Pickup lines that never, ever work

[Googlaw]

Uh ... I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me.

 

[Double J]

Uh ... I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me.

Reminds me of Sam Malone...."Not many people know this, but I happen to be quite famous."

BTW, who's the bubbly one in your sidesaddle?

 

[dooley_womack1]

"Hey, babe, the probation's over; I can drink in bars now."

 

[Dude]

"Do you sleep on your stomach?"
"No."
"Can l?"


Also, once up at Penn State, me and some high school buddies went up to visit a friend going to school there. We were out up to no good and we started hitting on some chics. My one friend, bombed out of his gord, decided it would be a good idea to tell these girls, he's Notre Dame's kicker!

While that's certainly an outlandish claim, it's somewhat believable on some basic level. Who knows? Maybe Notre Dame's kicker just knows someone out here and is just visiting?

One problem. It was a Saturday in October. People that play football for Notre Dame tend to busy on days like that.

Well this girl apparently wasn't a big football fan. It friggin' worked! She believed him and let him spend the night.

 

[The Big Ragu]

Also, once up at Penn State, me and some high school buddies went up to visit a friend going to school there. We were out up to no good and we started hitting on some chics. My one friend, bombed out of his gord, decided it would be a good idea to tell these girls, he's Notre Dame's kicker!

While that's certainly an outlandish claim, it's somewhat believable on some basic level. Who knows? Maybe Notre Dame's kicker just knows someone out here and is just visiting?

Kind of hate to admit it. And I never have done one-night stands. But when I was younger my friends and I would go out, drink and see what the most ridiculous **** we could get women to believe was. It wasn't about getting laid. Really. Well, at least for me it wasn't. In fact, if I was really interested in a woman, I wouldn't do it.

It was about being completely ridiculous and finding women gullible enough to believe the unbelievable. I am positive I did the field goal kicker / punter more than once. I know "formula one driver" worked more than once. I could even do it with fake Eurotrash accented English. But those kinds of lies never seemed creative enough.

I don't know why women can't resist a "Shakespearean Scholar." But it was a nearly full-proof rap that I had honed to perfection. If I drink enough I am sure I can still pull it off.

 

[Jake_Taylor]

Kind of hate to admit it. And I never have done one-night stands. But when I was younger my friends and I would go out, drink and see what the most ridiculous **** we could get women to believe was. It wasn't about getting laid. Really. Well, at least for me it wasn't. In fact, if I was really interested in a woman, I wouldn't do it.

We used to do the same thing. I told a group of girls my dad was the drummer in Blue Oyster Cult.

 

[dooley_womack1]

"Hey, baby, do you think I NEED TO GET A ****IN' HAIRCUT?

 

[Double J]

"I'm a pilot. Yes, really. I had quite an adventure on my last flight. We had MUTHA****IN' SNAKES ON THE MUTHA****IN' AIRPLANE!"

 

[kokane_muthashed]

Kind of hate to admit it. And I never have done one-night stands. But when I was younger my friends and I would go out, drink and see what the most ridiculous **** we could get women to believe was. It wasn't about getting laid. Really. Well, at least for me it wasn't. In fact, if I was really interested in a woman, I wouldn't do it.

We used to do the same thing. I told a group of girls my dad was the drummer in Blue Oyster Cult.

My group of friends and I would try to pick up girls using English or Aussie accents. In high school, we use to cruise chicks (Chicks, man. [The Soup]) in the mall this way. It worked surprisingly well as long as we could keep the charade going. In college I tried Irish a couple of times and always went down in flames. But that **** was funny.

 

[Beef03]

The one I'm waiting to break out is:

"How much does a polar bear weigh? enough to break the ice ... can I buy you a beer?"

 

[Cadet]

The one I'm waiting to break out is:

"How much does a polar bear weigh? enough to break the ice ... can I buy you a beer?"

