I'm shacked up

[dargan]

Why anyone would choose to wait until marriage to find out what it's like to live with the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with ... I'll never understand.

Why this seems to have zero positive effect on the divorce rate . . . I'll never understand.

Nobody ever said cohabitation was a cure-all for a lasting marriage. Not sure what your point is.

Pretty sure I've read information supplied by the Christian Right that claims pre-marital cohabitation actually leads to more divorce, not less. I can't cite it because it's just one of those random things I seem to recall and also because it strikes me as total bull****. Anybody who would live together before marriage is obviously without the church-engrained dogma that requires one to stay in a bad situation past the point where a normal person would push the eject button. I am going to guess that cohabitation prior to marriage is now more common than those who have not. Maybe I am just normalizing my own situation -- lived with my now wife for seven years before marriage -- but marriage is far too serious a commitment to enter into without a broad base of knowledge.

I like how everyone who is Christian is automatically grouped in with the "Christian Right" and all the other Pat Robertson/Ralph Reed/Jerry Falwell crowd. I also like how every Christian's religious beliefs are tied directly to their political beliefs.

Not all of us Evangelical Protestant Christians are stark-raving mad like the troika I mentioned above. Only the extremists get noticed because they're the loudest and draw the most attention. It's also interesting how "church-engrained dogmas" are widely dismissed as illogical when it comes to someone using evidence to back up a point.

Anyway, Cadet's right about the "keeping up appearances" part.

 

[Bump_Wills]

Don't have a lot to say on the shack-up-or-don't-shack-up question. Mrs. Wills and I did and it worked for us. Your mileage may vary.

I do want to say something about this bathroom space. My bride takes up the majority of the space around the sink, in the cabinet, etc. with her stuff. Understandable. She has little individual makeup brushes for God knows what, and I have deodorant, cologne and a brush and some hair jelly, and there's less and less need for that, if you get what I'm saying. She needs the space. I don't.

But here's the thing: Last week, I hung a sweet set of stainless steel shelves in the bathroom for her -- at her behest, and at considerable risk of exposing my utter ineptitude at such minor home improvement. After a week, none of her crap had made the migration. It's still lollygagging around the sink (LOLLYGAGGERS!).

So today I moved my crap up there. The hell with it.

That's all.

 

[buckweaver]

Best decision I ever made, when moving in together:

Found an apartment with 1.25 baths.

Now we're in a place with 1.5. Regardless, she gets her own sink to spread out her stuff (and, of course, about half of mine, too.)

 

[spaceman]

a lot of new homes are being built with dual master bedrooms

great idea

 

[BTExpress]

Also, the cohabitation-leads-to-divorce issue has already been debunked: The highest divorce rate is in the Bible Belt

Nothing in that article even remotely mentioned cohabitation.

It's simply a Bob Beamon-sized leap on your part to assume that "Massachusetts liberals" cohabitate and "Bible Belt" citizens do not. The article cited many factors to support the statistics --- but cohabitation was nowhere to be found.

 

[Tom Petty]

**** other people's beliefs, pirate. do what works for you.

i have two years of living together under my belt. i've also been married to that person going on 20 years.

 

[KYSportsWriter]

being raised the way i was, my grandma/aunt/great aunts would probably kill me if they knew i was shacked up with a girl and we werent married. i dont think it would even matter that we were planning on getting hitched at some point, either.

 

[ArnoldBabar]

FDP, the part of your original post that encourages me is that you're "surprisingly not apprehensive about it at all." Changing living situation naturally has some stresses, but if the living together part of it isn't a stressor, that's a good sign that it's right.

Personally, I think getting married without living together is not in anyone's best interests, just like getting married without sleeping together. I'm all about making informed decisions -- if you're going to commit to something for the rest of your life, know as much as you can about what you're setting yourself up for.

 

[dooley_womack1]

I would just say that you better be darn sure there's a long-term future in the relationship, cause a non-married breakup can be as messy as a divorce.

 

[Tom Petty]

I would just say that you better be darn sure there's a long-term future in the relationship, cause a non-married breakup can be as messy as a divorce.

i love it when you get super sarcastic.

 

[dooley_womack1]

So I'm not on fire anymore?

 

[Tom Petty]

So I'm not on fire anymore?

oh god yes. just count that as a super sarcastic extension of being on fire.

 

[dooley_womack1]

Problem is, I was being straight up.

 

[Tom Petty]

Problem is, I was being straight up.

sonuvabitch.

 

[Gomer]

I think it'd be weird not to live with the person before you marry.

I actually moved in with a female friend just after meeting the future Mrs. Gomer. It worked great, actually. Neither roommate was single so that cut down on any potential awkwardness.

Moved in with my wife-to-be a year-and-a-half later. Her parents - very religious - sat us down for 'the talk' about 'living in sin.' Behind my back they offered her money and a car not to move in with me before marrying. To my face they offered us a shotgun wedding, to which we both refused. I did open up and say I intended (at that time, anyhow) to marry her someday, but that I didn't feel we were ready.

Looking back on it I'm glad we stood up to them. It was good for both of us to live together, though the three years it took for me to actually pop the question annoyed her a little. But the independence we reaped was the biggest advantage we gained from the experience.

 

[Tom Petty]

I think it'd be weird not to live with the person before you marry.

I actually moved in with a female friend just after meeting the future Mrs. Gomer. It worked great, actually. Neither roommate was single so that cut down on any potential awkwardness.

but you still nailed your roommate, didn't you?

 

[Giggity]

I would just say that you better be darn sure there's a long-term future in the relationship, cause a non-married breakup can be as messy as a divorce.

This is damn right. I'm on the tail end of a breakup with a girl I lived with for several years, and I'm here to tell you it can be an absolute cluster**** (is cluster**** one word?). A divorce without the paperwork is how my old man describes it.

Personally, I got into it for the sake of convenience and finance. The way I'm looking at it now is, if I do it again, we will have talked about marriage extensively. Shacking up will basically serve as a test run before the ring comes out. But like Arnold said, the fact you're not feeling nervous about it is a great sign, and living in sin is the only way to find out what somebody's really like. Most people have had great friends who became roommates, but weren't such great friends when the lease was up. Same concept here.

 

[outofplace]

To be fair, for some it really is a religious issue. I don't quite understand why pre-marital sex is acceptable but living together crosses the line, but I know people who believe exactly that.

I can respect people who abstain from pre-marital sex for religious reasons.

I can't respect people who claim to follow religious tenants, but are ****ing their brains out anyway, but won't live together because it's a "sin." Those people are doing nothing but keeping up appearances -- if they live together, everyone knows they're ****ing, but if they pay two separate rents it keeps everyone guessing.

Also, the cohabitation-leads-to-divorce issue has already been debunked: <a href="http://www.boston.com/news/globe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2004/10/31/walking_the_walk_on_family_values/">The highest divorce rate is in the Bible Belt</a>

We will have to agree to disagree on the ****ing, but not living together thing. People have to do what they are comfortable with. It is silly and yes, it is most likely about appearances. But I respect their choices as I would expect them to respect mine. I'm the last person who should be telling anybody else how to practice their beliefs.

 

[Ace]

a lot of new homes are being built with dual master bedrooms

great idea

Not sure I get it. What is the purpose? So each spouse can get a little on the side?

 

[Gomer]

I think it'd be weird not to live with the person before you marry.

I actually moved in with a female friend just after meeting the future Mrs. Gomer. It worked great, actually. Neither roommate was single so that cut down on any potential awkwardness.

but you still nailed your roommate, didn't you?

Sadly, no. I've pretty much been a grade-A geek/loser all my life.