The absolute worst small talk EVER

[Bubbler]

Dear Bizarro World Penthouse Forum,

I was at the pharmacy, minding my own business, frustrated with the inefficiency of health care, when I saw the man of my dreams in line with me. He was carrying a box of KY Yours And Mine, which really piqued my interest, even if I gave off the impression I was disgusted by it like everyone else in line. Yet, I couldn't keep my eyes off that box and the wonders it might contain for me and this mysterious man of my dreams.

This just wasn't me. I'm a sheltered, introverted man who really only gets crazy when You Can Still Rock In America comes on the radio. That goes for my sex too. Strictly hetero, straight-laced, and if I'm being honest, usually for very short bursts of passion ... think like eight seconds. I was so confused! Why was I being tempted by the fruit of a stranger at Walgreens?

Then my confusion was interrupted by an atom bomb delivered straight from his lips.

"You ever try this?" he says and points to it.

I was so shocked by his brazen outward gesture and also by his svengali-like detection of my arousal. If I were a woman, I'd have been wetter than Meredith Baxter-Birney in a roomful of schoolgirls.

I was frozen in ecstasy and couldn't muster a response, my dumbfoundedness giving him a chance to make an even more brazen move. He took me by the hand and we sprinted out of that Walgreens. As we did, I heard Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now come over the speakers, how apropos! ...

... three months later, I haven't looked back, my new beau has widened my horizons beyond my wildest imagination ... and dreams. The most important thing is that he's cured me of my eight-second affliction. Who knew that when I had that chance meeting with Jack (I call him "Blades", for reasons beyond the Night Ranger connection that can filed under "Don't kiss and tell" ;) ;) ), at the pharmacy, that my life would be changed forever!

Loved and lubed for more than eight seconds at a time,
BYH

:D :D :D

 

[fishhack2009]

If you'd hung around, this sounds like a type who might discuss the back door and **** in a box!

Awww, what's in the boxxxx?? :D

 

[The Big Ragu]

I have a similar yet unrelated gripe. I don't know when they started doing it, but a local pharmacy now locks up the items in its family planning aisle like it's the video game cabinet at Wal-Mart.
As if going to buy condoms wasn't awkward enough, now you have to ask the clerk to unlock the damn case for you.

The town I grew up in, you could get condoms for free at the courthouse, no questions asked. They had a little bowl of them, like candy, at the main desk. I'm not sure who supplied them but we sure as hell took advantage

The genesis of this is college -- 20+ years ago. I will NEVER use a free condom that has been sitting left out. There was a free magazine for college kids they used to distribute at the student unions, and every once in a while one of the condom companies would insert a free condom. I know a guy who would go through the whole rack of magazines and poke holes in the condoms with a pin, through the wrapper. His reasoning was that anyone who uses a condom they pick up for free in a public place deserves what he is doing to them.

I don't agree and wonder why this was his pet issue. But since then when I hear the words "free condoms," I think of that.

 

[mustangj17]

I have a similar yet unrelated gripe. I don't know when they started doing it, but a local pharmacy now locks up the items in its family planning aisle like it's the video game cabinet at Wal-Mart.
As if going to buy condoms wasn't awkward enough, now you have to ask the clerk to unlock the damn case for you.

The town I grew up in, you could get condoms for free at the courthouse, no questions asked. They had a little bowl of them, like candy, at the main desk. I'm not sure who supplied them but we sure as hell took advantage

The genesis of this is college -- 20+ years ago. I will NEVER use a free condom that has been sitting left out. There was a free magazine for college kids they used to distribute at the student unions, and every once in a while one of the condom companies would insert a free condom. I know a guy who would go through the whole rack of magazines and poke holes in the condoms with a pin, through the wrapper. His reasoning was that anyone who uses a condom they pick up for free in a public place deserves what he is doing to them.

I don't agree and wonder why this was his pet issue. But since then when I hear the words "free condoms," I think of that.

Your friend is a terrible, terrible, person.

 

[21]

Now THAT would make for interesting paper towels.

 

[Ace]

I have a similar yet unrelated gripe. I don't know when they started doing it, but a local pharmacy now locks up the items in its family planning aisle like it's the video game cabinet at Wal-Mart.
As if going to buy condoms wasn't awkward enough, now you have to ask the clerk to unlock the damn case for you.

The town I grew up in, you could get condoms for free at the courthouse, no questions asked. They had a little bowl of them, like candy, at the main desk. I'm not sure who supplied them but we sure as hell took advantage

The genesis of this is college -- 20+ years ago. I will NEVER use a free condom that has been sitting left out. There was a free magazine for college kids they used to distribute at the student unions, and every once in a while one of the condom companies would insert a free condom. I know a guy who would go through the whole rack of magazines and poke holes in the condoms with a pin, through the wrapper. His reasoning was that anyone who uses a condom they pick up for free in a public place deserves what he is doing to them.

