Getting the family story from my surly grandmother

[User 1019]

So, my 80-year old grandmother -- the one I caught on the roof cleaning the gutters about five years ago -- is quite surly in her old age. She's never been afraid to tell you what she thinks about any topic, including the opinions of others, etc. Basically, she's an asshole, and she knows it.

But she's never shared with me the family history. Grandpa is gone, my father is dead and my aunt and I are not close enough to discuss it. And it's a pretty deep history.

Her parents, uncles and all but one of her aunts (five in total, I think) were all murdered at some point. I don't think it was all at the same time, but the deaths weren't very far apart. Her father's murder was particularly gruesome, from what I understand. From the bits of conversation I've overheard over the years, he was dismembered and his remains were found by a fisherman in a nearby river. He was identified by buttons and hooks on his overalls, apparently.

But I have no idea why. I don't know if they were in the mafia (which is highly unlikely for Depression-era farmers from central Alabama, I think), or they were into drugs or liquor or what. Because she's never said more than two sentences to me about it. She was raised by her surviving aunt, who was an abused drunk who died 20 years ago.

I've always wanted to get her away from everyone else and talk about it, but the opportunity hasn't presented itself. She's said before, "I'll have to tell you about old times, sometime."

Since I haven't spent enough time with her in recent years, and I'm about to move much father away (central Kansas), I wanted to spend a bit of time with her this weekend before we get knee-deep in summer travel, etc. She loves to gamble, so I decided I'd take her to Biloxi or Tunica for the weekend to spend a little time with her. She didn't want to do that, but she agreed to go to dinner with us Saturday night.

After putting it together, I thought about asking her about it, but I have absolutely no idea how to bring up the subject. I can't just say, "Granny, how's your lobster? By the way, why was your entire family murdered?"

Any suggestions?

 

[JayFarrar]

You may try to get her to write down family history or have her tell the tales and you write it so your kids and their kids will have a sense of place.

Depression era people aren't naturally talkative in my experience but you might get lucky.

 

[Vombatus]

Maybe tell her you are thinking about getting in to genealogy. Ask her if she has a family bible that lists a lot of her relatives. And then go from there and see if you can learn some of the stories of some of them, maybe starting with her parents.

 

[User 1019]

That might work. My "real" grandfather just up and left when my dad was 10 or 12 (she later married the man I knew as grandpa). I could ask a few questions about him, too.

 

[Jake_Taylor]

Good luck. That sounds like it could be a fascinating story. My grandmother is about the same age and an intense teetotaler. I know it has something to do with her father, but have no idea what the real reason is.

Off topic, where are you moving? I grew up in Central Kansas.

 

[Riptide]

If all else fails, level with her: "C'mon, Grandma. I gotta know this stuff."

 

[Riptide]

Also, you could hold her out a window. By her ankles.

 

[User 1019]

We're moving to Manhattan. I'm being stationed at Ft. Riley.

 

[User 1019]

Off topic, where are you moving? I grew up in Central Kansas.

Manhattan. I'm being stationed at Ft. Riley.

 

[Ace]

If she is a surly old coot, I wouldn't tiptoe around it.

Ideally get her talking about old times. What was it like growing up on the farm? What kinds of animals? Etc. Then bring up what you want to ask.

 

[Shropshire Slasher]

I hope "How's your lobster" isn't a euphemism.

 

[Jake_Taylor]

Manhattan. I'm being stationed at Ft. Riley.

Nice. It's not Lawrence, but still a cool college town. Much nicer place to live than most towns that size.

 

[cranberry]

If she is a surly old coot, I wouldn't tiptoe around it.

Ideally get her talking about old times. What was it like growing up on the farm? What kinds of animals? Etc. Then bring up what you want to ask.

Yeah, I would definitely ease in by asking her to set the scene first.

 

[forever_town]

Depends on the Depression-era person, Jay. My maternal grandmother was very chatty about the old days and got me started on looking up the history on that side of the family about 20-some years ago.

 

[The Big Ragu]

You may try to get her to write down family history or have her tell the tales and you write it so your kids and their kids will have a sense of place.

Depression era people aren't naturally talkative in my experience but you might get lucky.

One of my grandmothers came from a godforsaken place in Eastern Europe where every once in a while her little village would get destroyed and a few people would end up sacrificial scapegoats in a pogrom. At least that is what I have gathered on my own. I'm not entirely sure how she got the money to get across to America--it may have been a "rich" uncle--but she did it on her own when she was probably 14. She never saw her family again -- I am not sure if they were killed before or during the holocaust.

With her, it wasn't a depression-era mentality. It was, "You don't need to know about that." I never got much out of her before she died.

Since I was never 100 percent sure of her birth name, or exactly when she was born, it was hard to do any genealogy work -- if any records do exist. But a few years ago we were on Ellis Island. They have done a tremendous job of recording all the info they have into a database. I searched what I thought her birth name was and came up empty. But at home that night-- you can search online--I found her. She had a simple last name, and I was only off by just the vowel. Her given first name was what I thought it was. The ship I found was around the right time. And the relative she listed here lined up exactly with the vague story I knew.

I found a copy of the ship's manifest--a photo copy--with her on it. She lied about her age to make herself 17. The town she said she was from barely shows up on the map -- then or now. But geographically it was around where I believed. She would have had to travel a few hundred miles by train to get to where the ship left from. It was probably her first time away. She rode steerage class on the ship. I have found info about the ship itself, which is interesting.

When she came across, the relative she listed -- who may have paid for her trip, and may have been an uncle -- was in Beaumont, Texas of all places. He owned a store. She likely went from Ellis Island to the train station in Hoboken and was immediately off to Texas. I did a little research and found that when she showed up, Beaumont was controlled by the KKK -- from the mayor on down. KKK marches down Main Street on holidays. I wish I knew what she was thinking and how she was received. I don't think she was there very long.

I was less curious when I was younger than I am now, but even then, I could never get much out of her about her past. She lived a tough life. After she settled here, she lost her husband when my mom was 7 and then lost both her kids before she died. I think it's kind of like the depression-era people you are talking about. People who live through tough things, often don't like reminiscing.

 

[SpeedTchr]

As my grandmother said back in the '60s -- "The good old days weren't very damn good."