Make up your own joke

[JayFarrar]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/carpe_diem_says_man_who_spent?utm_source=slate_rss_1

OLYMPIA, WA—Less than 12 hours after devoting his entire Saturday to masturbating in a dimly lit room, local resident Ian Schiller, 25, advised a friend with whom he was eating brunch to "seize the day."

"Carpe diem, that's my motto," Schiller said in response to his companion's quandary over whether he should ask out a woman from his office, despite Schiller's decision just one day earlier to bring himself to orgasm five times rather than enrich his own life in any way. "Why shut yourself off from the world, man? You only live once."

Schiller then paused briefly to put on sunglasses, his eyes not yet fully readjusted to normal daytime light levels.

Though he refrained from both showering and changing his underwear and socks during his near-marathon self-pleasuring, Schiller went on to extol the importance of living life to its fullest and never squandering a minute of one's precious time on this planet.

"You gotta make your move, man!" said Schiller, apparently not recalling the many hours he spent avoiding not only women, but all human contact and natural sunlight in favor of manually stimulating himself and intermittently dozing off in his computer chair. "What, do you think she's just going to walk right up to you and ask you out? Go for it. There's nothing worse than regret."

 

[mike311gd]

My name's not Ian.

 

[Ace]

That is from the Onion and is a joke in itself, you realize.

 

[Diabeetus]

That is from the Onion and is a joke in itself, you realize.

QFT

 

[JayFarrar]

That is from the Onion and is a joke in itself, you realize.

QFT

I do.
Some examples of what I was hoping for ...
• Then he went out with a virgin — again.
• There's no way he could have spent an entire Saturday masturbating. He would have missed his job covering college football
• Five times in one day? Pfft, five times in one hour is my record.

 

[Overrated]

That is from the Onion and is a joke in itself, you realize.

QFT

I do.
Some examples of what I was hoping for ...
• Then he went out with a virgin — again.
• There's no way he could have spent an entire Saturday masturbating. He would have missed his job covering college football
• Five times in one day? Pfft, five times in one hour is my record.

You just stole every one of the jokes I was about to post.

 

[ArnoldBabar]

Well, then I think we're done here.

 

[mike311gd]

Anybody want me to paint a picture?