Need to vent, some prayers please

[Beef03]

My uncle is a fire fighter in Florida. He has always looked out for everyone before himself, always helped even without being asked. In my eyes he's one of the greatest people I have ever known. I mean his job is saving lives. For the longest time he never had any steady relationships, not because he was hideous or a **** or anything, mostly because I think he was kind of shy and not the most socially outgoing person in the world. He finally got married when he was about 40 to a 28 year old. I never liked her much, never had the opportunity to get to know her very well, but there was always something that rubbed me the wrong way about her, for one reason or another she always came across as a complete *****. However, he always treated her well, spent through the nose to keep her happy, building a new house, vacations, new cars, treating her unbelievably well spending money he probably didn't have.
Anyways, they had been married I think about seven or eight years when last year on their anniversary he found out that she had been cheating on him for a while – she didn't tell him, he discovered it while cleaning out their e-mail in box. Obviously he was crushed. They went from married to separated to getting back together again, to being separated, to trying to make it work one last time, and then he finally came to his senses and realised it was never going to work. Part of the reason he tried so hard to make it work, I think, is because they have a 6 year old son. Apparently they had a big fight in the last week, arguing, not physical – he would never lay a hand on her. He realised he had lost his wife, could lose his son (at least facing custody agreements and all the rest, and a long drawn out battle), was going to lose the house they had built three years ago and was facing a ton of debt on loans and likely future lawyer fees. Then last night he phoned and left her this message "I gave you the best years of my life, but now you will never see me again." She didn't even bother checking him till about noon today. When she found him he was in bed, unconscious, alive, but obviously not far from taking his final breath. He is now in ICU and things don't look good at all, not responding to pain, still unconscious, fluid building on the brain and there were a couple of other not so good signs. He had swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills and taken something else, they're not sure what yet. Even if he does turn around and recovers, there's no telling the damage and he will have a long road to any kind of recovery.
Despite knowing the facts we were all surprised by what transpired, and obviously very saddened. What hurts even more is being 5,000 miles from him and in a different country with no way of getting down to be with him (no passport and no money). I do ask for your prayers for him, and my family.

The second part of this is a little self centred. What has transpired got me thinking about what I was doing in my life. Comparisons were often made between myself and my uncle, we have very similar demeanors, we had a very similar lack of a dating life to this point in my life, similar sense of humour, look similar, and on down the line. But then it comes to a point where it's not so similar. I mean, his job was saving lives. He was a fireman. I'm a sports editor at a small three-times weekly paper. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I'm finally making a little headway, but I always envisioned something different, a higher calling. I always pictured myself as a fireman or police officer or even joining the military. However, I could never handle the mortality that those three jobs deal with on a daily basis. I couldn't arrive at the scene of a head on car accident and get out and be OK with it. I couldn't handle being the one who has to knock on a parents house and tell them that their son or daughter wasn't coming home. And push come to shove, I don't know if I could pull the trigger and take out the enemy standing 15 feet away from me. I have an unbelievable amount of respect for the people in all three of those lines of work. But I can't help but look at it as 'am I being selfish by doing what I'm doing?' I don't mean any offence by this to anyone out there. It is me dwelling on my life. but I mean I'm a freaking sports editor, what difference in the world am I making? I couldn't even handle being a general news reporter and showing up at the scene of a car accident where there are obvious fatalities involved – that one is from experience. As a lady at the phone company asked about my job today (and I know we've all heard it before and brushed it off a million times) "so you get paid to watch hockey games?" For some reason that stuck with me tonight. not angrily, but kind of borrowed in on me. What purpose do I serve. I write about athletes and sports, and occasionally give my opinion. Who ****ing cares? The world can survive without a sports section, depressingly enough, but it can't without Firemen or policemen. Like I said, I like my job, I just don't really understand how I'm making the world a better place.
I don't know why I'm ranting on this right now. It's just something that the whole situation with my uncle has me going on it. He was somebody who made a difference. Other people's lives are better or even still existing directly because of him, what have I done?

 

[pallister]

My father and oldest brother are retired firemen, and I have two other brothers currently on the fire department, all in one of the biggest cities in America. So, myself being an editor, I've had those thoughts about how my job isn't meaningful. But even though you probably won't get a chance to save lives in the newsroom, what you do is important to some people, and there are people who count on you, and, above all, you can take pride in knowing there are people in your life who are proud of you.

