Pickup lines that never, ever work

[lono]

Hey Cadet, wanna have coffee?

And by coffee, I mean sex.

How's that for a first move? ;D

Uh, speaking of rejection...  ;)

Uh oh, no play for Mr. Gray! [/clyde][/hernandez]

 

[ThomsonONE]

Not really a pickup line, but...

Woman asks me to talk dirty during the act. Start off with some corny bull**** 'til she says get nasty with it. My response?

"How 'bout I punch you in the face and **** you in the ass."

She didn't let me punch her in the face. 8)

Is Overrated Boots alias?

 

[Cosmo]

Can't blame a man for trying. ;D

 

[JR]

Don't think this would work, as impressive as it was as a message-board post:

CW1975,

Your arguments are dangerous because they are eloquent but manipulative. Randy Harvey's ascension to the LA Times SE job

You say newspapers must begin a grassroots effort in the middle schools of black America to develop minority talent for the future. I mean, that's a nice consideration, but the problems gnawing at black America are larger than whether enough of them are becoming journalists. We can take every statistic about newspaper staffing and turn the percentages on its head - when we talk about crime. That's a serious problem.

Now, why is that? The answer is a complex one, and it involves more than just pointing a finger in the vague direction of the great  beast called subconscious racism, where the prophecies of one race are fulfilled without any participation of the person living those lives. The great sins committed at the outset of American settlement can never be fully erased, we know this. There will never be a generation of black Americans, no matter how far removed from it, who won't know the tragic mistreatment suffered through the centuries until the end of Jim Crow. And yet it is no longer the responsibility of white America to pay a guilt tax for these egregious errors; unlike man's inheritance to Adam, whose fall put a pox on man for history with only singular redemption (or so I believe), the modern generation of white America does not inherit the slavery, or abuse, or the kind of blatant discrimination of their ancestors. It simply doesn't. It's not white Americans job to look out for black Americans anymore than any other race, nor is there a penance white America still needs to pay. The responsibility, on a very high level, is merely (and hugely at the same time) to each other, without respect to any identifying physical charateristics. You think whites are hard on blacks? Well everybody's hard on the mentally depressed. And there's not much written by or for those people.

Is that making the answer bigger than the question? Maybe, but I think the eloquence and seeming persuasiveness of your arguments has to be put in the right context. I mean, consider:

On one hand you insist institutional racism and cronyism.

But on the second, you suggest the racists and cronies be responsible for diversifying the newsroom.

If you sincerely believe that journalism has turned a blind eye to the cause of minorities, your assertion that it restore vision to its own cataract  would be a semi-miracle. If it's subconscious and all, then why the admonishment to build grassroots organizations, etc. At the end of the day, can't you build all the pipelines you want and still have them fail because, in that interview room, the white editor just isn't feeling that kinship? How are you going to change that dynamic? Have white people read "Blacks For Dummies?" Your assertion all along is not that they weren't minorities worth hiring, but that white people weren't hiring them. Are newspapers going into the middle schools so they know what minorities and girls look like, or what?

Such is the futility of this strategy for solving racism. Malcom X had a audacious strategy of isolationism and community-building that promoted the kind of strict black unity that forced white America to deal with black America as a successful, formidable minority group. Bill Cosby travels the country telling black parents, more or less, to assimilate better, to make their kids speak proper English, go to school and quit being distracted by the hip-hop culture. I'm not saying I agree with either, but they are (were) viable strategies for black America in its relationship with white America. But this strategy where minorities insist the white mean lends some of the cool of his ice while secretly charging he hoards all the ice for himself is a wormhole - it merely folds in on itself.

If you need any more evidence, consider the last time white America was given the paternal role of taking care of a minority: Indian Reservations. Those worked out real well. 

Wow. Another Alma post that is barely, just barely, comprehensible.

 

[Chi City 81]

Don't think this would work, as impressive as it was as a message-board post:

CW1975,

Your arguments are dangerous because they are eloquent but manipulative. Randy Harvey's ascension to the LA Times SE job

You say newspapers must begin a grassroots effort in the middle schools of black America to develop minority talent for the future. I mean, that's a nice consideration, but the problems gnawing at black America are larger than whether enough of them are becoming journalists. We can take every statistic about newspaper staffing and turn the percentages on its head - when we talk about crime. That's a serious problem.

Now, why is that? The answer is a complex one, and it involves more than just pointing a finger in the vague direction of the great  beast called subconscious racism, where the prophecies of one race are fulfilled without any participation of the person living those lives. The great sins committed at the outset of American settlement can never be fully erased, we know this. There will never be a generation of black Americans, no matter how far removed from it, who won't know the tragic mistreatment suffered through the centuries until the end of Jim Crow. And yet it is no longer the responsibility of white America to pay a guilt tax for these egregious errors; unlike man's inheritance to Adam, whose fall put a pox on man for history with only singular redemption (or so I believe), the modern generation of white America does not inherit the slavery, or abuse, or the kind of blatant discrimination of their ancestors. It simply doesn't. It's not white Americans job to look out for black Americans anymore than any other race, nor is there a penance white America still needs to pay. The responsibility, on a very high level, is merely (and hugely at the same time) to each other, without respect to any identifying physical charateristics. You think whites are hard on blacks? Well everybody's hard on the mentally depressed. And there's not much written by or for those people.

