My dad - can anyone top this?

[ArnoldBabar]

This thread makes me want to go hug my dad, who is awesome.

****, this thread even makes me want to go hug my dad, who is not really awesome but a long way from poin's.

 

[poindexter]

A few years ago, I had gone to Vegas, placed some bets for him and I for football games that weekend. I had dropped by his house - and didn't give him his bet tickets - I had already won a bet, and knew I would be mailing at least one ticket. After I got home, we were on the phone:

Him: Did you place my bets?
Me: Yeah - Here are your spreads.
Him: But where are the tickets?
Me: I am holding them. I'll mail them in if there are any winners - I already have a winner, so I am mailing them anyways.

He completely blew up because HE WASN'T ABLE TO HOLD THE BET TICKETS IN HIS HAND WHILE HE WATCHED THE GAMES.

 

[The Big Ragu]

A few years ago, I had gone to Vegas, placed some bets for him and I for football games that weekend. I had dropped by his house - and didn't give him his bet tickets - I had already won a bet, and knew I would be mailing at least one ticket. After I got home, we were on the phone:

Him: Did you place my bets?
Me: Yeah - Here are your spreads.
Him: But where are the tickets?
Me: I am holding them. I'll mail them in if there are any winners - I already have a winner, so I am mailing them anyways.

He completely blew up because HE WASN'T ABLE TO HOLD THE BET TICKETS IN HIS HAND WHILE HE WATCHED THE GAMES.

That's easy. Since you weren't able to hold the bet tickets, dad, I guess you didn't place the bets. Sorry.

 

[lono]

When I told my father that my new girlfriend was Armenian, the first thing he said to me was, "Well, is she white?"

Then again, when he was 8, he told the Mother Superior at his Catholic school that she was full of ****. And he did it in front of his old man, who beat him senseless.

Once, he got in a fight with his little brother and threw a can of Drano at him, which broke upon contact. Dad then held his head under the water for a minute or two to rinse it out. Hilarity ensued.

He got in a fight with his drill instructor in his first night in Parris Island.

He used to regale us with stories of whorehouses and burlesque shows, running numbers for cops in his neighborhood and barroom brawls full of brass knuckles, saps and gun barrels.

He was a warrior and sometimes a *******, but he loved my Mom and in his own way was immensely proud of his kids. There was no one who was better in a foxhole, either.

In the last years of his life, he used to tease me relentlessly about our daughter and the fact that boys will be flocking to her when she starts dating. "I bet you hope she finds a nice boy like you were in high school," he'd tell me, laughing, aware that I'd had a somewhat active social life back in the day. "Yeah, that's it. A nice boy like you."

 

[doubledown68]

I love my old man, though he can be a bit goofy.

Worst thing he ever did intentionally (though he claims it was all a big mistake) was to stop for gas on vacation in California one time... in Watts.

He says he didn't know where he was, and only found out afterward when hightailing it out of there, when he saw the sign on the other side of the highway. I suspect otherwise.

That's the worst thing he ever did? Your dad is a great guy then.

Never said he wasn't. Just said he was a bit goofy every now and then.

 

[Moderator1]

My dad always tried to teach his parrot to cuss.
He'd sit there and say, "Son of a *****. Son of a *****. Son of a *****."

Of course, that's not how a parrot learns to talk. He picks stuff up somehow but repeating lines to it doesn't work.
BUT
My mom would hear him doing this and give out a shrill BILLLLL whenever he did it.
So the parrot learns, whenever my mom changes her inflection, to go BILLLLLLL. Sounded just like my mom.
We'd laugh like crazy.
So the parrot learns to laugh.
BILLLL
BILLLL
Laughter
Laughter
Mom goes ape****
Repeat

My mom hated that bird. The second my dad died, the parrot was out of there. We kidded her many years later that she got rid of the bird before she called the ambulance.

Bird also said, "Michael," every single day upon hearing my school bus pull up in front of the house.

I miss my dad and I miss Billy the Parrot.

 

[I Digress]

My dad was an alcoholic who I basically didn't speak to after my mom died, unless I had to. When he died, just before I graduated college, I was equal parts relieved and sad. Maybe a little more relieved.

 

[slappy4428]

Poins' dad sounds like a mix of Archie Bunker and Jerry Van Dyke in his stint on Yes Dear...

 

[Ace]

The worst thing my dad ever did was tell me the truth about what I needed to do and should be doing. Who wants to hear that crap from a parent?