I've also gone through a divorce, and as hard as it has been the last few years, I can only imagine how much harder it is when a child is involved. I'll be praying for your uncle. Hope things work out for both of you.

 

[Double J]

Hope your uncle pulls through, Beef. I'll be thinking of him.

But, as bad as you feel right now, you really shouldn't beat yourself up over this. We all take different paths in life. Not everyone can do what people in the military or emergency services do. That, in part, is what makes those people so special.

There's nothing unworthy about the path you've chosen. If you enjoy your job and you're good at it, that's all you really need. What you're feeling right now, I believe, is just anger and frustration. It's okay to be self-centred about it, though. If you're not thinking about yourself, it's not likely that someone else will do it for you.

Think about it some more when you're in a better frame of mind but try now to focus as much of your energy as you can on praying for your uncle and doing what you can for him and his family. Even if you're thousands of miles away, perhaps there are things you can still do.

 

[Dyno]

Beef -- So sorry to hear about your uncle. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep us posted.

 

[shotglass]

Ditto, Beef. You and your uncle are in our thoughts.

 

[User 1019]

Beef, there is no shame in your line of work. And there is no shame in being angry at your uncle's wife -- or him, for that matter.

What matters most is that you find fulfillment in whatever it is you do.

Best of luck to you and yours.

 

[farmerjerome]

Beef03, I understand how you feel.

Think of it this way. We may not save lives, but we make people smile -- expecially in a small town.

Best wishes to your uncle, I hope he pulls through.

 

[Trey Beamon]

While we don't save any, I'd like to think most of us brighten our readers' lives, if only for a few minutes a day. That's something to feel proud of.

Your uncle is my thoughts and prayers, Beef.

 

[jgmacg]

Beef -

Ask yourself this: Which section of the paper do most firefighters turn to first? Which section delivers them the most enjoyment and diversion and respite from their work? Which section of the paper can they spend the day talking/thinking/arguing/ragging each other about?

They give to us; we give to them. At life's best, all of us everywhere are intertwined and reciprocal, and all work of all kinds is important to someone.

I can't fight a fire, but I can give the fellas at the stationhouse something good to read while they wait for the bell. And there's nothing inconsequential in that. To inform and entertain; to ease or educate or enlighten; to be the storyteller for the rest of the tribe? That's important work, my friend.

I send the warmest thoughts of our little household to your uncle. And to you.

 

[Beef03]

I thank you all for your kind words. I was in a bit of a bad way last night when I was writting. I was very angry with everything that had taken place, mostly with my aunt. Still have a lot of hatred for her.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about our place in the world as sports reporters/editors and I know the entertainment factor of life is a big factor. Like I said I love my job and what I do, but everyonce in a while I do wonder what kind of a difference I do make in the world and last night was one of those nights. I appreciate all of your support.

Unfortunately I do not have any new information, as far as I know my uncle has remained in roughly the same condition for the past 12 hours or so. Thank you for your prayers. I will keep you posted.

 

[Jones]

Beef, sorry about your uncle.

I hope this doesn't sound sanctimonious, but here's a little advice:

Very few people can say their job is "meaningful" in the way that fire fighters or cops can. Start naming jobs off the top of your head -- plumber, IT guy, sales assistant, highway repairman, bag boy, baseball player, economist, mechanic -- and stop whenever you've found one where you're saving lives, say, which seems to be your definition of meaningful. For most of us, jobs are jobs. If you like your job and you're keeping your head above water, you're better off than most folks. And your job isn't your life -- it sure as **** shouldn't be how you define it.

Now, the advice part: Volunteer. Habitat for Humanity. The Food Bank. Big Brothers. God, spend an hour picking up garbage in your neighborhood, and see how good you feel. That's where you can find the meaning that you seem to be longing for. And -- you're allowed to be selfish here -- in addition to feeling good about yourself, you might meet someone, you might be healthier for getting out, you might even find a new job opportunity.

I'm sorry about your uncle. But perhaps you can use this awful experience for something good. Outside of your day job, resolve to help as many people as you think he might have, a kind of Earl's list, in tribute. If he makes it, tell him he's your inspiration. If he doesn't -- and I really hope he does -- tell him he's your inspiration anyway.

Sounds like the blueprint for a meaningful life to me.

 

[PopeDirkBenedict]

Beef, sorry about your uncle.

