON'T happen to a person all the time. They won't happen to you every time, and hopefully, they won't happen any time, that you leave the house, or go to a store, or go to work, etc. That is so true, and something that must be kept top of mind after incidents like the one she experienced, or like the one that I went through.

While my experience did change me -- there's no doubt about that -- even beyond the long-time fixation on my store's locked-up knife case, or my newfound watchfulness and sensitivity, and now-taken safety precautions, and the residual fears and discomfort I will probably always have whenever I see anyone with a knife -- even in its holster -- on their belt or tucked into their waistline.

But truly understanding and internalizing that something bad is not always going to happen, just because it once did, goes a long way toward helping someone to get back to more normal thinking, and living.

That, and the ability to address whatever occurred, in whatever way works, can make all the difference. I underwent some counseling for a while, but frankly, I think I was actually helped a lot more by being able to give a victim-impact statement in court, and I believe I've lived out the previously unknown (to me) value of that gift.

There are so many people and so many things for which I will be forever grateful regarding this experience. Really, I know now, more than ever, that I'm fortunate to be alive, and I really do try to appreciate that fact every day.

 

[Here me roar]

Damn. That's a lot. I'm trauma adjacent in this one.

 

[UNCGrad]

You are incredibly strong, @WriteThinking.

 

[WriteThinking]

You are incredibly strong, @WriteThinking.

Thank you, really. I appreciate everybody's, and anybody's, interest and care. That's something else I've learned: You don't get to experience or benefit from any of that, unless you share. And I've found it usually ends up helping, both you, and hopefully, maybe, others, too.

There's so much that went into this case, which took more than two years to resolve. Throughout, I've had positive contacts and experiences with so many, including police and sheriff's representatives, who went out of their way to just be there, present and protective, in the courtroom, whenever there were court dates, even more than two years out; county victim advocates who remained in touch from the beginning, and helped us with much hand-holding through all the court-related steps. There has been so much courage shown, by my associate who suffered multiple stab wounds and might've bled out if not for two OTHER store associates who came to our aid and used a belt one of them was wearing as a tourniquet on a gushing femoral artery; by multiple other victims -- mostly high school students -- who were badly injured when, after running out of our store, our attacker drove off, and later threatened his own family, in another city, and then drove off again, to his high school alma mater in yet another city, where he intentionally drove through a bus stop, killing a 15-year-old and seriously injuring several other students as they waited for a bus after school. The assailant's car finally overturned on the sidewalk, trapping him, and finally, stopping him. And police were able to connect the dots of the events thanks to a largely unsung hero customer in our store, who had run to follow the suspect out after the attack on us, and VERY smartly and fortuitously took note of the license plate of the car involved, and reported it to both our store management, and the police, when they arrived on scene.

The mother and siblings of the murdered student have faced their family's loss and grief with grace, righteous anger, and action throughout, and is now trying to get passed a bill in her son's name that would close a legal, age-related loophole that was still in play for the then-24-year-old suspect at the time the case began. I hope it happens.

So much occurred that day -- even more than I've posted here -- and so many lives were impacted. That's just the nature of these kind of events.

 

[OscarMadison]

There's a saying that gets bandied about in my corner of Hundred Acre Wood: God didn't bring you this far to drop the plot now. Part of the story might be you find your own tools that work best for you outside of the usual interventions. I feel confident that both of you are smart and strong and you also understand your limits -or you may be seeing they are actually far beyond what you might have thought they were.



(I'm sure there's scripture that speaks to this, but I'm trying to wean myself off the idea of active and direct ministry, so I'm not going to look it up.)

 

[Here me roar]

Neighborhood had a candlelight vigil tonight. It was nice.