Oh, and after barely laying a hand on me for 15 years except maybe a rare paddling as a youngster, he kicked me down after I had been a real pain to my wonderful mother and was heading out that door against her wishes.

I sure had it coming.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

My dad always tried to teach his parrot to cuss.
He'd sit there and say, "Son of a *****. Son of a *****. Son of a *****."

Of course, that's not how a parrot learns to talk. He picks stuff up somehow but repeating lines to it doesn't work.
BUT
My mom would hear him doing this and give out a shrill BILLLLL whenever he did it.
So the parrot learns, whenever my mom changes her inflection, to go BILLLLLLL. Sounded just like my mom.
We'd laugh like crazy.
So the parrot learns to laugh.
BILLLL
BILLLL
Laughter
Laughter
Mom goes ape****
Repeat

My mom hated that bird. The second my dad died, the parrot was out of there. We kidded her many years later that she got rid of the bird before she called the ambulance.

Bird also said, "Michael," every single day upon hearing my school bus pull up in front of the house.

I miss my dad and I miss Billy the Parrot.

And your mother shot the bird the bird.

 

[Double J]

When I told my father that my new girlfriend was Armenian, the first thing he said to me was, "Well, is she white?"

Then again, when he was 8, he told the Mother Superior at his Catholic school that she was full of ****. And he did it in front of his old man, who beat him senseless.

Once, he got in a fight with his little brother and threw a can of Drano at him, which broke upon contact. Dad then held his head under the water for a minute or two to rinse it out. Hilarity ensued.

He got in a fight with his drill instructor in his first night in Parris Island.

He used to regale us with stories of whorehouses and burlesque shows, running numbers for cops in his neighborhood and barroom brawls full of brass knuckles, saps and gun barrels.

He was a warrior and sometimes a *******, but he loved my Mom and in his own way was immensely proud of his kids. There was no one who was better in a foxhole, either.

In the last years of his life, he used to tease me relentlessly about our daughter and the fact that boys will be flocking to her when she starts dating. "I bet you hope she finds a nice boy like you were in high school," he'd tell me, laughing, aware that I'd had a somewhat active social life back in the day. "Yeah, that's it. A nice boy like you."

Your dad sounds like he was a cool ****ing guy.

 

[lono]

When I told my father that my new girlfriend was Armenian, the first thing he said to me was, "Well, is she white?"

Then again, when he was 8, he told the Mother Superior at his Catholic school that she was full of ****. And he did it in front of his old man, who beat him senseless.

Once, he got in a fight with his little brother and threw a can of Drano at him, which broke upon contact. Dad then held his head under the water for a minute or two to rinse it out. Hilarity ensued.

He got in a fight with his drill instructor in his first night in Parris Island.

He used to regale us with stories of whorehouses and burlesque shows, running numbers for cops in his neighborhood and barroom brawls full of brass knuckles, saps and gun barrels.

He was a warrior and sometimes a *******, but he loved my Mom and in his own way was immensely proud of his kids. There was no one who was better in a foxhole, either.

In the last years of his life, he used to tease me relentlessly about our daughter and the fact that boys will be flocking to her when she starts dating. "I bet you hope she finds a nice boy like you were in high school," he'd tell me, laughing, aware that I'd had a somewhat active social life back in the day. "Yeah, that's it. A nice boy like you."

Your dad sounds like he was a cool ****ing guy.

Oh, he was Double J. He definitely was. An amazing man.

Tomorrow (June 3) is his birthday. I will hoist one in his honor.

 

[farmerjerome]

I've always had a complicated relationship with my dad. I spend the pre-school years of my life with him on the farm (hence my handle, farmerjerome), but once I wasn't around him all the time things changed.

He was over the line with discipline, which resulted in daddy issues and my problems with authority.

We're very close now that I'm in my 20s, but I always feel like he's never proud enough of me. Plus he's ultra-close with Dr. J and I'm jealous of that.

He's good guy, but I just wish he hadn't made the mistakes he made when I was younger, since it made such a negative impact on me. But I love him to death and I don't know what I'll do when he's gone.

 

[Evil ... Thy name is Orville Redenbacher!!]

My old man was a father in terms of providing for the family.
When I was a kid he was a Grade-A asshole.
When my little bro. killed himself my dad did a 180 degree turn. He had an awakening. He discovered the things in life that mattered and stopped to smell the roses. A silver lining so to speak. ....
We are closer now than we ever were before.

I am - in terms of a dad to my kids- everything he was not. Having said that ... As I get older, the smarter he gets.