I hope this doesn't sound sanctimonious, but here's a little advice:

Very few people can say their job is "meaningful" in the way that fire fighters or cops can. Start naming jobs off the top of your head -- plumber, IT guy, sales assistant, highway repairman, bag boy, baseball player, economist, mechanic -- and stop whenever you've found one where you're saving lives, say, which seems to be your definition of meaningful. For most of us, jobs are jobs. If you like your job and you're keeping your head above water, you're better off than most folks. And your job isn't your life -- it sure as **** shouldn't be how you define it.

Now, the advice part: Volunteer. Habitat for Humanity. The Food Bank. Big Brothers. God, spend an hour picking up garbage in your neighborhood, and see how good you feel. That's where you can find the meaning that you seem to be longing for. And -- you're allowed to be selfish here -- in addition to feeling good about yourself, you might meet someone, you might be healthier for getting otu, you might even find a new job opportunity.

I'm sorry about your uncle. But perhaps you can use this awful experience for something good. Outside of your day job, resolve to help as many as people as you think he might have, a kind of Earl's list, in tribute. If he makes it, tell him he's your inspiration. If he doesn't -- and I really hope he does -- tell him he's your inspiration anyway.

Sounds like the blueprint for a meaningful life to me.

Incredible advice Jones. I agree with every syllable.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

Nicely done, Jones.

Beef, I have little more to add except to say my thoughts are with you and your uncle.

 

[Beef03]

Thought I would update, although my information is second hand from over the phone from two people saying different things.
But what I have figured out for sure is that my uncle will recover, should be a near complete recovery although there is still a good chance of some long term damage. Regardless he has a long road ahead of him. Because he and my aunt (I'm finding it very difficlt to call her that) are not legally divorced, however, she is still calling all the shots in regards to his treatment and pulling major powertrips and just being an overall complete *****. Details leaking out from his fire department buddies is painting an even worse picture of her and the way she treated him than we originally thought, and our thoughts of her originally were pretty bad to begin with.
There will be a special place in hell for her.

Thanks again for all of the prayers and support. It's great to be able to turn to a community such as this.

 

[Kaylee]

Anyways, they had been married I think about seven or eight years when last year on their anniversary he found out that she had been cheating on him for a while ? she didn't tell him, he discovered it while cleaning out their e-mail in box. Obviously he was crushed. They went from married to separated to getting back together again, to being separated, to trying to make it work one last time, and then he finally came to his senses and realised it was never going to work. Part of the reason he tried so hard to make it work, I think, is because they have a 6 year old son.

This recently happened to a woman I know. Happened to come across hubby's e-mail account and - well lookee here - there's five separate women who are professing love and lust for the guy. Five.

Adding insult to injury, her husband just shrugged when confronted, got a nice fat raise at work, moved into a bachelor pad and has commenced with balling skanks he's met online. In fact, it looks as if he'll be landing another notch on the belt this weekend.

Oh yeah...guy's wife was trying to work her way through nursing school while trying to raise a daughter with special medical needs.

I also hope there's a spot in hell for this guy. But just in case, he has something else waiting for him. In the meantime, all I can think about is this little girl who almost died of a childhood disease and now has to learn that her dad is a self-serving sick *******. I'll be honest, it wouldn't break my heart if, once the boozing and banging finally ends, this guy wakes up to see who he is, finds a good sturdy handgun, and puts it to good use. It's not like his daughter had a real father anyway.

It absolutely blows my mind that people can be so cruel to others in the name of their own appetites. It's one thing when you're young, single and on the prowl. But marriage, and then fatherhood...that's the official signal that the world no longer revolves around you.

I grew up more or less without a mom, and every day I feel like I hit the lottery because I had a dad who dug in and made sure I had all the things I needed. My only regret is that I haven't succeeded in this business yet, so I can't yet make him proud of all he's done for me. But I wouldn't be here without him...no question. And how anyone, a mother or father, can pass up that kind of responsibility and embrace poor lifestyle choices absolutely floors me.

Clearly, I'm rambling, and I apologize. Your uncle's story just touched me, I guess. I hope to hell he comes out of this with the courage to face down the kind of undeserving treatment he incurred. Moreover, I'll be thinking about that son of theirs. A lot.

As for the job thing...your call. As a philosopher once said, our job is to find out what part we play, and to play it well. My own $0.02 is that it's not the job you do that makes a difference, but the person you are. And you can be a difference maker whether you're a newspaperman, cop, firefighter or falafel vendor. Yes, it sounds trite. But it works for me.

