People in my office suck

[Pilot]

So I work in a very small office, like six people. The news reporter has a god awful cough though. I mean GOD AWFUL. It's been going on, oh, 3 months or so now. I mean, just hacks up a lung each and every day. He's young -- like 25 (so am I) -- and has a number of other "weird" problems that make him crappy to share a small office with (S-H-O-W-E-R. Just try it, buddy. Just once. Also, are you going to leave that long black trench coat on until May? Because I haven't seen it come off since Sept.)

Anyway, I have to not only bring an Ipod and headphones, but crank it up as loud as I can just to have a chance of shutting out this guy. It is amazing. I just want to turn around and scream "FIX IT OR DIE ALREADY."

Crap, a co-worker even bought and left two bags of cough drops on his desk ... message doesn't appear to have been received, however.

So ... help me survive and tell me some of your worst office stories.

 

[Chi City 81]

I actually had a similar experience at my first job at a weekly. Guy was much older, though. Think Milton from Office Space.

 

[leo1]

ok not to defend your dirtbag coworker but do you work for a small shop that has ****ty health insurance and doesn't give sick days?

 

[Pilot]

No, it's a weekly, but we have a parent paper that's really good about that stuff — good insurance and everything. My boss was saying the guy can't actually be "told" to go to a doctor or anything though, at least not by the boss. He's not loaded (I wouldn't think), but I make enough to afford the doc if I really need it, so I'm sure he does as well. Not like he wastes any money on shampoo, either.

 

[Angola!]

No, it's a weekly, but we have a parent paper that's really good about that stuff — good insurance and everything. My boss was saying the guy can't actually be "told" to go to a doctor or anything though, at least not by the boss. He's not loaded (I wouldn't think), but I make enough to afford the doc if I really need it, so I'm sure he does as well. Not like he wastes any money on shampoo, either.

Does he smoke? Because that might be the problem, I know during the winter months I get the big smoker's hack going for days on end, though I don't think I've ever had one for three months.

 

[Pilot]

No, it's a weekly, but we have a parent paper that's really good about that stuff — good insurance and everything. My boss was saying the guy can't actually be "told" to go to a doctor or anything though, at least not by the boss. He's not loaded (I wouldn't think), but I make enough to afford the doc if I really need it, so I'm sure he does as well. Not like he wastes any money on shampoo, either.

Does he smoke? Because that might be the problem, I know during the winter months I get the big smoker's hack going for days on end, though I don't think I've ever had one for three months.

He doesn't smoke tobacco. I can't vouch for anything else. I wouldn't use the term "pot head" or "hippy," but he totally has that blank stare. He's like a cross between a sack of potatoes, a hippy and a mold infestation -- covered by black coat.

I could go on for pages about his "journalistic" exploits, (a blurry photo from 9 months ago? Lets run it six-columns wide to fill this hole!) but this is strictly about his cough and how much it sucks to be near him.

 

[Ace]

Pilot,

Guys don't go to the doctor. They go to the hospice.

 

[Freelance Hack]

At a former job, I worked with a woman who was morbidly obese. I mean easily 500 pounds.

It wasn't glandular either. Every day, she come in with two filled grocery bags for her lunch.

On top of that, she was incredibly slow. She spend half the day in court, and would not turn in a three-graf staff report until 7-8 p.m.

 

[Ace]

It wasn't glandular either. Every day, she come in with two filled grocery bags for her lunch.

Paper or plastic?

 

[Freelance Hack]

It wasn't glandular either. Every day, she come in with two filled grocery bags for her lunch.

Paper or plastic?

Depended on where she went. Sometimes paper, sometimes plastic.

 

[cranberry]

At a former job, I worked with a woman who was morbidly obese. I mean easily 500 pounds.

It wasn't glandular either. Every day, she come in with two filled grocery bags for her lunch.

On top of that, she was incredibly slow. She spend half the day in court, and would not turn in a three-graf staff report until 7-8 p.m.

Also had trouble going to her left and shooting off the dribble.

 

[Ace]

It wasn't glandular either. Every day, she come in with two filled grocery bags for her lunch.

Paper or plastic?

Depended on where she went. Sometimes paper, sometimes plastic.

Two paper sacks would be impressive. Plastic ... eh, not so much.

 

[Pilot]

Every day, she come in with two filled grocery bags for her lunch.

That is awesome. At my last gig, this one huge woman took pride in having tried every single thing in the vending machine, and being able to tell you about every kind of candy bar that she'd ever had.

I'll never forgot how excited she was the first time she saw that new Butterfinger thing. (Butterfinger crisp, maybe .... something like that) It was like the best day of her life.

 

[User 1019]

My wife works with a woman who is much like the chick FH describes. I've seen the **** this chick eats for lunch. Two chicken sandwiches, two orders of onion rings, dessert and a big ass Coke.

It's amazing.

 

[Freelance Hack]

It wasn't glandular either. Every day, she come in with two filled grocery bags for her lunch.

Paper or plastic?

Depended on where she went. Sometimes paper, sometimes plastic.

Two paper sacks would be impressive. Plastic ... eh, not so much.

You can fit alot of **** in a plastic bag.

 

[DyePack]

One editor not only was morbidly obese, but she seemed to defend the philosophy as if it were a religion. Any restaurant closure in the town was like a personal affront. Once there was a wire story about obesity serving as protection from a broken hip after a fall. You guessed it -- A1, no questions asked.

There is now a monument to this ****tard who eventually ate herself to death.

 

[Freelance Hack]

One of my former co-workers on this site hopefully can vouch for me, but I think she broke at least one chair in the office.

She'd lean back in that poor chair just tempting gravity. Contemplating how she'd construct the lead into her staff report (i.e. not bylined article).

 

[Pilot]

One editor not only was morbidly obese, but she seemed to defend the philosophy as if it were a religion. Any restaurant closure in the town was like a personal affront. Once there was a wire story about obesity serving as protection from a broken hip after a fall. You guessed it -- A1, no questions asked.

There is now a monument to this ****tard who eventually ate herself to death.

Was she a "I'll have the triple Whooper, extra fries and umm.... umm.... diet coke, please?"

I LOVE those people.

 

[Duane Postum]

Can't you put on your faux-concerned voice and ask him what's wrong, how long he's had the cough, if he's ill, etc. and suggest he get some Robitussin or some ****ing thing. Then bring some in.

 

[Captain_Kirk]

Pilot, sounds like the dude spends a lot of his (getting) off hours wrapped deep inside a bong. Frequent and repeated bong usage can definitely cause one of those deep, in the chest cavity, coughs. Or so i have heard.