I don't agree and wonder why this was his pet issue. But since then when I hear the words "free condoms," I think of that.

Your friend is a terrible, terrible, person.

And an asshole with daddy issues.

 

[BYH]

Dear Bizarro World Penthouse Forum,

I was at the pharmacy, minding my own business, frustrated with the inefficiency of health care, when I saw the man of my dreams in line with me. He was carrying a box of KY Yours And Mine, which really piqued my interest, even if I gave off the impression I was disgusted by it like everyone else in line. Yet, I couldn't keep my eyes off that box and the wonders it might contain for me and this mysterious man of my dreams.

This just wasn't me. I'm a sheltered, introverted man who really only gets crazy when You Can Still Rock In America comes on the radio. That goes for my sex too. Strictly hetero, straight-laced, and if I'm being honest, usually for very short bursts of passion ... think like eight seconds. I was so confused! Why was I being tempted by the fruit of a stranger at Walgreens?

Then my confusion was interrupted by an atom bomb delivered straight from his lips.

"You ever try this?" he says and points to it.

I was so shocked by his brazen outward gesture and also by his svengali-like detection of my arousal. If I were a woman, I'd have been wetter than Meredith Baxter-Birney in a roomful of schoolgirls.

I was frozen in ecstasy and couldn't muster a response, my dumbfoundedness giving him a chance to make an even more brazen move. He took me by the hand and we sprinted out of that Walgreens. As we did, I heard Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now come over the speakers, how apropos! ...

... three months later, I haven't looked back, my new beau has widened my horizons beyond my wildest imagination ... and dreams. The most important thing is that he's cured me of my eight-second affliction. Who knew that when I had that chance meeting with Jack (I call him "Blades", for reasons beyond the Night Ranger connection that can filed under "Don't kiss and tell" ;) ;) ), at the pharmacy, that might life would be changed forever!

Loved and lubed for more than eight seconds at a time,
BYH

:D :D :D

Just awesome. :D

 

[Huggy]

Dear Bizarro World Penthouse Forum,

I was at the pharmacy, minding my own business, frustrated with the inefficiency of health care, when I saw the man of my dreams in line with me. He was carrying a box of KY Yours And Mine, which really piqued my interest, even if I gave off the impression I was disgusted by it like everyone else in line. Yet, I couldn't keep my eyes off that box and the wonders it might contain for me and this mysterious man of my dreams.

This just wasn't me. I'm a sheltered, introverted man who really only gets crazy when You Can Still Rock In America comes on the radio. That goes for my sex too. Strictly hetero, straight-laced, and if I'm being honest, usually for very short bursts of passion ... think like eight seconds. I was so confused! Why was I being tempted by the fruit of a stranger at Walgreens?

Then my confusion was interrupted by an atom bomb delivered straight from his lips.

"You ever try this?" he says and points to it.

I was so shocked by his brazen outward gesture and also by his svengali-like detection of my arousal. If I were a woman, I'd have been wetter than Meredith Baxter-Birney in a roomful of schoolgirls.

I was frozen in ecstasy and couldn't muster a response, my dumbfoundedness giving him a chance to make an even more brazen move. He took me by the hand and we sprinted out of that Walgreens. As we did, I heard Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now come over the speakers, how apropos! ...

... three months later, I haven't looked back, my new beau has widened my horizons beyond my wildest imagination ... and dreams. The most important thing is that he's cured me of my eight-second affliction. Who knew that when I had that chance meeting with Jack (I call him "Blades", for reasons beyond the Night Ranger connection that can filed under "Don't kiss and tell" ;) ;) ), at the pharmacy, that might life would be changed forever!

Loved and lubed for more than eight seconds at a time,
BYH

:D :D :D

Just awesome. :D

Indeed. Although it should have started, "I always thought your letters were fake until this happened to me...."

 

[dooley_womack1]

No. No. No. You forgot the second sentence: "I was at a pharmacy near a major state university in the Midwest, minding my own business...."

 

[outofplace]

Dear Bizarro World Penthouse Forum,

I was at the pharmacy, minding my own business, frustrated with the inefficiency of health care, when I saw the man of my dreams in line with me. He was carrying a box of KY Yours And Mine, which really piqued my interest, even if I gave off the impression I was disgusted by it like everyone else in line. Yet, I couldn't keep my eyes off that box and the wonders it might contain for me and this mysterious man of my dreams.

This just wasn't me. I'm a sheltered, introverted man who really only gets crazy when You Can Still Rock In America comes on the radio. That goes for my sex too. Strictly hetero, straight-laced, and if I'm being honest, usually for very short bursts of passion ... think like eight seconds. I was so confused! Why was I being tempted by the fruit of a stranger at Walgreens?