Is that making the answer bigger than the question? Maybe, but I think the eloquence and seeming persuasiveness of your arguments has to be put in the right context. I mean, consider:

On one hand you insist institutional racism and cronyism.

But on the second, you suggest the racists and cronies be responsible for diversifying the newsroom.

If you sincerely believe that journalism has turned a blind eye to the cause of minorities, your assertion that it restore vision to its own cataract  would be a semi-miracle. If it's subconscious and all, then why the admonishment to build grassroots organizations, etc. At the end of the day, can't you build all the pipelines you want and still have them fail because, in that interview room, the white editor just isn't feeling that kinship? How are you going to change that dynamic? Have white people read "Blacks For Dummies?" Your assertion all along is not that they weren't minorities worth hiring, but that white people weren't hiring them. Are newspapers going into the middle schools so they know what minorities and girls look like, or what?

Such is the futility of this strategy for solving racism. Malcom X had a audacious strategy of isolationism and community-building that promoted the kind of strict black unity that forced white America to deal with black America as a successful, formidable minority group. Bill Cosby travels the country telling black parents, more or less, to assimilate better, to make their kids speak proper English, go to school and quit being distracted by the hip-hop culture. I'm not saying I agree with either, but they are (were) viable strategies for black America in its relationship with white America. But this strategy where minorities insist the white mean lends some of the cool of his ice while secretly charging he hoards all the ice for himself is a wormhole - it merely folds in on itself.

If you need any more evidence, consider the last time white America was given the paternal role of taking care of a minority: Indian Reservations. Those worked out real well. 

Wow. Another Alma post that is barely, just barely, comprehensible.

Nothing wrong with being erudite.

 

[dooley_womack1]

I consider it a strength that I can usually follow his line of thought.

 

[Chi City 81]

One my cousin has used to perfection several times:

"You're fat. Kill yourself."

 

[spup1122]

Back on topic:

Suck me, beautiful

You lie.  That line works.

 

[Chef]

"Hey baby.......wanna make out" {beavis}

 

[dooley_womack1]

"Missy, you've got some nice child-bearing hips."

 

[SCEditor]

I don't know if this actually works, but a buddy of mine told me he used it or a friend of his used or something.


Guy in College: You know, I'm only six credits short of my metereology degree.

Ditzy Girl in College: Really, how many credits do you need total?

Guy in College: Six.

 

[Jack_Bauer]

While running his hands along his waist, a la some world champion fighter, a buddy of mine once asked a girl: "You want a shot at the title?"
Not really sure what he was getting at but it was funny as hell. And he left with her.

Another one I was SHOCKED to see work: "So, what you do say you and me go back to my place and I eat you out for a little while?"

 

[Rufino]

A buddy of mine thought it was brilliant to ask chicks at a party to make out with him because there was supposedly a gay guy there he thought was hitting on him. It worked once, so he tried it another 100 times. Some things don't work more than once.

 

[Cosmo]

Another one I was SHOCKED to see work: "So, what you do say you and me go back to my place and I eat you out for a little while?"

Now, see, that's kinda funny.

 

[Just_An_SID]

"Should I call you in the morning for breakfast or nudge you?"

 

[Del_B_Vista]

Also, once up at Penn State, me and some high school buddies went up to visit a friend going to school there. We were out up to no good and we started hitting on some chics. My one friend, bombed out of his gord, decided it would be a good idea to tell these girls, he's Notre Dame's kicker!

While that's certainly an outlandish claim, it's somewhat believable on some basic level. Who knows? Maybe Notre Dame's kicker just knows someone out here and is just visiting?

Kind of hate to admit it. And I never have done one-night stands. But when I was younger my friends and I would go out, drink and see what the most ridiculous **** we could get women to believe was. It wasn't about getting laid. Really. Well, at least for me it wasn't. In fact, if I was really interested in a woman, I wouldn't do it.

It was about being completely ridiculous and finding women gullible enough to believe the unbelievable. I am positive I did the field goal kicker / punter more than once. I know "formula one driver" worked more than once. I could even do it with fake Eurotrash accented English. But those kinds of lies never seemed creative enough.

I don't know why women can't resist a "Shakespearean Scholar." But it was a nearly full-proof rap that I had honed to perfection. If I drink enough I am sure I can still pull it off.

I had a buddy pull off "balloon pilot" once. It was tougher on us keeping straight faces than it was on him.

 

[Armchair_QB]

"Hey baby, what's your sign?"

"Stop."

 

[bigpern23]

I see you're drinking 1% milk. Is that because you think you're fat? Cuz you're not. You could totally drink whole milk.

 

[alleyallen]

"Hey baby. Pick me, former Vice President Dan Quayle."

 

[farmerjerome]

I've started a summer-stint as a bartender (or more accurately, beer wench) and I'm amazed at how clueless guys are.

I have a 48-ounce water bottle that I drink from while I'm working. A guy comes up to me and says, "My, what a big bottle you have." WTF does that mean?

Last week, a guy came up to me and said, "If you weren't married, I'd pick you up on a white horse and carry you away." ::)

I'm also surprised that how many people comment on my smile, women included. One of the band members made an announcement to be sure to tip me, because I'm built to smile. If a creepy guy says somethig to me, I tell him I just squint a lot.