Parents vs. spouses/significant others

[MisterCreosote]

I know who I side with in these battles, but it just seems neverending sometimes. I don't care who "wins," I just wish Mama Creosote and her daughters-in-law could find a way to get along.

Instead, there's a whole, heapin' helping of crazy served whenever we're all in the same place. I'm no prize either, and if I'm the voice of reason, you've got some serious problems. And it's really pretty simple: Mama C doesn't think anyone's good enough for her boys. Mrs. C doesn't like Mama C even though they're pretty much the exact same person (loudmouthed New Yorkers). Finding common ground shouldn't be hard.

Anyone else ever gone through something like this?

 

[TheSportsPredictor]

Tell them they should get along because they are both loud-mouthed New Yorkers. Then they will ally to turn against you and you will be happy miserable.

 

[forever_town]

Have you simply told your mother politely but firmly, "look, Mrs. C and I love each other. Respect that and respect me. No amount of your dislike of her or any of your daughters-in-law is going to change that"?

Or something along those lines?

With your wife, you have to tell her, "Look, I know you don't like her, but she's my mother. For your part, I expect you to at least show her respect when you're around her."

 

[Mizzougrad96]

If you're not experiencing this from one or both sides, you are very, very, very, very, very lucky.

I adore my in-laws. They are great people who have been welcoming and supportive through everything over the last decade or so. Unbelievable people...

My parents are another story. My dad is a colossal prick with whom I'm no longer on speaking terms. My stepmom is a vicious alcoholic and the only way to properly describe her is the one word we can't put on this board. :D

My mom is OK, but a handful. She means well, but it's a given that on any visit she's going to say at least 2-3 things that make you want to wring her neck.

That said, I have it a lot better than some of my friends and cousins who get it from both sides.

 

[Mizzougrad96]

Have you simply told your mother politely but firmly, "look, Mrs. C and I love each other. Respect that and respect me. No amount of your dislike of her or any of your daughters-in-law is going to change that"?

Or something along those lines?

With your wife, you have to tell her, "Look, I know you don't like her, but she's my mother. For your part, I expect you to at least show her respect when you're around her."

You're not married are you?

 

[Mizzougrad96]

I've had those conversations. I've seen my friends and family members have that conversation. It doesn't work. It's unrealistic to tell someone to respect someone who isn't treating them with respect.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my cousin who told me, "Don't ever side with your parents over your wife."

It's easier said than done, but it's great advice.

 

[Shoeless Joe]

I am lucky in that there are no conflicts like that in either direction. I guess it comes back to southern mountain type folks being clannish, so it's all one big happy family.

My mother-in-law is crazy as a bedbug, but not in a bad kind of way. It's more of wife saying, "Dear Lord, listen to what mama's done now."

 

[bydesign77]

Side with your wife, you live with her. Don't be neutral. That's the real problem there.

Will Mama C be happy? Not at first, but eventually she'll leave you alone.

 

[Mizzougrad96]

Switzerland doesn't work. If anything, it will **** both sides off more.

I had the conversation with my mom. "You cannot pull this ****. If you pull this ****, you will not be welcome in our home." That's where my mom finally began to listen.

This is particularly effective when grandkids are dangled.

 

[Mizzougrad96]

Side with your wife, you live with her. Don't be neutral. That's the real problem there.

Will Mama C be happy? Not at first, but eventually she'll leave you alone.

This. Your mom will eventually come around (somewhat). I had that conversation with my mom shortly after I got married and after a couple tense months, she came around (mostly...).

If your wife thinks she married a momma's boy who cowers in fear of her and sides with her over his spouse, marriages have ended for less than that.

 

[Buck]

Have you thought about getting a reality show?

 

[Mizzougrad96]

C,

What's the worst thing your mom has said or done to your wife?

 

[sportbook]

I've had those conversations. I've seen my friends and family members have that conversation. It doesn't work. It's unrealistic to tell someone to respect someone who isn't treating them with respect.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my cousin who told me, "Don't ever side with your parents over your wife."

It's easier said than done, but it's great advice.

I'm not siding with either of them. I'm Switzerland.

I understand why one would not like the other. Hell, there are times when I can't stand either of them. ;D But short of locking them in a room together with the missive, "Just make it work," I'm out of ideas.

You can't be neutral. You have to side with your wife. It took me a number of years, and it's not easy, but it will benefit your primary relationship, which is that with your wife.

