The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

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Interviewing a pitcher who leads the league in HRs allowed.

I asked, "Do the guys on the team ever give you a hard time about it?"

The pitcher, "Yeah, all the time, but when I come back into the dugout after giving one up, I just tell them, 'I supplied the power on that one.' Oh yeah, and Joey PowerHitter asked me if I'd pitch to him in the home run hitting contest."
 
Ace said:
hondo said:
Got this third-hand. When FSU was going through their first wave of horse**** kickers in the early 1990s, one of them, Dan Mowrey, announced he was going to see a sports psychologist. One of the hacks asked Bowden how coaches "30 or 40 years ago" dealt with kickers who couldn't make extra points, backs who fumbled, receivers who dropped balls and quarterbacks who couldn't hit water from a boat, since there was no such thing as a sports psychologist back then.
His reply: "30 or 40 years ago, you could hit 'em."
Quote got cut or never made it in the papers because the P.C. police on the desk thought Bowden -- everyone's favorite old Grand-Dad -- was advocating abusing players.

I had this one cut from my copy. Covering an LPGA event in the 90s. Val Skinner was a pretty good player for a few years back then, and very funny (she reminded you of a barmaid in a redneck dive). Anyway, on the last two holes of one round, she double-bogeyed a par-3, then eagled a par-5. She started talking about how she was maturing as a player, and I asked: "Does that mean there was a time in your career when you wouldn't have responded that well to a double-bogey?"
Her reply: "Actually, there's a time every month I don't respond well to a double-bogey."
I wrote it. Got cut. What's more, I was called by the desk and told it was cut by a female M.E. because the quote "was degrading to women."
When I reminded them a woman said it, I was met with silence. No one had a good P.C. explanation for that one.
But the quote never made it.

Good stories, hondo. This is what is one thing that is really wrong with newspapers. We are editing the life out of them.


Thank God for this one....where is Howard Stern when you need him. Sports pages are starting to become the meaningless drivel we never thought they would be.
 
One time I was standing nearby, waiting for the prep baseball coach to get done with his post-game meeting with his players after they lost in the game to go to the state tournament.

Coach shakes his head and looks at his players; "Gosh, what a great bunch of kids."

Catcher replies: "A lot of ****ing good that does us now."
 
expendable said:
I've had a high school football coach tell me to just use his "normal cliches".  When I told him that I couldn't do that, he replied:  "Then reuse your tape from last Friday.  Only difference is that we're a week ****tier."

Same coach:  One night when I was on the sidelines on the 25-yard line his quarterback had just called his second timeout in as many plays.
Afterwards, he  turns to me and throws out three beauties:  "Shame is that boy wouldn't know what to do with a bucket full of pussies...I swear on his wedding night I'm going to get a call with him asking me what to do next...We run two plays, run left, run right.  How ****in' hard of a decision can that be?"

I was trying my best to keep from laughing, but  I did manage to respond, "Have him run up the middle.  It might save you a phone call."

I never really understood the idea of a "bucket full of pussies", but it was funny at the time. 

That guy should be coaching NCAA Division I-A or the NFL---just because he'd be the funniest guy out there.
 
At a Bulls NBA Finals practice, I think in '96 against Seattle and I notice Salley by himself, watching everyone else be interviewed. I ask him, given his deep backup role, if it gets frustrating being on the team or if winning is enough.
"Frustrated?" he says, "I'm happier than a faggot with a sack full of dicks."
 
hondo said:
expendable said:
I've had a high school football coach tell me to just use his "normal cliches".  When I told him that I couldn't do that, he replied:  "Then reuse your tape from last Friday.  Only difference is that we're a week ****tier."

Same coach:  One night when I was on the sidelines on the 25-yard line his quarterback had just called his second timeout in as many plays.
Afterwards, he  turns to me and throws out three beauties:  "Shame is that boy wouldn't know what to do with a bucket full of pussies...I swear on his wedding night I'm going to get a call with him asking me what to do next...We run two plays, run left, run right.  How ****in' hard of a decision can that be?"

I was trying my best to keep from laughing, but  I did manage to respond, "Have him run up the middle.  It might save you a phone call."

I never really understood the idea of a "bucket full of pussies", but it was funny at the time. 

That guy should be coaching NCAA Division I-A or the NFL---just because he'd be the funniest guy out there.

He's an old army salt coaching high school football. Sometimes I think he's testing me to see if I'll run an obscenity-laced tirade. Not me. Not at this shop. I enjoy eating and sleeping in a warm dry place too much.
 
