Neighbor problem

[Inky_Wretch]

I need advice about a problem with my next-door neighbor. I'll try to make it brief.

In Nov. 2021, my next-door neighbor's wife died. She'd dealt with numerous brain tumors over 18 years (the same kind that ice skater Scott Hamilton has). She was a rock for family, church and our community. She left behind her husband, two daughters and a son. The oldest is now a third-grade teacher about 200 miles from here, the middle daughter is a college student in Boston and the son is a senior in high school.

About six months after his wife's death, the husband started dating this woman. Probably sooner than I thought was appropriate, but whatever.

The problem is that earlier this year, the father moved in with his girlfriend. Not officially. But he went from spending one or two nights per week to spending every night at her place. He comes by his house once or twice per week - but never to spend the night. (The GF won't spend the night at the house because she doesn't want to leave her 15yo daughter alone.) So his 17-year-old son is living by himself. His dad Venmos money to him for groceries and still pays the house bills.

I don't know what to do. I've chewed the dad's ass about abandoning his son. I check on the kid every day. I am trying to fill in as best I can. But I feel like I need to be doing something more.

I don't want to involve the authorities - though a big part of me thinks a parent abandoning a minor should be reported. Is it just a matter of doing what I can, when I can, for the kid? And how do I balance trying to spend enough time with my 15yo and wife and the next-door-neighbor?

TL;DR - My next-door neighbor has abandoned his 17yo son. What do I do?

 

[Slacker]

I need advice about a problem with my next-door neighbor. I'll try to make it brief.

In Nov. 2021, my next-door neighbor's wife died. She'd dealt with numerous brain tumors over 18 years (the same kind that ice skater Scott Hamilton has). She was a rock for family, church and our community. She left behind her husband, two daughters and a son. The oldest is now a third-grade teacher about 200 miles from here, the middle daughter is a college student in Boston and the son is a senior in high school.

About six months after his wife's death, the husband started dating this woman. Probably sooner than I thought was appropriate, but whatever.

The problem is that earlier this year, the father moved in with his girlfriend. Not officially. But he went from spending one or two nights per week to spending every night at her place. He comes by his house once or twice per week - but never to spend the night. (The GF won't spend the night at the house because she doesn't want to leave her 15yo daughter alone.) So his 17-year-old son is living by himself. His dad Venmos money to him for groceries and still pays the house bills.

I don't know what to do. I've chewed the dad's ass about abandoning his son. I check on the kid every day. I am trying to fill in as best I can. But I feel like I need to be doing something more.

I don't want to involve the authorities - though a big part of me thinks a parent abandoning a minor should be reported. Is it just a matter of doing what I can, when I can, for the kid? And how do I balance trying to spend enough time with my 15yo and wife and the next-door-neighbor?

TL;DR - My next-door neighbor has abandoned his 17yo son. What do I do?

What does the kid say? Maybe best not to jump into the hornets nest, but being there for daily talks is a good thing.

 

[Inky_Wretch]

What does the kid say? Maybe best not to jump into the hornets nest, but being there for daily talks is a good thing.

Since he was the baby of the family, he was a mama's boy - in the best way. He lost both his parents, one to death and one to another family, in less than two years. He's hurting. He talks **** about his dad abandoning him. He tells me and a couple of the other neighborhood dads about how his dad is already planning to sell the house ASAP after high school graduation because he needs the money to buy a house with enough land for his GF's horses.

The kid puts on a brave face. He's always "I'm fine, I've got food and the electricity is on." I've gotten to where I don't talk about his dad with him, because I don't want to poison the well. So we talk sports and school.

 

[User 1019]

Fix the kid a dinner one night a week, support him, and help him with his homework if he needs it. Maybe the dad can rent the house to him for cheap after he graduates if college is nearby.

Reporting the ****ty dad won't make anything better for the kid.

 

[Slacker]

Damn, that's a tough one. But the kid knows brighter days are ahead after he finishes high school, right?

At the least, he should be looking at all his options for when he breaks free from this bull****.

 

[Slacker]

The more he can talk with trusted adults around him, the healthier perspective and confidence he can gain about his current situation, which is only temporary in the big picture. Teachers, school counselors ... anyone else that can help with his self-esteem during his senior year?

I'm just scatter-shooting, and out of my element. But I hope things go well with this guy.

 

[BTExpress]

Why can't the 15yo daughter come with the GF to the dad's house? And why can't the 17yo son come with the dad to the GF's house?

 

[Spartan Squad]

Keep an eye on him and offer whatever help you feel comfortable giving. Let him me there is someone he can go to.

If it is too much for you or you see things getting worse, you can either call CPS or you can call his school and let them know (mandated reporters and all). At 17 the kid is probably fine but it can’t be easy for him. Normalcy will help him more along with a trusted adult. But he is also a minor and until he’s 18, that dad is a piece of ****.

 

[Inky_Wretch]

Why can't the 15yo daughter come with the GF to the dad's house? And why can't the 17yo son come with the dad to the GF's house?

The GF doesn’t have an extra bedroom, so he would have to couch surf. Plus, there’s a ton of resentment toward his dad now.

As for the GF … I think she doesn’t spend the night there because there are photos of the wife and the family all over the house. I’m talking dozens and dozens.

