Next up ..... You? Me?

[Matt1735]

With the empowerment of abuse and harassment victims, are you left looking back over your past 10, 15, or 20 years wondering if a hug was misinterpreted or an off-color joke was told to the wrong audience?

I'm sure I said the wrong thing to the wrong person more than once in my life. I don't think I'm in a position where people will come after me.

But there are a lot on this board who are in more public positions than me. Are you worried that something from the 1980s or 90s could come back and make you the next?

 

[TheSportsPredictor]

Geraldo?

 

[playthrough]

I am quite thankful that there weren't cell phones when I was in college. Just because I was a jackass, not for anything heavy like all this stuff.

 

[LongTimeListener]

I'm sure I said the wrong thing to the wrong person more than once in my life.

Unless I'm mistaken, this has not been the issue in any of these cases. It's about actions.

I'm good there. Truthfully I don't even think I'd be all that bad in an accounting of words and off-color jokes, though I wouldn't be perfect. But let's not muddy the waters on what the issue is here and join the (growing at an alarming rate) chorus saying it's just too damn difficult to be a man anymore.

 

[Dick Whitman]

I was so scared to touch girls and so bad at reading signals that I sleep pretty soundly at night.

 

[BadgerBeer]

Funny you asked. I have never been comfortable hugging everyone but all of our younger friends do this all the time(I'm 55). A couple of weeks ago a woman that I have interviewed weekly for the last 6 years was named executive director of her organization (huge pay increase and very important position) and the board President made the announcement on my show. She told me before the show and I gave her a hug (We have become friends and she has become a friend of my wife as well). There was nothing strange about it but now after all of the recent news my first thought was...why did I do that? It was just a natural reaction as I used what little influence I have to promote her for the gig. It kind of sucks that one needs to be paranoid about every little thing but I guess this is the new normal. Other than this I can honestly say I can't think of anything in my past that would get me in trouble. At least not any inappropriate groping, plenty of drunken stupidity and college drug use and a few crazy consenual relationships that would preclude me from running for office.

 

[Vombatus]

I limit myself to handshakes and fistbumps.

 

[wicked]

I limit myself to handshakes and fistbumps.

Post-sex high-fives only for me.

Not to be a wiseass, but I think the line between being an asshole and not being one is very thick and very yellow and very visible.

 

[typefitter]

This stuff coming to light has meant that I sometimes think about certain moments in my life and how I would play them differently now.

For instance. When I was a professor, I had a female student in my class, a mature student who I liked very much. She was just a cool person, had lived an interesting life. (There was zero sexual tension, either way. I feel a need to make that clear.) She came to my office once, really upset. She felt as though I didn't like her, and she said that how I behaved toward her in class made her think that. The truth was that I liked her a bunch—she was one of my favourite students, very smart and capable—and I had subconsciously put her in some kind of "I don't need to worry about her, she'll be fine" box. So I didn't give her the same attention that I was giving some of my struggling kids. Anyway, she came to my office, and she started to cry. I shut the door, which I was told never to do, but it was just basic human instinct, because there were lots of people in the hall. We talked it out—a long, good conversation, but a pretty emotional one, too. I asked after if she wanted a hug. (I am a hugger, or I used to be.) She said, "I could really use a hug." We hugged. That was it. She said she felt better. Everything was totally fine after. We've stayed in touch over the years.

But now? I'm almost certain I wouldn't close the door, and I definitely would not ask if she wanted a hug. And I think that's probably the right approach, and I made mistakes back then. But I do think a little about what would have been lost, too. I'd like to think she feels good about that moment if she even remembers it, but maybe she doesn't. I don't know. Some of this stuff is really complicated.

 

[DanOregon]

People act like one or two instances could blow a career. It's not that. Hell, I've worked with people that were only "touchy, feely" with the more attractive women in the office, -people that behaved in a way that made others uncomfortable to witness.
Women don't want to make a stink over it, but also don't want to have people think they are "cool" with it either. Treat everyone the same way, with respect and professionalism, and it shouldn't be a problem.

 

[Dick Whitman]

People act like one or two instances could blow a career. It's not that. Hell, I've worked with people that were only "touchy, feely" with the more attractive women in the office, -people that behaved in a way that made others uncomfortable to witness.
Women don't want to make a stink over it, but also don't want to have people think they are "cool" with it either. Treat everyone the same way, with respect and professionalism, and it shouldn't be a problem.

This seems pretty easy:

Don't ****ing touch your co-workers.

Don't ****ing pat them.

Don't ****ing hug them.

Don't ****ing "accidentally place your hand on their open shirt and move it up six inches."

Keep your ****ing hands to yourself.

You learn that in first grade.

 

[Buck]

I asked the same woman out multiple times when she clearly had not interest in me.
In fact, I'd say she actively disliked me.
Probably because I was badgering her.

But it wasn't someone with whom I worked.
I didn't call her or stalk her. She was in her late 20s, and I was in my early 30s.
I'd see her out and about. We had several mutual acquaintances.
But I realized I was a creep, and I stopped.

 

[JC]

I asked the same woman out multiple times when she clearly had not interest in me.
In fact, I'd say she actively disliked me.
Probably because I was badgering her.

But it wasn't someone with whom I worked.
I didn't call her or stalk her. She was in her late 20s, and I was in my early 30s.
I'd see her out and about. We had several mutual acquaintances.
But I realized I was a creep, and I stopped.

Restraining order?

 

[Buck]

Nope, nothing like that at all.

 

[bumpy mcgee]

You, me, them...everybody? Everybody!

 

[Stoney]

This seems pretty easy:

Don't ****ing touch your co-workers.

Don't ****ing pat them.

Don't ****ing hug them.

Don't ****ing "accidentally place your hand on their open shirt and move it up six inches."

Keep your ****ing hands to yourself.

You learn that in first grade.

Can I at least show them my ****?

I promise no touching.

 

[LongTimeListener]

I learned very clearly in first grade that I was not to masturbate into a potted plant with a female present.

Those nuns thought of everything, man.

 

[DanOregon]

People really need to realize though that it isn't just the person who is the object of the harassment who is affected. Everyone who witnesses it is affected by it. And they might be the person who makes the call to HR.

 

[Buck]

I


Can I at least show them my ****?

I promise no touching.

Yes, cell phone pics are acceptable for that.

 

[jr/shotglass]

People really need to realize though that it isn't just the person who is the object of the harassment who is affected. Everyone who witnesses it is affected by it. And they might be the person who makes the call to HR.

I spoke to a female friend in the office the morning the Lauer firing came down.

She related an incident 15, 20 years ago when a male co-worker continually made unwanted verbal advances and lewd comments to her. Finally, one day in the break room, he did it and she read him the riot act.

Ten minutes later, she saw the guy in their supervisor's office; it appeared that he overheard the conversation while passing by. Minutes later, he was escorted from the building.

The supervisor then called her into the office. He told her that first of all, he was sorry that this had happened. And second, she should not have kept it to herself.

She asked, "Did you fire him over this?" He said, "I fired him over this and the four other women who did come to me with complaints."