Then my confusion was interrupted by an atom bomb delivered straight from his lips.

"You ever try this?" he says and points to it.

I was so shocked by his brazen outward gesture and also by his svengali-like detection of my arousal. If I were a woman, I'd have been wetter than Meredith Baxter-Birney in a roomful of schoolgirls.

I was frozen in ecstasy and couldn't muster a response, my dumbfoundedness giving him a chance to make an even more brazen move. He took me by the hand and we sprinted out of that Walgreens. As we did, I heard Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now come over the speakers, how apropos! ...

... three months later, I haven't looked back, my new beau has widened my horizons beyond my wildest imagination ... and dreams. The most important thing is that he's cured me of my eight-second affliction. Who knew that when I had that chance meeting with Jack (I call him "Blades", for reasons beyond the Night Ranger connection that can filed under "Don't kiss and tell" ;) ;) ), at the pharmacy, that might life would be changed forever!

Loved and lubed for more than eight seconds at a time,
BYH

:D :D :D

Just awesome. :D

...and disturbing at the same time. :)

 

[Moderator1]

The problem with free condoms is most often the quality. They're free for a reason - if you're too poor to buy decent condoms, find a rich girlfriend or hold off until you have some cash. Otherwise you'll surely suffer from SCS (shredded condom syndrome) and it can be very painful.
Like good shoes, condoms should not be purchased lightly.

That's your Moddy advice for the day, youngsters. Take it to heart. I care about you.

 

[BYH]

The problem with free condoms is most often the quality. They're free for a reason - if you're too poor to buy decent condoms, find a rich girlfriend or hold off until you have some cash. Otherwise you'll surely suffer from SCS (shredded condom syndrome) and it can be very painful.
Like good shoes, condoms should not be purchased lightly.

That's your Moddy advice for the day, youngsters. Take it to heart. I care about you.

Figured this thread couldn't get any more disturbing than my initial post. I was wrong. I'm going to scrub my skull now.

 

[Ace]

The problem with free condoms is most often the quality. They're free for a reason - if you're too poor to buy decent condoms, find a rich girlfriend or hold off until you have some cash. Otherwise you'll surely suffer from SCS (shredded condom syndrome) and it can be very painful.
Like good shoes, condoms should not be purchased lightly.

That's your Moddy advice for the day, youngsters. Take it to heart. I care about you.

Moddy,

I think your problem was carrying the condom around in your wallet for six years before needing it.

 

[dreunc1542]

The problem with free condoms is most often the quality. They're free for a reason - if you're too poor to buy decent condoms, find a rich girlfriend or hold off until you have some cash. Otherwise you'll surely suffer from SCS (shredded condom syndrome) and it can be very painful.
Like good shoes, condoms should not be purchased lightly.

That's your Moddy advice for the day, youngsters. Take it to heart. I care about you.

I'll make sure to take this advice to heart.

Oh, wait...(Hi IJAG and buckdub!)

 

[imjustagirl]

The problem with free condoms is most often the quality. They're free for a reason - if you're too poor to buy decent condoms, find a rich girlfriend or hold off until you have some cash. Otherwise you'll surely suffer from SCS (shredded condom syndrome) and it can be very painful.
Like good shoes, condoms should not be purchased lightly.

That's your Moddy advice for the day, youngsters. Take it to heart. I care about you.

I'll make sure to take this advice to heart.

Oh, wait...(Hi IJAG and buckdub!)

You should have quite a savings by now.

 

[dooley_womack1]

Beej, it could have been worse; he could have asked about the Trojan personal massager. BTW, that'd be a great thread to start. I ain't gonna; just sayin'

 

[Huggy]

No. No. No. You forgot the second sentence: "I was at a pharmacy near a major state university in the Midwest, minding my own business...."

True dat.

 

[mustangj17]

The problem with free condoms is most often the quality. They're free for a reason - if you're too poor to buy decent condoms, find a rich girlfriend or hold off until you have some cash. Otherwise you'll surely suffer from SCS (shredded condom syndrome) and it can be very painful.
Like good shoes, condoms should not be purchased lightly.

That's your Moddy advice for the day, youngsters. Take it to heart. I care about you.

Moddy,

I think your problem was carrying the condom around in your wallet for six years before needing it.

Thanks Moddy, the board youngsters care about you too! Even if you tried to use a 6-year-old condom! :D ;D

 

[BYH]

Beej, it could have been worse; he could have asked about the Trojan personal massager. BTW, that'd be a great thread to start. I ain't gonna; just sayin'

Good Tebow, this gets worse by the post.

Next up: Our favorite female posters on ******.

 

[Moderator1]

As a living product of a broken rubber (true story), it is a subject I know all too well.
It was advice from my folks: Buy quality rubbers. Hell, we ended up with you.

There's an Indian name joke in there I will tell sometime.