RIP HandsomeHarley's mother

[HandsomeHarley]

How do you react when the woman who birthed you, forced you to second-hand-smoke for 18 years, beat you, called you every name in the book, and said "I love you" twice the first 25 years of your life, passes away 1,300 miles away?

I've seen my mother exactly twice in the past 10 years. None of my family is close.

So why do I have this empty feeling inside? Guilt? The realization that now both parents and all four grandparents are gone?

Just venting ...

 

[Flash]

You can feel the loss of something that could have been or should have been. You still lost your mother. Grieve. Be strong.

And I'm sending hugs through the cyber world.

 

[Songbird]

Condolences, brother.

 

[Angola!]

I don't really know what to say HH, but condolences, man.

 

[wickedwritah]

Harley, wish I could offer more than "Sorry."

If you need anything, vent here or through PMs. People here are here for you.

 

[mike311gd]

Sounds like a pretty volatile relationship, but hang in there, guy. The reasoning for the empty feeling will hit you. Until recently, my parents and I weren't on "normal" speaking terms, according to others families I know. We'd talk at holidays and birthdays, and that's how it was since I left for college in 2001.

It took a pretty bad accident to bring us a little closer, and now we're OK. Not great or "normal," but OK. The whole family is tighter now. Maybe that'll happen for you, if that's something you want.

I'd just try to remember the good times you had with your mom, if there were any. And as long as you're at peace with everything, there's nothing much else you can do. Take care of yourself, and try not to get bogged down with these feelings. Keep busy, and they'll catch up to you when you're ready to deal with them.

 

[outofplace]

Harley, no matter how bad things got, she was your mother. And no matter what else she was, losing her is going to hurt. Let it. Be sad. Be angry. Don't question it. You feel how you feel. There is no right or wrong way to handle death.

And understand that from what I read, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Not one thing.

I can say I know for a fact that there is a unique kind of pain that comes with losing a parent you had a difficult relationship with. You know that there is no more time to set it right, no more time for them to make it up to you. It makes you face everything that went wrong again. I've been there. So have others here.

I'm sure you were long past needing her to change, but maybe there is some small part of you that is still the small boy that just wants his mother to treat him better.

My sympathies on your loss.

 

[OTD]

HH, good luck. I feel for you as I suspect I'll be going through a similar thing one of these days.

Hang in there.

 

[Tommy_Dreamer]

As someone who has already lost their mother I can sympathize with you.

It is indeed an empty feeling. I was very close to my mother and not so much to my father before she died. After she passed me and my father became really close, I guess he realized we (my brother and I) were all he had left in the world with his parents already gone.

Even in passing my mother was doing some greater good.

I'm sorry you weren't close with your mother, but it doesn't change the fact that you will always have an emptiness in your heart now that she's gone.

The last thing I ever said to my mother, over the phone mind you since I was 7 hours away, was I love you. Most don't have that luxury. That's why I tell all my friends to always end with that statement when you speak to your family, because you just never know.

I don't know your situation Harley, but I can sympathize on every level. Prayers out to you.

 

[Colton]

Condolences, HH. Hang in there, buddy.

 

[ArnoldBabar]

You react in whatever way comes naturally. There are obviously some tough dynamics at play here, but ultimately she was your mother, and that always means something.

Don't worry about whether you're grieving too much or not enough. Just feel how you feel, and be well.

 

[old_tony]

My condolences, Harley.

No matter what the relationship was, each and every one of us only gets one mother.

Because of that, embrace the empty feeling and you'll hopefully learn to understand it.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

 

[hockeybeat]

My condolences, HH.

If there's anything I can do to help, please PM me.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

Our condolences, HH.

I had a parent that I didn't get to see much, either. With me, I did question "What if?" Some will say that's hindsight and useless; I counter that it's human.

Hang in there, and know that we're thinking of you.

 

[writing irish]

My condolences, Harley.

No matter what the relationship was, each and every one of us only gets one mother.

Because of that, embrace the empty feeling and you'll hopefully learn to understand it.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

/\ yes.


Losing a parent with whom one had a difficult relationship is, I think, harder in many ways than losing a "good" parent. The finality of the relationship ending while still unsatisfactory is terrible. Apologies and forgiveness are witheld on both sides and then- oh ****, now it's over.

When my dad, who was basically a dickhead (although a charming and funny dickhead) passed away, I was amazed at how I had only hurt myself through my inability to forgive him for his innumerable failures as a parent. It had seemed so important, somehow, to hold onto my resentments- otherwise I'd be letting him off the hook (oh no, not that!). Then as soon as he died- my resentments died with him. All the bitterness in my heart vanished, leaving only love- love that I never adequately, in my view, expressed while he was still here.

Seems like with parents, a child thinks the parent can do no wrong, a teenager thinks a parent can do no right, and an adult realizes that a parent is a fallible human being and does the best he or she can. Sometimes it's mind-boggling how someone can do their best and still totally suck. But that doesn't mean they weren't trying- it just means they weren't quite up to the challenge. That's part of being human. Event the strongest of us are capable of weakness and inadequacy. And the weakest of us- well, you know.

No pit of despair is deeper than God's love. Forgiveness is all of ours for the asking. Hope you find comfort in knowing that things really do end up ok in the end, however un-ok they may seem at times.

 

[JayFarrar]

Sorry for your loss.
We'll all be there someday.
Try to make the funeral, it's a gesture, but a powerful one.

 

[HandsomeHarley]

Thanks, everyone.

My mother and I actually spoke on the phone a couple of times in the past five years. I always tried to call her on her birthday (Christmas Day), but always seemed to find reasons to forget.

We did get to the point where we could talk, but there were obvious topics I had to avoid. And she lived in such a world of denial, it was crazy. For instance, nobody could ever broach the subject of the "big brother" that we had who was put in a home after he was dropped on his head when he was a baby. Nobody knows anything about him because of her.

There will be no funeral. She was living near my little brother in North Carolina and nobody has money. My brother got some credit to have her cremated, and we're hoping to have a sibling reunion sometime next year and sprinkle her ashes at our father's grave in Missouri.

I am close with one sister, who lives about 4 1/2 hours from me. Another sister is about 6 hours away. The other three siblings I haven't seen since 1991.

I'm just hoping to have a job by then.

 

[wickedwritah]

HH, take a day or two off and spend some time by yourself or with your friends, if you have any close by. Don't advise getting blitzed unless you can control that habit; but go out and do something for you.

You'll need it in the coming days and weeks, I'm sure.

 

[HandsomeHarley]

Every day is a day off. I'm still looking for a job.
Fortunately, I don't drink much, and don't have the dough to do so anyway.
I've started going on walks. Good exercise and I can be alone with my thoughts.

 

[Dan Rydell]

Hang in there, Harley. Sounds like you did the best that anyone could expect.

Best not to look back and wonder why, or what if. You had a tough hand to begin with.

And better times are ahead if you don't let this stuff overwhelm you.