Worst Sports Lede Contest

[Mystery_Meat]

Note: I don't know where this should go. It's journalisticy, but it's not a bona fide journalism topic.

Reading the worst lede thread has inspired me (so have three Pepsis and a thing of Starbucks, but I digress) ...

You've heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, in which the most god-awful fiction writing gets honored? You haven't? Whatever, here's the deal: write a horrible, wretched, abomination-unto-the-Lord lede for a gamer.

Rules are thus:

• 100 words or less. Yes, you can write a horrible lede if you make it so long it needs two flash drives to carry, but that's cheating.
• While horribly written, it should at least be an attempt to make a coherent opening. Sure, you could type I EAT WALRUSES 33 times and call it a day, but where's the challenge in that?
• Keep it within the confines of newspaper taste Making an awkward or inappropriate analogy is one thing. Saying "Route 66 High's schedule is harder than John Wayne Gacy at a Pokemon convention" is quite another thing.
• Plagurizing will not be tolerated. Suck on your own merits.

Judging will be completed whenever the hell I feel like it. First place gets to put "inagural Sportsjournalists.com I Fail at Writing Sweepstakes winner" on his or her resume for when they apply for management jobs.

So get crapping!

 

[Trey Beamon]

It was a dark and stormy night. But the Wilmerding Dingbats didn't care -- they missed big Al Roker's morning weather report -- about a few rain drops. Or the thunder and lighting. They had their own high-pressure system in the backfield as Doobie Toker and John "Long" Dong dropped buckets of yards, a gust of big plays and a flood of touchdowns that would make post-Katrina New Orleans look like the kiddle pool sitting idle in the backyard.

 

[heyabbott]

(Brooklyn, New York) April 15, 1947. Former NL batting Champion, 'Pistol' Pete Reiser went 2 for 2 with 2 RBIs as the Dodgers beat the Boston Braves 5-3. Hal Gregg got the win for coach Clyde Sukeforth, interim manager for the suspended Leo Durocher.

 

[Jones]

Brian Gomez had always been told that lightning never struck the same place twice, and he believed that High Plains hokum to be true... Until Friday's late tilt in Kansas City, when first, he captured a bolt in a bottle and no-hit the Royals, and next -- only seconds later, after he had raised his arms into the electric night air in celebration, thus becoming the tallest point on the field -- he was blown out of his shoes by a twin-forked firecracker as deadly accurate as his two-seamed sizzler had been.

 

[MertWindu]

The River Bend Warriors put together a spectacular finish. One for the ages, really. In fact, it was exactly the kind of finish that starting pitcher David Smith was hoping for. Of course, he didn't see it, since he collapsed and died on the mound in the second inning due to what doctors are guessing is a brain aneurysm, but all the same, it was a nice way to the season for the once-lowly Warriors, who managed to end the year 15-10 after a tragic 0-6 start.

 

[slappy4428]

Here in Pollyannaville, the Homers are constantly in search of other teams to compare themselves. They don't want to settle them on the field of battle -- that would be easier than Paris Hilton after a dozen Absolut Cranberry martinis. No, they pile up loss after loss, then compare themselves to teams they didn't play, all in an effort to make them feel better about the rudderless ship that became the train wreck of a 2006 season. Friday was one of those nights, one of those losses -- and more than enough excuses to keep a brace of proctologists busy for a month.

 

[Double J]

The River Bend Warriors put together a spectacular finish. One for the ages, really. In fact, it was exactly the kind of finish that starting pitcher David Smith was hoping for. Of course, he didn't see it, since he collapsed and died on the mound in the second inning due to what doctors are guessing is a brain aneurysm, but all the same, it was a nice way to the season for the once-lowly Warriors, who managed to end the year 15-10 after a tragic 0-6 start.

The early clubhouse leader.

 

[DisembodiedOwlHead]

Words cannot describe what happened on the playing field here tonight. Heroes aren't supposed to be made in the season-opener. But somebody forgot to tell John Smith. He started the plays from scrimmage with one of the most spectacular 3-yard carries you will ever see. What a difference a year makes. But Polk High was forced to punt, and after another few change of series, Smith gained 23 yards. Art Bell scored the game's first points on a 30-yard field goal, but East Central rallied for a 27-23 overtime win during which its coach was led away in handcuffs, half of the team quit at halftime and a masked gunman wounded 14 people in the stands, interrupting the PA announcer's third-quarter 50/50 giveaway announcement.

 

[Trey Beamon]

I FOLLOUED KOBE HOMIE AFTAR THIE LAKERS-HAUKS GAME. IT WUZ HARDD TOO KIEP UPP ON MY BIGG WHEIL BUTT I MAD IT TOO HIZ HOUCE. I KNOXED ON THIE DOR BUTT NO ANSWERD. BEFWHORE I COUD SNEEK THRU A WINNDOUW HIS DOGZ ATACKED MIE. NOWW I HAV A GLAS EYE LIK STU SCOT. AL I WAUNTED WUZ AN AUTOGRAF FROM THIE CHARMION.