That would crack me up [/badicepun]

 

[Trey Beamon]

I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I'm friends with Merlin Olsen.

Some others...

- You know would look good on you? Me.
- I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
- I'd love to swap bodily fluids with you.
- That's a nice shirt, it would look even better on my floor.

 

[Korgoth of Barbaria]

Hi, I"m Ben Roethlisberger.

 

[boots]

I got a rubber.

 

[Songbird]

"Who sexes The Mutombo?"

 

[dooley_womack1]

Don't think this would work, as impressive as it was as a message-board post:

CW1975,

Your arguments are dangerous because they are eloquent but manipulative. Randy Harvey's ascension to the LA Times SE job

You say newspapers must begin a grassroots effort in the middle schools of black America to develop minority talent for the future. I mean, that's a nice consideration, but the problems gnawing at black America are larger than whether enough of them are becoming journalists. We can take every statistic about newspaper staffing and turn the percentages on its head - when we talk about crime. That's a serious problem.

Now, why is that? The answer is a complex one, and it involves more than just pointing a finger in the vague direction of the great beast called subconscious racism, where the prophecies of one race are fulfilled without any participation of the person living those lives. The great sins committed at the outset of American settlement can never be fully erased, we know this. There will never be a generation of black Americans, no matter how far removed from it, who won't know the tragic mistreatment suffered through the centuries until the end of Jim Crow. And yet it is no longer the responsibility of white America to pay a guilt tax for these egregious errors; unlike man's inheritance to Adam, whose fall put a pox on man for history with only singular redemption (or so I believe), the modern generation of white America does not inherit the slavery, or abuse, or the kind of blatant discrimination of their ancestors. It simply doesn't. It's not white Americans job to look out for black Americans anymore than any other race, nor is there a penance white America still needs to pay. The responsibility, on a very high level, is merely (and hugely at the same time) to each other, without respect to any identifying physical charateristics. You think whites are hard on blacks? Well everybody's hard on the mentally depressed. And there's not much written by or for those people.

Is that making the answer bigger than the question? Maybe, but I think the eloquence and seeming persuasiveness of your arguments has to be put in the right context. I mean, consider:

On one hand you insist institutional racism and cronyism.

But on the second, you suggest the racists and cronies be responsible for diversifying the newsroom.

If you sincerely believe that journalism has turned a blind eye to the cause of minorities, your assertion that it restore vision to its own cataract would be a semi-miracle. If it's subconscious and all, then why the admonishment to build grassroots organizations, etc. At the end of the day, can't you build all the pipelines you want and still have them fail because, in that interview room, the white editor just isn't feeling that kinship? How are you going to change that dynamic? Have white people read "Blacks For Dummies?" Your assertion all along is not that they weren't minorities worth hiring, but that white people weren't hiring them. Are newspapers going into the middle schools so they know what minorities and girls look like, or what?

Such is the futility of this strategy for solving racism. Malcom X had a audacious strategy of isolationism and community-building that promoted the kind of strict black unity that forced white America to deal with black America as a successful, formidable minority group. Bill Cosby travels the country telling black parents, more or less, to assimilate better, to make their kids speak proper English, go to school and quit being distracted by the hip-hop culture. I'm not saying I agree with either, but they are (were) viable strategies for black America in its relationship with white America. But this strategy where minorities insist the white mean lends some of the cool of his ice while secretly charging he hoards all the ice for himself is a wormhole - it merely folds in on itself.

If you need any more evidence, consider the last time white America was given the paternal role of taking care of a minority: Indian Reservations. Those worked out real well.

 

[suburbanite]

Wow. Alma/China can still work it.

 

[imjustagirl2]

"Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!" (My all-time favorite cheesiest)

 

[busch]

Buddy of mine was dancing with a girl in a club one night. The girl says '"You smell nice, what do you have on" My buddy said "I have a hard-on but didn't know you could smell it"
He got the girl that night.

 

[Kid Presentable]

If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?