The ex dilemma

[Fake_handle]

After living together for many years, my ex and I parted ways a couple months back. It was exceedingly difficult - especially for me, I'm still not over her all the way, though I'm fairly certain she's over me - but remarkably clean. No anger, no **** YOU, no dragging each other through the mud, no destroying of possessions. I'm frankly shocked I had that much maturity in me.

I made all the right moves - took her name out of my contact list, deleted her from all the relevant places, got rid of all the pictures. But we recently got back in email contact over some logistical stuff, and we've broached the topic of trying to reconnect on a friend level at some point in the future. It seems like it's probably going to have to happen at some point - we have a great many mutual friends, and we hang out at the same places. That being said, it seems like the common sense move would be to keep contact severed.

I'm guessing many of you have experience with this. So, what to do? Has it worked out OK for you? Has it been a disaster? What's a realistic time frame to wait before making the initial contact? Thanks Abby!

 

[GoochMan]

Stay in touch, stay somewhat close. that way you can have breakup sex...Over and Over and Over again.

 

[WazzuGrad00]

If I were you, I wouldn't be the one to re-initiate contact. Especially if you're not sure about your feelings.

Let it happen naturally, and only when you're ready.

 

[WazzuGrad00]

Also ... it's generally been a disaster.

 

[Lester Bangs]

Have been in contact with all but one of my long-term exes and it's always been friendly and all that. I wish them well, they wish me well ... but it's also always been damn awkward. There's usually a reason people decide to part company and it's not because you want to stop having sex. Many times it's because one of you (or both) has learned to dislike the other to such a degree that you decide to terminate a relationship. If time allows the memory of that dislike to fade, odds are it will come back.

 

[Sean Smyth]

Wait. A long time. (Everyone's definition of "long" varies, so maybe you'll consider six months long enough.) You can be friends at some point later on in life, but you need to let the tension dissipate, and in most cases it won't happen overnight.

 

[Fake_handle]

If I were you, I wouldn't be the one to re-initiate contact. Especially if you're not sure about your feelings.

Let it happen naturally, and only when you're ready.

Well, she's the one who pulled the trigger, and she's the one who started making noise about getting back in contact. I don't think she wants to get back together, and I think she genuinely can't understand why a meeting would be tough.

 

[Editude]

It's different, clearly, when the ex is a former spouse, but I would say to think in terms of friendly rather than friends. If you run in similar circles, be friendly in those settings. Having one-on-one calls/e-mails/coffees? Don't really see the point.

 

[Cadet]

Why don't you ask Matt Leinart?

 

[Lester Bangs]

Why don't you ask Matt Leinart?

Tremendous

 

[Write-brained]

It's different, clearly, when the ex is a former spouse, but I would say to think in terms of friendly rather than friends. If you run in similar circles, be friendly in those settings. Having one-on-one calls/e-mails/coffees? Don't really see the point.

Bingo.

 

[WazzuGrad00]

If I were you, I wouldn't be the one to re-initiate contact. Especially if you're not sure about your feelings.

Let it happen naturally, and only when you're ready.

Well, she's the one who pulled the trigger, and she's the one who started making noise about getting back in contact. I don't think she wants to get back together, and I think she genuinely can't understand why a meeting would be tough.

If you're at a point when you're OK being introduced to her new flame, then go for it. If that would kill you a little inside, wait some more.

 

[buckweaver]

If you're conflicted, even 1 percent ... wait longer.

You can be friends later ... but not if the emotion is still there. Not yet.

 

[Fake_handle]

If I were you, I wouldn't be the one to re-initiate contact. Especially if you're not sure about your feelings.

Let it happen naturally, and only when you're ready.

Well, she's the one who pulled the trigger, and she's the one who started making noise about getting back in contact. I don't think she wants to get back together, and I think she genuinely can't understand why a meeting would be tough.

If you're at a point when you're OK being introduced to her new flame, then go for it. If that would kill you a little inside, wait some more.

I've been going with the bone-anything-that-walks approach, thinking it would steel me for that inevitability. Not so much, as it turns out.

 

[WazzuGrad00]

It's too early then.

 

[Flying Headbutt]

IF it can work, and that's nothing more than an IF right now and many months from now too, you must wait a while. You don't give up something that lasted a few years and then stay in touch right away. It'll just cause problems later, trust me on that.

 

[Cadet]

It's different, clearly, when the ex is a former spouse, but I would say to think in terms of friendly rather than friends.

Just to pick on a point, are you saying there's a difference between the end of a "living together for many years" relationship and a marriage? Because I don't think either is any easier, one just involves lawyers.

 

[Fake_handle]

It's different, clearly, when the ex is a former spouse, but I would say to think in terms of friendly rather than friends.

Just to pick on a point, are you saying there's a difference between the end of a "living together for many years" relationship and a marriage? Because I don't think either is any easier, one just involves lawyers.

That's pretty much what my old man said – it's divorce without the paperwork.

 

[Cadet]

Yup. How was the division of stuff? Amicable? Is one of you in a worse living situation than before? That kind of stuff can impact any future friendship, if there is lingering resentment.

 

[ArnoldBabar]

Wait. A long time. (Everyone's definition of "long" varies, so maybe you'll consider six months long enough.) You can be friends at some point later on in life, but you need to let the tension dissipate, and in most cases it won't happen overnight.

Exactly. It can work, but not now, and not any time soon. Think years. You can come to a point where the things you liked about each other initially, you still like -- but completely divorced from the feelings.

No matter how much you try to talk yourself into it, you can't handle "reconnecting as friends" now. It's been well proven by many before you.