WATEVER...I STIL LUV U KOBE

EDIT: Oh, you wanted a gamer. :

 

[Precious Roy]

Youths had fun in the contest.

 

[slappy4428]

Youths had fun in the contest.

But did they try hard and cheer really loud?

 

[Piotr Rasputin]

The Podunk High boys basketball team found out what a difference a year makes as almost a year to the day after losing to Smallville High, they were in danger of doing so again before point guard John Jones stole the ball near midcourt as Smallville's Mike Smith dribbled to run out the clock, and drove the length of the court for the wide-open layup that gave Podunk its first win over Smallville in a span of 16 years during which Podunk was rarely competitive in the intra-city rivalry that dates back more than 30 years.

 

[Beef03]

It didn't matter that they lost their final game of the season in heart breaking fashion, 63-0 to Big City high, all that mattered to podunk high football team was that they had fun, especially senior quarterback Stan Smith who brought new meaning to the word warrior.

 

[jgmacg]

"There are no words to describe what this reporter just witnessed."

 

[Songbird]

The Podunk High boys basketball team found out what a difference a year makes as almost a year to the day after losing to Smallville High, they were in danger of doing so again before point guard John Jones stole the ball near midcourt as Smallville's Mike Smith dribbled to run out the clock, and drove the length of the court for the wide-open layup that gave Podunk its first win over Smallville in a span of 16 years during which Podunk was rarely competitive in the intra-city rivalry that dates back more than 30 years.

Funny.

 

[JayFarrar]

Columbine ends the season winless

By Jay Farrar
Staff writer

Staring down the double-barreled shotgun of a 0-10 football season, Columbine had every reason to come out guns blazing against arch-rival Fort Collins.
Instead of winning though, Columbine slipped the barrel into their mouths and Fort Collins quarterback Jack Jones pulled the trigger, as Columbine lost, 27-3. Jones, a senior, mowed down the Columbine secondary with a snipers percision and finished the game 9-of-11 for 218 yards and four touchdowns.
"It felt good to take them out," Jones said. "It was like shooting fish in a barrel."
Columbine, had elected to play this season, despite the recent tragedy where two of their students came into the school and killed seven classmates and two teachers.
Jeff Tweedy, Columbine's coach, defended the decision to play this season.
"Football is life," Tweedy said. "Playing sports is what teaches these kids how to handle problems. What happened was unfortunate, but it was more important to play football."

 

[Ensign Pulver]

I was born in the log cabin my father built.

 

[Norman Stansfield]

I FOLLOUED KOBE HOMIE AFTAR THIE LAKERS-HAUKS GAME. IT WUZ HARDD TOO KIEP UPP ON MY BIGG WHEIL BUTT I MAD IT TOO HIZ HOUCE. I KNOXED ON THIE DOR BUTT NO ANSWERD. BEFWHORE I COUD SNEEK THRU A WINNDOUW HIS DOGZ ATACKED MIE. NOWW I HAV A GLAS EYE LIK STU SCOT. AL I WAUNTED WUZ AN AUTOGRAF FROM THIE CHARMION.

WATEVER...I STIL LUV U KOBE

EDIT: Oh, you wanted a gamer. :

A true Pulitzer.

 

[PopeDirkBenedict]

Being born with a face that only Stevie Wonder could love, being born with legs that moved at the speed of Stephen Hawking trying to outrun a turtle and being born too dumb to know that he had less athletic ability than Gomer Pyle never stopped Johnny Heartwarming. Johnny always knew his day would come. He was patient as a dogged suitor in a romantic comedy that his mom always enjoys watching. And for one glorious play, the Podunk High benchwarmer running back watched as the gap opened wider than Paris Hilton's legs and he burst through the line -- as much as Johnny had the speed to burst through anything -- to glory. He sprinted down the sidelines to the sound of the cheers of the 18 fans that remained to the end in Podunk's 77-7 loss to Nowheresville on Friday. Johnny's run marked the high point -- the perfect note on which to end an 0-10 season where the Cardinals got outscored 567-10.

 

[Bubbler]

Columbine ends the season winless

By Jay Farrar
Staff writer

Staring down the double-barreled shotgun of a 0-10 football season, Columbine had every reason to come out guns blazing against arch-rival Fort Collins.
Instead of winning though, Columbine slipped the barrel into their mouths and Fort Collins quarterback Jack Jones pulled the trigger, as Columbine lost, 27-3. Jones, a senior, mowed down the Columbine secondary with a snipers percision and finished the game 9-of-11 for 218 yards and four touchdowns.
"It felt good to take them out," Jones said. "It was like shooting fish in a barrel."
Columbine, had elected to play this season, despite the recent tragedy where two of their students came into the school and killed seven classmates and two teachers.
Jeff Tweedy, Columbine's coach, defended the decision to play this season.
"Football is life," Tweedy said. "Playing sports is what teaches these kids how to handle problems. What happened was unfortunate, but it was more important to play football."

Putting on my editor hat ... "Hey asshole, you forgot a trenchcoat reference! Recast it!"

Seriously, Farrar, that's ****ed up. I laughed, which the acid test that it's REALLY ****ed up.