 

[Fenian_Bastard]

Thought I would update, although my information is second hand from over the phone from two people saying different things.
But what I have figured out for sure is that my uncle will recover, should be a near complete recovery although there is still a good chance of some long term damage. Regardless he has a long road ahead of him. Because he and my aunt (I'm finding it very difficlt to call her that) are not legally divorced, however, she is still calling all the shots in regards to his treatment and pulling major powertrips and just being an overall complete *****. Details leaking out from his fire department buddies is painting an even worse picture of her and the way she treated him than we originally thought, and our thoughts of her originally were pretty bad to begin with.
There will be a special place in hell for her.

Thanks again for all of the prayers and support. It's great to be able to turn to a community such as this.

Beef --
Needless to say, I'm praying and all.
But have you, or any of your siblings, thought about the possibility of getting a guardianship of your uncle and, through it, the kid? At the very least, it might force the Young Lady to let go of him, and it might even give her pause about laying legal siege if she has to fight on a couple of fronts. No idea on the law on this, but it would seem to me that, if your uncle tried to kill himself, you could argue a) that he can't take care of himself at the moment, and b) that his wife doesn;t have his best interests at heart.

 

[Dirk Legume]

Thought I would update, although my information is second hand from over the phone from two people saying different things.
But what I have figured out for sure is that my uncle will recover, should be a near complete recovery although there is still a good chance of some long term damage. Regardless he has a long road ahead of him. Because he and my aunt (I'm finding it very difficlt to call her that) are not legally divorced, however, she is still calling all the shots in regards to his treatment and pulling major powertrips and just being an overall complete *****. Details leaking out from his fire department buddies is painting an even worse picture of her and the way she treated him than we originally thought, and our thoughts of her originally were pretty bad to begin with.
There will be a special place in hell for her.

Thanks again for all of the prayers and support. It's great to be able to turn to a community such as this.

Beef --
Needless to say, I'm praying and all.
But have you, or any of your siblings, thought about the possibility of getting a guardianship of your uncle and, through it, the kid? At the very least, it might force the Young Lady to let go of him, and it might even give her pause about laying legal siege if she has to fight on a couple of fronts. No idea on the law on this, but it would seem to me that, if your uncle tried to kill himself, you could argue a) that he can't take care of himself at the moment, and b) that his wife doesn;t have his best interests at heart.

Beef,

Fenian is thinking here. This is an issue that should be looked at carefully. It is possible a judge will see what's going on and decide that a woman he was in the process of divorcing may not have his best interests at heart...and his family would.

Great call FB.

 

[Fenian_Bastard]

Spent a lot of time with progressive disease in my family.
You get to appreciate guardianships.

 

[OTD]

Beef:

I'm sending a prayer for your uncle. Firefighters are about at the top of the pile in my book and no one, least of all a guy putting his life on the line to make a living for his family, deserves this kind of ****.

My only regret is that I haven't succeeded in this business yet, so I can't yet make him proud of all he's done for me.

Kaylee: As a dad, I can tell you that you've probably already made yours as proud of you as he can be. I doubt how far my kids go in business will affect my pride in them much at all. It's the other stuff that matters.

 

[805atHeart]

Beef,

I was really moved by both your story and some of the posts in response. Best wishes to you and your family.

I feel like I can't give any meaningful life advice after reading what has already been said by much wiser folks. But, for what it's worth, since I felt lucky enough to even go to college (none of my friends have graduated, most are JC dropouts), I felt this innate need to do something more meaningful with my life, even if I had aspired to be a newspaper hack my entire life.

Now that I'm in the business, I have to continually remind myself that even if my work seems mundane, I try to put myself in the shoes of the high school dudes I mostly cover. For a lot of these kids, their high school athletic careers may be the pinnacle of their young lives. About 4 years ago, a buddy and I were featured on the cover of the Metro section of the Sacramento Bee for a feature about kids giving high school graduation speeches. To the reporter, it was probably a ho-hum assignment compared to the Bee's normal metro coverage. But to us, our friends, our families it brought so much joy. My parents have it framed somewhere around their place. So whenever I profile johnny quarterback at podunk high, it always feels like just another day at the office. To them, they are ecstatic. Their faces light up when I show up at practice and tell them I'm doing a feature for whatever day. It helps me sleep better knowing that I've made some kid and his family stoked for a few days, or longer in some cases. So if it's any solace, just remind yourself that what you're doing is usually making someone out there happy. It's not saving lives, but you are still putting smiles on a lot of faces. That's more than a lot of working types can say. I apologize for the redundancy, like I said, your story was moving.

Again, best of luck.

805