 

[qtlaw]

That sucks for the kid. Just being there for him is fantastic. Ratting out his deadbeat dad wouldn’t accomplish anything. All it would do is send kid to foster care. He’s 17 so he’s getting real close to a new stage in his life. (Don’t blame the GF, she’s doing what is best for her daughter. ).

 

[Sam Mills 51]

That sucks for the kid. Just being there for him is fantastic. Ratting out his deadbeat dad wouldn’t accomplish anything. All it would do is send kid to foster care. He’s 17 so he’s getting real close to a new stage in his life. (Don’t blame the GF, she’s doing what is best for her daughter. ).

That's what worries me. No one would blame you for calling the father out to the authorities for basically abandoning his son. But I'm mortified that the son's situation worsens because he ends up in foster care. The personification of going from bad to worse.

The two of them need to cool it, let the son graduate high school, either go to college or the working world or something adult-like, THEN shack up (not that I'm necessarily advocating it, but at least at that point, it doesn't leave at least one minor in a complete BS situation).

Why do I get the sense that the kid is more mature than the father? (And thanks for the third graf ... went through a similar situation, and was completely betwixt and between. Worked out fine because he's a completely standup guy, but could have taken a wrong turn.)

As long as it isn't completely screwing up your life, just keep doing what you're doing and keep being you, Inky. From what we've gotten to know about you, you're probably the best non-peer the kid has. And right now, he probably needs that as much as anything.

 

[Driftwood]

If anything, maybe make contact with the oldest sibling. At his age, let them handle it or not. If he was 13-14, it would be a different story.
I'd also keep him at arm's length while making regular "how's it going?" checkups. Otherwise, you might find yourself in a situation that you can't easily get out of.
You've got your own family, so unless you are ready to take on a stray I wouldn't get too deep.

 

[Inky_Wretch]

Thanks for the advice y’all. I appreciate it all.

 

[Vombatus]

As I was reading your original post, I thought the problem was going to be outrageous high school parties next door.

Story turned out quite differently - but be thankful you’re not dealing with a whole mass of HS ****heads, noise and in your yard.

 

[dixiehack]

I agree that reaching out to the oldest child is a solid move.

My spidey sense began tingling when you mentioned the part about the dad selling the house to finance land for his new love interest. It’s possible the mom left everything to the dad, but it’s more likely that she expected him to be a conservator for the minor child’s share. And a dad that is showing no interest in parenting his grief-stricken son probably isn’t showing interest in responsible stewardship either.

I get not wanting to send the kid to foster system hell, but I can’t help but think time is of the essence to preserve his rightful inheritance. Surely the court system would give a ton of deference to a 17-year-old as to where he wants to live out his senior year. If you have room and a desire to step in, I think you’d be a tremendous blessing to him.

 

[Inky_Wretch]

I agree that reaching out to the oldest child is a solid move.

My spidey sense began tingling when you mentioned the part about the dad selling the house to finance land for his new love interest. It’s possible the mom left everything to the dad, but it’s more likely that she expected him to be a conservator for the minor child’s share. And a dad that is showing no interest in parenting his grief-stricken son probably isn’t showing interest in responsible stewardship either.

I get not wanting to send the kid to foster system he’ll, but I can’t help but think time is of the essence to preserve his rightful inheritance. Surely the court system would give a ton of deference to a 17-year-old as to where he wants to live out his senior year. If you have room and a desire to step in, I think you’d be a tremendous blessing to him.

The mom was very smart in that regard. The dad is horrible with money. He makes north of $150k per year but he spends it as fast as he gets it. The mom ran the books and had him on an allowance. When she passed, the bulk of her insurance money went to the kids via a conservator.

The dad went to the conservator about six months ago and asked for money to help with the “kids’ bills.” The conservator did some digging, found out he’d bought a $18,000 Jeep for his GF’s daughter and denied any future requests without expense receipts.

 

[MisterCreosote]

Maybe reporting the dad isn’t the worst thing.

Depending on how close to 18 the kid is, it might be best to get the ball rolling on emancipation as soon as possible.

 

[outofplace]

The mom was very smart in that regard. The dad is horrible with money. He makes north of $150k per year but he spends it as fast as he gets it. The mom ran the books and had him on an allowance. When she passed, the bulk of her insurance money went to the kids via a conservator.

The dad went to the conservator about six months ago and asked for money to help with the “kids’ bills.” The conservator did some digging, found out he’d bought a $18,000 Jeep for his GF’s daughter and denied any future requests without expense receipts.

I was on the side of those saying you should just keep doing what you are doing until I read this. Now I think MC might be right. The father tried to take money from his own children to cover his own expenses and those of his new family. That's just despicable and I am certain it won't stop. I can't imagine he will be able to protect his interests without help.

I also agree with those suggesting you reach out to the oldest sibling. Just because he's far away doesn't mean he doesn't care about his younger brother.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

I agree with the others about not reporting the dad to the authorities. That can only make things worse. I also agree that fixing him a meal or two with plenty of leftovers is also a huge help, as well as being there for him as a positive influence.

I would also suggest trying to help the young man find a grief counselor and other mental health professionals to talk to because he’s going through a lot of **** right now.

 

[Slacker]

I also agree with those suggesting you reach out to the oldest sibling. Just because he's far away doesn't mean he doesn't care about his younger brother.

"He" is a she.