 

[shockey]

put with with mizzoo and the rest who have said: NEVER, EVER side with your parents over the mrs. EVER, NEVER!!!

if you don't yet have kids, make some babies. pronto. 'cause from the instant they are born, you and the mrs. have ALL the power.

your mom has been the family matriarch far too long. she has to share the throne now. i understand it ain't easy. tough.

your wife is the no. 1 woman in your life now. sorry, mama. i love you, appreciate all you've done and want nothing more than to have our loving relationship continue without any bumps, but you cannot win here.

respect my wife, respect our home. or prepare for the consequences.


hard to imagine any relatively sane, loving mother not responding to that message. i was blessed -- mrs. shockey's parents, both deceased now, loved me, and i them. my parents adore mrs. shockey, and she them.


so it startles me to hear in-law horror stories, though i know they're frequent. good luck.

 

[Mizzougrad96]

C,

What's the worst thing your mom has said or done to your wife?

Like I said, they're civil to each other in person. It's when one of them is alone with me that they feel the need to take shots at each other. I guess it could be worse, but I'd rather they work out their differences with each other than just plaster on a fake smile and "endure" the time they have to spend together. The way it is now, the underlying tension just simmers and will explode one day.

They're not going to work out their differences unless both sides want that to happen. Sadly, that's probably not the case.

I was at a meal where my mom did something that undermined and pissed my wife off. My wife had cooked me a birthday meal and baked me a cake and my mom showed up with food and a cake that I had told her repeatedly not to bring. She made several comments like, "I know he told me not to bring this, but it's always been his favorite."

It doesn't sound like much but having your mom try to one-up your wife is a nightmare. After dinner, I pulled my mom outside and said, "Don't you ever pull that **** again." She said, "I don't know why you're mad." and I said, "The hell you don't. And don't ever do it again."

Three days later, flowers arrived for my wife from my mom. My stepdad (who is awesome) had sent them without telling my mom. It made things much, much easier the next time they were together.

 

[SixToe]

Never have had in-law problems other than my MIL cannot relax and sit still, at all.

She has to be doing something all the time whether it's folding our clothes, making dinner in her home, going for a walk, planting-weeding flowers, making something for tomorrow's dinner. It's always something. She never can just sit the **** down, have a drink and talk. Ever. Other than that, we get along decently.

After Mrs. SixToe and I were married, my stepmother asked about grandchildren every time we visited. I finally had to tell my father he needed to say something to nip it or I would. He didn't and I let her have it. Said we'd have children when we were blessed to have them, if ever, but not before we were ready or as a surprise. Since her daughter had kid out of wedlock, that seemed to get her attention.


Don't go against your wife if it's a battle with the parents. You can mend a rift with parents. The wife never will forget. Ever.

 

[bydesign77]

My mom will still harp on kids, even though we're pretty sure it isn't going to happen. I guess that's just life.

 

[novelist_wannabe]

My in-laws? They treat me better than they treat my wife. My folks? My dad's the world's most laid-back person. My mom means well, but is, shall we say, high maintenance. I've committed the mortal southern sin of telling her to shut up on matters concerning my wife. I'm probably going to hell, but the stuff I've had to listen to seems to have abated since then.

 

[albert77]

About a year and a half into my marriage, I finally had to tell my mom to back off, that I wasn't 14 any more. Haven't had a problem since. Mom and wife get along great, although it probably helps that we live seven hours apart. What helps is the fact that my dad is the only father my wife has. Her dad died in 1968 when she was 12.

Me and my MIL are a different situation. A few years ago, before she moved into the nursing home, she was, quite frankly, someone nobody wanted to be around. Now, she's a lot more mellow, just living out her days. She just turned 94. Remarkable lady. Only an 8th grade education, but she worked as a short-order cook until she was well over 70.

 

[qtlaw]

There are some nuggets here:

1. Never, ever side with your mom over your wife. You married your wife and said forever.
2. Don't go Switzerland either, that's just the same as No. 1, well unless you want a divorce.

I'm lucky, my wife understands that I've been brainwashed into thinking that my mom is the end all be all and can do no wrong. To reach some middle ground, we share laughs at some things my mom and family do. It helps.

My in-laws are way over on the neurotic side whereas I'm way over on the laid-back, no biggie, side so I just choose to ignore what they say for the most part, otherwise I'll end up thinking about small insignificant things/details and I refuse to do that.