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this one is from so long ago i don't even want to think of the date:

state basketball tournament in georgia. team from my coverage area might have had the best team in the state, but managed to yak it up and lose in the quarterfinals. coach was in the locker room a LONG time. when he came out, he uttered words that will live in infamy: "If we didn't play like ****, there ain't a cow in texas."

i worked hard trying to figure out how to get it in but not dilute it. just wasn't happening.
 
Two stand out from the past...

Approximately one year after Albert Belle was put on the DL by the Orioles I was asked to find a player who had kept in touch and find out what Belle was doing.

I knew Brady Anderson had recently talked to him so I caught him after the game on a Friday night. When I asked what he thought Belle was doing he looked at the clock and said, "It's 10:30 on Friday night. He's probably ****ing some girl."
Anderson then left smiling because he knew I could never use it.

A few years earlier I was asked to query players about whether they thought the ball was juiced. As luck would have it the Royals were in town and Bo Jackson was still on the team.

When I asked him what he thought, his eyes widened, he stood up in his underwear, he swung a bat over his head and he began to run around the locker room shouting at every player, "You got to hit the ****ing ball first don't you."
 
Years ago at a colllege football practice - at a I-AA school, where practices unlike in I-A are open to reporters/public - me and the school reporter are interviewing the coach about his quarterback's back-to-back horrible games, and I ask him a question about the kid's mechanics. Coach replies, "It's not his mechanics. With him, it's all mental. He's got his head so far up his ass and so far up his girlfriend's ass that he doesn't know if its day or night this year." No exaggeration, right after that, as we're snickering, the kid throws a lame duck interception against the second-string defense. Coach looks at me and cracks, "See, right now he's thinking about pretty little Suzie's oral technique." He immediately walks away and starts reaming the kid. Funny as ****.
 
This morning watching a conditioning drill at a local high school, the grizzled old coach is getting pissed off watching his receivers drop pass after pass on simple little tosses.

He holds out his arms, wiggles his fingers, looks at his left, then his right hands and says:

"These aren't just for drinkin' beer and smokin' .... you're also supposed to catch the football with these -- dammit!"
 
From the news desk, but a good one.

After covering a city council meeting that ended in a pretty heated argument between the mayor and a councilman, I asked the mayor what the argument was really about.

"Joe's a cocksucker. That's what it's about," he replied with about 15 people in earshot.
 
We all used this quote which I found online, but not from my story, from a guy coaching baseball at his alma mater who never homered about a player with a similar name who did homer for the first time.

"That's depressing that with the way he swings he hit a home run and I didn't," coach said. "I've never seen a dugout get so excited."

We all thought it was funny, but I saw said player out a few nights later and he was pretty pissed about it as their relationship wasn't so rosy.
 
About ten years ago,a kid from Oklahoma State (Jake Benz) wins an NCAA baseball regional in the bottom of the 9th with a home run. We start interviewing him right there on the field, and it's loud, and the crowd's going nuts, and the music's playing. Someone asks him the obvious question about the home run, and the kid yells...

"I was sittin' fastball, and he threw me one... right down the ****ter"

Another one: A guy who is a current Big 12 hoops coach, at one of his previous schools, was asked about the academics of one of his star players...

"Dante's what I like to call 'summa cum eligible' "
 
A soccer coach at an area tournament watching his chubby goalie continuously get scored. He says about her lack of ability stopping the soccer balls, "I bet if it were a ****in cupcake, she'd grab it."
 
One of our local baseball coaches, whose team reached the big-school state finals here in Illinois this year after finishing 4th a year ago, provided me with a great one after his team built a 6-0 lead in the quarterfinals only to lose 8-7.

"I just want to walk out into that grove of trees and scream **** at the top of my lungs. Then I might feel better."
 
Working on a football tab story about how advances in computer technology have changed the way coaches prepare for games and interviewed the local AD, who gout out of coaching a couple of years ago after more than 30 years on the sidelines.

His take on some of the latest gadgets: It fascinates me that it can be done that way. Of course, a lighted match fascinates me.
 
Working on football previews. League alignments have changed and two new teams added to a division. New reporter meets coach for first time.
"What do you think of Team 1 and Team 2 joining the division?"
"Christ, Team 1 thinks they're the best thing since sliced bread and Team 2 thinks they invented football so bring 'em on."
After some debate, we went without because it's high school.
 
A year or two ago, trying to track down kids from the school's cross country team via facebook. Knew names of some kids but didn't know their numbers (at least not until I checked their facebook pages).

Anyway, this runner kid quotes his coach saying this [paraphrased]: "The only things you should have before 10 in the morning are a beer, a 5-mile run and a piece of ass." Considering the coach that said it was an old, creepy dude, it was some funny stuff and landed on the office quote board.
 

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