Need advice: How do you deal with wife's affair, divorce?

[Buck]

She is who we thought she is, and you let her off the hook!

 

[Baron Scicluna]

Not, the psychological experts say that the holiday season is the most depressing time for some people, especially if they have suffered a loss. While your soon to be ex-wife didn't die, your marriage to her did.

I found a listing of the most stressful events a human can undergo. You've undergone No. 7, 10 and 12 within the last few months: http://www.list-directory.info/lists/40-stressfulevents.html

In other words, you are under a tremendous amount of stress. It is only natural to feel the way that you are feeling. If talking to us on SJ is helpful to you, keep at it. At 44 pages and counting, I hope you know that we're all in your corner on this.

 

[Hoo]

It's not only the death of the marriage, it's the death of the future as you envisioned it. You thought you knew, generally, how your personal life was going to play out. That does take grieving to overcome.

Also, I know from experience that while there are plenty more fish in the sea -- I found a better one -- it's perhaps even more important for you to grieve and heal by yourself, even before you meet someone new. If you're able to stand on your own two feet and regain your emotional health as a single man, you'll be in a great position when the right woman does come along -- and you'll be happier while you're waiting for her.

You might check out author and therapist <a href="http://www.menweb.org/realivue.htm">Terry Real</a>. He writes about men, depression, relationships, etc. This quote from one of his books has stuck with me:

We humans don't "resolve" grief; we live with it. The pain of our losses recedes, over time, and we get on with our lives. But periodically, one may well feel the chill hand on the heart -- what we miss, our mortality -- its sudden grip like a sharp intake of breath. It is important for us to recall in such moments that we still remain. Grief washes over us and we are left standing. It's okay. Nothing's wrong. It's just a natural part of things. Dead leaves underfoot. A clear autumn evening, the black sky like a vault, the vapor of our own breath in the air, a surprise. "Oh," we say. "It will be winter again soon. It's grown dark so early." And we burrow deep into our clothes for a moment, glad to be heading home.

 

[Moderator1]

Pete, I'm a little fuzzy here. What do you think of her? Try to be a little more clear next time, huh? Vague just doesn't cut it.

 

[Double J]

Reminds me of how Billy Crystal's character in "Throw Momma From The Train" kept referring to his cheating spouse: "She's a ****!!"

 

[Rosie]

Moddy, I'll be sending you the bill for my new keyboard. ;)

 

[Philosopher]

I found a listing of the most stressful events a human can undergo. You've undergone No. 7, 10 and 12 within the last few months: http://www.list-directory.info/lists/40-stressfulevents.html

That's an interesting list. In 2007, I went through 7 of them:

Change in residence = 35
Changing employers/careers = 43
Infidelity = 69
Separation from spouse = 69
Divorce = 71
Experiencing/involved in auto accident = 53
Being disciplined at work = 53

It's crazy to think that I went through all of that in one year.

 

[Rumpleforeskin]

http://www.list-directory.info/lists/40-stressfulevents.html

Yikes. I've gone through quite a few of those in the last year.

 

[Buck]

Why are 'Being a victim of a crime' and 'Being a victim of police brutality' listed separately?
Isn't the latter covered by the former?

 

[Baron Scicluna]

Why are 'Being a victim of a crime' and 'Being a victim of police brutality' listed separately?
Isn't the latter covered by the former?

Maybe because you're expecting the cops to help you, or at least be professional, and not expecting them to be brutal?

I found that list, and I'm surprised that death of a child wasn't on there. There was another (smaller) list, that I haven't been able to find again where the death of a child was the most stressful thing.

 

[not_who_i_usually_am]

Actually, it's more like:

# Divorce 71
Infidelity 69
Separation from or reconciliation with spouse/mate 66
Being fired/laid-off/unemployed 64
Experiencing financial problems/difficulties 62
Loss of or major reduction in health insurance/benefits 56
Adult child moving in with parent/parent moving in with adult child 50

And that's just in the top 25, cause I quit reading there. And that doesn't include one that actually checks in above No. 7 - divorce, that I don't really want to go into.

So this confirms what I knew anyway -- that the past several months have provided the most stress I've ever faced.

 

[Drip]

Not, KEEP THE FAITH BROTHER. you are doing well.

 

[Rumpleforeskin]

not, do you happen to have any college football eligibility? There are some nice southern schools you could visit.

 

[Poor John Carney]

I became a fan of this thread at the start because I was going through a divorce as well. My wife wasn't as rotten as yours, but let's just say I had to dig down deep to remain civil. Not, while I had similar feelings for a long time, the bad memories of my wife erased all the good.

Just focus on making it through the day. Dream big, my man. Dream big. Remember you're not alone. Visit family. Talk to someone about the good times before she came along. Just do things that make YOU happy.

Keep your emotions open and take responsibility for any mistakes you feel you may have made. Another woman will come along, and you'll be a much better partner for her than you were for your ex-wife.

It's worked for me. I thought I was happy when I was married. Nowadays, I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. And the best part is that happiness continues to grow each day.

 

[Drip]

See guys, SportsJournalists.com is good for something other than snipping at each other. Thanks to you, it works for all of us.

 

[not_who_i_usually_am]

Can 2009 just end already?

I was playing basketball last night, and while leaping for a rebound, another guy who got the rebound caught me with an accidental elbow to the nose. Broke it. Bled all over the place. And I've just got some ****ty internet-purchased insurance with a $3000 deductible, so I'm gonna have to pay for the entire cost of the ER visit and follow-up appointment to straighten it back once the swelling goes down.

I'll never forget the sound the bone breaking made. Sounded like stepping on a bag of potato chips. I knew it was broke before I ever hit the ground because of that sound.

I've never been so excited for a year to end.

 

[21]

Tell the judge your ex did it.

 

[forever_town]

Can 2009 just end already?

[OUCH...]

I've never been so excited for a year to end.

My thoughts EXACTLY. May 2010 be better for both of us.

 

[Drip]

Can 2009 just end already?

I was playing basketball last night, and while leaping for a rebound, another guy who got the rebound caught me with an accidental elbow to the nose. Broke it. Bled all over the place. And I've just got some ****ty internet-purchased insurance with a $3000 deductible, so I'm gonna have to pay for the entire cost of the ER visit and follow-up appointment to straighten it back once the swelling goes down.

I'll never forget the sound the bone breaking made. Sounded like stepping on a bag of potato chips. I knew it was broke before I ever hit the ground because of that sound.

I've never been so excited for a year to end.

Not, you will survive. YOU ARE THE MAN.

 

[Moderator1]

Let it stay crooked. It will give you character. Women dig that crooked nose look, or so I'm told.