"destination weddings"

[writing irish]

My family keeps devising new ways to suck.

My niece, who's in her early 20s, is getting married. Fair enough. But she's too cool to get married in the city where she, her man and our family (except for me) live. Nope. She's getting married in a fancy resort-town locale. I've been told that "a destination wedding" is something high-tone folk do these days.

Problem is, while my niece was raised in an upper-upper-middle class family (thanks to my half-sister's marrying a rich dude), she herself is not wealthy. She's semi-bankrupting her mom and stepdad with this whole event. Not that I give a ****...as far as I'm concerned, it's karma for their having raised her to be materialistic and status-obsessed.

What I do give a **** about is the fact that an airline ticket to the "destination" is going to set me back $600. I'm a freaking journalist...after I pay rent, bills, car payment, student loans, there isn't much left. 600 bucks is huge to me. Her folks are paying for my lodging, but plane fare's on me.

The bad thing about it is that I must, must go. I'm not very close with my half-sister or her husband/kids. But I have a very small family, and after my elderly mother dies (hopefully a long ****ing time from now), that nuclear family will be, for all practical purposes, the only blood relatives I have. Not going to this wedding would be the ultimate "**** you" to some people with whom I'm not close, but will want in my life in my later years, as I feel a person should have at least some family, even if they suck.

My half-sister and her family know only two "poor" people: my mother and I. My mom lives on a very limited income and 6 C-notes is as big to her at is to me. So the only people who are going to have a hard time affording attendance at this event are...the bride's grandmother and uncle.

"Destination weddings." :

 

[MartinEnigmatica]

Wow, that's a tough one. Don't suppose you could go to your editor or publisher, explain the situation, and ask for some kind of advance, could you? I know that wouldn't help a few weeks from now when you'd get no paycheck at all, but if it's that important to you, the squeeze would be worth it.
My buddy's in a slightly similar situation, with much less pressure. He's student teaching with the peace corps in Kazakhstan for 27 months and isn't a third of the way through yet. Coming home just isn't an option right now, that's a ridiculous plane ticket to buy. But I and a few other friends are trying to raise enough money to get him home for a weekend.
Not that the above story is any help to you now, unless you start dropping hints around your office.

 

[Omar_dont_scare]

If you're going to do a destination wedding, do it as a very small affair. The couple, a few close family and friends, that's it. Doing some ginormous wedding at some exotic location is ridiculous unless you're in Puffy's tax bracket.

 

[KJIM]

The bad thing about it is that I must, must go. I'm not very close with my half-sister or her husband/kids. But I have a very small family, and after my elderly mother dies (hopefully a long ****ing time from now), that nuclear family will be, for all practical purposes, the only blood relatives I have. Not going to this wedding would be the ultimate "**** you" to some people with whom I'm not close, but will want in my life in my later years, as I feel a person should have at least some family, even if they suck.

Maybe I'm just not a wedding person, but I don't see how that translates into "must go." If you can't afford it, you shouldn't have to get a second mortgage or even a salary advance.

Politely decline the invitation and send a gift and your best wishes. If they ask why, tell them, but don't make an issue out of it. If the happy couple reads it as a FU, they have deeper issues that need to be worked out. But that shouldn't be your problem. Don't let it be.

Remember, in the realm of things: wedding = unimportant; marriage = very important. You can be happy for them but not be present.

What is your mom going to do? Hopefully the couple and/or in-laws will pony up the airfare.

Seriously, what are people thinking when they do this? How self-centered can you possibly be to expect people to forgo serious money and vacation time for "their" day?

 

[Mizzougrad96]

I've been to two...

Don't go...

I went to one in the Keys and even with Rehearsal dinner and the wedding night dinner being paid for, four nights there cost roughly what it would have cost for me to take my whole family to Sandales for a week in Turks and Caicos...

 

[Mizzougrad96]

Having a destination wedding is a "**** you" to everyone invited... The bride and groom do it intentionally so very few people come and those who don't come feel guilty so they send a huge gift. "Let's see, it would cost $2,000 to go, so we'll send them $500 instead."

Don't go and send a big check. You'll be forgiven...

 

[MartinEnigmatica]

Maybe people think it's like inviting you to a mini-vacation or something. "While you're spending ass-loads of money getting to Fiji, you can check out some of the incredible sights". Which is, of course, totally backwards logic.
But if the destination wedding, which sounds like the name of TLC's next awful "Look At Me" show, is put on by the same type of person who has a gala Sweet 16, invitations are like Wonka's Golden Tickets.

 

[Mizzougrad96]

The last one I went to was a complete sham. They invited 500 people and 50 were stupid enough to come...

