Job/life advice

[bwright]

I know this is probably not the most interesting problem, but I know there are plenty on here that love to give advice (I'm usually one of them, I suppose) and I could sure use some. Maybe not even advice, but perspective. So here goes.

I'm almost one year removed from graduating and moving to take a job in the industry. I currently live about 3.5 hours from where I went to school (and pseudo-hometown), closer to 5 hours from my actual hometown, and 4+ hours from the future Mrs.' hometown.

We're getting married this summer, and I have no idea what's going to happen after that. We've talked and talked about it, prayed about it, and she's stressed about it enough for the both of us (I'm not much of a stresser).

Basically, my boss wants to know this month if I'm leaving so they can hire my replacement and have some transition time with us both here.

We'd likely move back to her hometown, a metro area where it's much more likely for her to find a job in her field (marketing/business). There aren't (m)any opportunities like that in this small town. She would likely make significantly more than I do currently (though cost of living is much higher as well).

It's tough for me to walk away from this job, though. It would be tough to walk away from any job right now, but especially one I really like. My hours are, I suspect, as good as you could ask for in this industry. My pay, while low for a college graduate, is above the standard entry-level jobs posted here. Also, I think the paper (or a nearby sister paper) would have a job for The Future Mrs. in ad sales, what she's done in college. So we'd at least both be employed and together, albeit isolated from any friends or family. I have no idea what an ad rep would make, but probably not what she could make elsewhere (plus it's not really what she wants to do).

I'm told it would be highly beneficial for her to be near her support system in the first (and supposedly hardest) year of marriage.

I feel like the best course of action would be to stay here "until something better comes along." But I'm worried a temporary thing will turn into a permanent thing. After all, a year ago this job was a one-year thing.

As for what she wants, she's been pretty ambivalent. She swears being close to friends and family is not an issue now, but I know she wants to be close to grandma and grandpa by the time we have children, and I do too. That's at least a few years away.

I'm sure someone here has had similar decisions to make. Thoughts?

 

[EStreetJoe]

You're getting married this summer.

Right now, who has the better paying job with the most security. Money issues are one of the top things couples fight about. So the job issue should be the No. 1 priority - in this economy whomever has the better job at the moment is where you should be. If that's your job, stay where you are, she can work as an ad rep and send resumes/go on interviews for jobs in the metro area and once she lands something, then move there.

Don't move to the metro area because there are more job opportunities there for her (or for you). Move there because there is a guaranteed job there (ie. you or her has been hired there). You don't want to move to the metro area and be arguing about money while you both look for work among those opportunities.

 

[User 1019]

Solid advice, there.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

You're getting married this summer.

Right now, who has the better paying job with the most security. Money issues are one of the top things couples fight about. So the job issue should be the No. 1 priority - in this economy whomever has the better job at the moment is where you should be. If that's your job, stay where you are, she can work as an ad rep and send resumes/go on interviews for jobs in the metro area and once she lands something, then move there.

Don't move to the metro area because there are more job opportunities there for her (or for you). Move there because there is a guaranteed job there (ie. you or her has been hired there). You don't want to move to the metro area and be arguing about money while you both look for work among those opportunities.

WFW.

And don't let your boss pressure you into making a decision. You always can tell him you're staying to buy yourself some time until the decision is really made. If you leave, the only thing you owe him is 2 weeks notice.

 

[cranberry]

Even though you're pretty obligation free at this stage of your life, I wouldn't leave your current location until at least one of you had a job.

Both of you should look for work in the metro city then move when one of you has a job. Meantime, tell the boss you're not leaving. You have a right to change your mind later if/when one of you gets a job.

 

[qtlaw]

I agree that one of the hottest topics amongst married people is money.

However, this decision is a true test of marriage. No way around it, its a big decision that needs to be made jointly, it will reveal how you two will approach/solve problems later. If its a true 50/50 decision-making process, put a list of the pluses/minuses and jointly decide what to do, then accept that decision and make the best of it. (If its not 50/50 and its more like someone is the true decision maker and the other goes along, so be it.)

There are all different kinds of successful marriages; one of my best friends has two checking accounts and they pay equal shares of the bills even though she makes significantly more and they have 3 kids and a mortgage; works for them. My wife and I have done the traditional joint accounts, she pays the bills, I do the investments. Works for us.

You guys need to approach this as you intend to make your marriage work.

The best advice for some may not work for you two because some are more willing to accept risks than others (and make the best of it too.)

What are you two going to value most? Financial stability (stay until better $$ is set)? Family stability (move closer to the in-laws)? That to me is going to drive this decision.

Good luck and I wish you two the best.

My advice to you for a long-lasting marriage (we have achieved 14 years), NEVER FORGET WHY YOU GOT MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE, well so long as you still treasure those reasons. Situations will arise where you wonder "why am I married?" The answer is always there.

