Should marriage be monogamous?

[Dick Whitman]

Couple of interesting pieces recently in Slate.

One on a book about women's sexuality, and how women may not be as un-adventurous as we give them credit for:

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/05/28/monogamous_sex_boring_for_women.html

And also, as mentioned on the gay marriage thread, a piece about how gay couples are usually not monogamous:

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/06/26/most_gay_couples_aren_t_monogamous_will_straight_couples_go_monogamish.html

Anyway, I don't have a super-strong opinion one way or the other. Slate seems to push this button quite a bit, though.

Is marriage, as we know it, sexually oppressive? Would you be up for mutual occassional hall passes? Or is Slate just trying to stir the pot, per usual?

 

[dreunc1542]

A longer and more nuanced look at the topic appeared in the NYT a couple years ago: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0.

 

[Captain Obvious]

Is a monogamous marriage a relatively new idea, especially for the upper class?

 

[LongTimeListener]

A longer and more nuanced look at the topic appeared in the NYT a couple years ago: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0.

Yeah that's the one I mentioned on the other thread. It was Dan Savage explaining how straight couples would do better adopting the gay couples' practice of giving a night out every now and then. That did not seem like the most logical way to approach it, but maybe there's something to it.

Anyway, it's a strange concept to me. But, you know, stuff works for people, I guess.

 

[dreunc1542]

That's part of Savage's point, but a bit reductionist. What he drives at is that since people are different, it's up to the couple to decide if monogamy is right for them or not. If it is, then do that, and if it's not, then be comfortable allowing each other a night out every once in a while.

He's really just calling for more communication, and a need for people to be honest about what they want from a relationship.

 

[LongTimeListener]

I speak for everyone on the board when I say I want to meet you and your wife, dre!

I have heard secondhand about this in our neighborhood. A friend told us she had overheard her friend talking about a party they had just had and all the fun that went on ... To be honest it almost sounded like the "friend of a friend" line was actually our friend scoping out potential interest. A bit of a weird night.

 

[dreunc1542]

I speak for everyone on the board when I say I want to meet you and your wife, dre!

I have heard secondhand about this in our neighborhood. A friend told us she had overheard her friend talking about a party they had just had and all the fun that went on ... To be honest it almost sounded like the "friend of a friend" line was actually our friend scoping out potential interest. A bit of a weird night.

I know that I could only be in a monogamous relationship. I don't begrudge the people who don't think it's for them their fun, though.

 

[Captain Obvious]

A key party would be fun, except for the woman stuck with the ugly guy (Me).

 

[Bodie_Broadus]

Monogamy isn't natural.

 

[LongTimeListener]

A key party would be fun, except for the woman stuck with the ugly guy (Me).

Speak for yourself. I've been told I'd be the first pick of our street draft. Of course, that was 20 pounds ago and before the 25-year-old ex-Marine moved in. And before the 24-year-old woman with the Double-Ds moved out.

 

[YankeeFan]

A truly special commitment is one in which you're allowed to also **** anyone else who tickles your fancy.

A high school girlfriend of mine once said the idea of abstaining from premarital sex made as much sense to her as abstaining from premarital tennis.

As a repressed Catholic, that was pretty enlightening to hear.

Now, if you follow that logic, extra-marital sex would be equivalent to extra-marital tennis.

Now, obviously there's an intimacy level reached in sexual relations that is not reached in a match of tennis. But, I don't judge. If it works for couples, more power to them.

 

[Batman]

Can't believe Freqposter hasn't chimed in on this yet. The corn must me high this time of year.

 

[Big Circus]

Mixed doubles!

 

[Evil ... Thy name is Orville Redenbacher!!]

Yes. Simply yes.
Marriage is what it is. it's supposed to be a life-long commitment. If you can't abide by that don't do it. Don't.
There's a lot to be said about communication between couples and discovering what you want in and out of a marriage. Pre Cana classes and marriage retreat weekends help flesh some of this out.
And yeah 5, 7, 10, 15, 20 years in things change and people grow apart and yadda, yadda, yadda ... which again goes back to the need for communication with your spouse.. But a hall pass or a free weekend? Get the **** out of here.
I guess it's a nice thing to think about, but in reality? At the end of the day - using a hall pass - is telling your spouse in no uncertain terms you aren't measuring up and I need more of what you can't or are unwilling to provide.
I don't think there's anything wrong with communicating that - but acting on it? No.
You're supposed to be an adult. Mature.
Cheating on your spouse - hall pass or no - is bull****.

I have friends who are or were in miserable marriages. I have no sympathy for them. They made the choice. And I have no respect for those who stray. I place a very high value on Loyalty.

My two cents anyway

 

[dooley_womack1]

Regarding YF's wife: No. Please?

 

[Bodie_Broadus]

How many marriages end in divorce?

Half. Case-closed.

 

[LongTimeListener]

How many marriages end in divorce?

Half. Case-closed.

OK, I'll bite.

This closes the case how?

 

[dooley_womack1]

But I woiuld venture to say that less than half of that half go wrong because of infidelity. So many other reasons: Abuse, one partner becoming an addict, death of a child, mental illness, conflicting goals, and so on.

 

[LongTimeListener]

But I woiuld venture to say that less than half of that half go wrong because of infidelity. So many other reasons: Abuse, one partner becoming an addict, death of a child, mental illness, conflicting goals, and so on.

Don't most studies say money is the overwhelming #1 reason?

 

[Mizzougrad96]

I think there is a lot to be said for getting whatever you need to get out of your system when you're single. I know a lot of people who have been complete hounds when they were single who became as loyal as one could be as soon as they met the woman they wound up marrying.

I think there are a lot of people who get married young and this becomes a bigger issue for them.

And to risk sounding too much like a traditionalist, but hell yes it should be monogamous. If you don't think you can be monogamous, then don't get married.