They had it at a resort and you pretty much had to stay there and pay $250 a night, which, believe it or not, was a reduced rate.

It's a total "**** you" to guests...

If you want to have a "destination wedding" you should elope...

 

[Moderator1]

People who hold it against you because you can't afford to go are not worth worrying over, family or not.

My nephew got married in Quebec. His wife is from there so it made sense. Love the kid but I could not afford a trip like that at the time. So I didn't go.
Some got over it, all is well.
Some didn't. **** 'em.

 

[MartinEnigmatica]

My question is, if you go to a destination wedding, would you even bring a gift? That should be the curse for the bride and groom, as they look at empty-handed and empty-walleted guests.

 

[this_board_sucks]

Weddings, in general, suck.

Destination weddings really suck.

This Board Sucks

 

[Cadet]

If you can't afford it and they really want you there, they should pay for your plane ticket. And your mother's. End of story.

If your mother doesn't already know, tell her that the $600 is not feasible for you. She should pass that tidbit of info along to your half-sister, who should then be a gracious hostess and buy the ticket for you. And your mother. I can't believe they expect fixed-income grandma to buy her own ticket.

Destination weddings can be nice if they're done right. Small group, make the "wedding" as important or secondary to the "vacation". Of course, I think everyone should elope, but that's just me.

 

[zeke12]

[Moe Syslak voice]

"Yeah, Hello. I need an escort."

"To where? How about Orgasmville?"

"Hello? Hello?"

 

[writing irish]

If I end up going, they're sure as hell not getting a gift.

I'm single with no kids, so the only person who'd suffer should I **** away hundreds of dollars would be me. If I was trying to raise kids on this salary, I'd tell my niece to pound sand without the slightest hesitation. No way would a kid of mine go to school this fall decked out in Wal Mart instead of JC Penney just because my niece needed my face in the crowd.

Thanks for the input and please, anyone else feel free to chime in. This particular situation isn't one I'm used to negotiating. There hasn't been a wedding in my family since I've been an adult.

Knowing them as I do, I know they think they're doing me a favor by giving me an excuse to Jackson Hole (that's the spot) in September. I love the mountains, but I have no desire to go to Jackson Hole. I live near the southern Rockies and those are just fine for me.

They don't really respect my mom or I, in general. They think my mom's a flake, which she is, but instead of regarding my mom's plight with compassion, they're contemptuous. As for me, they think I'm a lunatic because I went to a fancy college and instead of using my degree to accumulate wealth, I've "wasted" my education by being a journalist.

****ing shallow, pretentious Dallas people. Those are my roots, but there are many reasons I bolted that plastic ****hole as soon as I graduated high school and haven't lived there since.

 

[TheSportsPredictor]

You can't afford it. End of story. It really is that simple.

 

[Cadet]

Then you know what? Save your sanity and don't go. If it's a hardship to get there, and you don't like their company, don't go. The only reason to go would be if you mother asks for your presence to keep her company.

For years I had an uncle who would "drop in" at family events for an hour or two and then split. I could never figure out why he did that. Until I became an adult and realized how ****ed-up that side of the family was.

As an adult I've avoided a few family functions on that side. Sure, that makes me a black sheep, but my blood pressure is down and overall contentment up.

Other side of the family, the people I like? I've driven seven hours in a snowstorm to be at a family event.

WI, if you're so worried that these people will be the "only family left" at some point, work on building up a solid "family" of friends. It's not the exact same, but it's better for you.

 

[Cadet]

Oh, and if you go, no present required. But if you don't go, send something.

And if you really want to **** them off, send them something that's not on their registry!

 

[spnited]

Given the financial burden these self-centered twits are putting on you and your mother, and reading your last post, why are you even thinking about going?

"Sorry, can't make it. Wish you great happiness. All the best, etc. etc. etc."

 

[John]

Having a destination wedding is a "**** you" to everyone invited... The bride and groom do it intentionally so very few people come and those who don't come feel guilty so they send a huge gift. "Let's see, it would cost $2,000 to go, so we'll send them $500 instead."

Don't go and send a big check. You'll be forgiven...

I call BS on most of that. Most destination weddings are intentionally kept small for both logistical and practical purposes. My last one was at Ponte Vedra and there weren't 25 of us at the rehearsal dinner or in the beautiful little chapel there.

 

[MileHigh]

My brother is having a destination wedding in June, at Banff. Thankfully, I can afford it, and it's worked out to where my sister was able to transfer her time share from Cancun to up there, so it won't be such a major hit on us. But had it not, yeah, it would have been hard.