 

[Buck]

Why would you move before she has a job there?
Ad. rep. for a newspaper is a dead-end job, but it's fine while she looks for a real job.
When she gets a job in the other town, then you move.

 

[playthrough]

Yes. If you have the job, that place is home.

If you truly love the job, that's a factor too. I've been married a decade, together for 12-plus years, and we have moved at times for her job and at times for mine. It's pretty rare for both situations to match up perfectly, sometimes you or her may have to take one for the team, so to speak, and work somewhere that isn't your dream job so the other can take advantage of a good opportunity. What you don't want, of course, is any hint of resentment. Some people can be happy in that role as the person in the marriage with the "lesser" job, some can't.

 

[novelist_wannabe]

Welcome to grownupville, where the two of you have to agree which one will put his/her dream on hold. That said, by all means, stay where at least one of you is employed. While the opportunities may be fewer in a smaller town, time management is a bigger challenge in a larger one. If you add the stress of a commute and having to wait for everything -- in a metro area, waiting is an inevitability -- to money issues, that can be really hard on a new marriage. All that said, the only decision here that really should be permanent is the one to get married. Everything else is temporary. There was a government study not long ago that indicated the average high school student in the United States will have 14 jobs by the time they reach age 38. If the situation makes either of you unhappy, you can always change it.

 

[21]

I'm told it would be highly beneficial for her to be near her support system in the first (and supposedly hardest) year of marriage.

Told by whom?

You're going to be her husband, that makes you the support system. Don't relinquish that role to her friends and family, it's your privilege and responsibility.

If she's truly ambivalent about the issue right now, don't rock the boat. She's lucky that you care enough to worry about it on her behalf, but if she's not insistent on a move, why give up your good job for the unknown?

 

[PCLoadLetter]

I'm told it would be highly beneficial for her to be near her support system in the first (and supposedly hardest) year of marriage.

Told by whom?

You're going to be her husband, that makes you the support system. Don't relinquish that role to her friends and family, it's your privilege and responsibility.

If she's truly ambivalent about the issue right now, don't rock the boat. She's lucky that you care enough to worry about it on her behalf, but if she's not insistent on a move, why give up your good job for the unknown?

Couldn't agree with this more.

And while my marriage has never been difficult, it got a whole lot easier once we moved 1500 miles from her parents. Your mileage may vary, of course.

 

[ripple]

I'm told it would be highly beneficial for her to be near her support system in the first (and supposedly hardest) year of marriage.

Told by whom?

Told by my brother, who moved with his wife (some 10 years ago) away from her friends/family when they first got married.

 

[Buck]

I'm told it would be highly beneficial for her to be near her support system in the first (and supposedly hardest) year of marriage.

If she's truly ambivalent about the issue right now, don't rock the boat. She's lucky that you care enough to worry about it on her behalf ...

I couldn't disagree more. You're function, as husband-to-be, is to problem-solve and suggest solutions.
When discussing these types of the things, the woman wants the man to diagnose the the situation aloud and state the best course of action.
That's what discussion is all about.

 

[WS]

I'm told it would be highly beneficial for her to be near her support system in the first (and supposedly hardest) year of marriage.

Told by whom?

You're going to be her husband, that makes you the support system. Don't relinquish that role to her friends and family, it's your privilege and responsibility.

If she's truly ambivalent about the issue right now, don't rock the boat. She's lucky that you care enough to worry about it on her behalf, but if she's not insistent on a move, why give up your good job for the unknown?

Exactly. I got married 5 years ago, and we live 3.5 hours from my parents, 4.5 hours from hers. Her mom/grandmother are big homebodies who will never leave their tiny community and think everyone in their extended family should live there, but they got used to us moving away and it's not too far to visit.

Her fatass aunt, who lives in Atlanta, and "has a gift of prophecy" basically told her she was wrong to get married and it would be bad not being so close to family, and more stuff. Made her cry, never apologized.

So far, we're doing fine. Come to find out before I got married that if my parents hadn't moved away from their hometown (where my mom worked with her parents AND had to visit them every weekend), to a place 3 hours away, they'd have never made it. They'll celebrate 31 years in August.

So the support system argument is usually bull. YOU are her support system, and you can make friends through church, work, social gatherings, etc.

 

[Roscablo]

It's been alluded to here, but realize that every relationship is different and what ticks for one would wreck another. You have to find your happy medium and figure out what sacrifices work for both of you. Especially at the start don't tie yourself down with any specific idea of success. You can always tweak the plan.

Support systems are great, but you can also grow your own wherever you are. I never thought I'd leave home and now 10 years, four states and five cities later, most of which has occurred after marriage, I think we're much better and stronger for experiencing different places, people and opportunities. In fact, we're about to move closer to home in a few months and it kind of scares me, especially with two kids now, what it will be like being so close to that original support system.

More than likely in 10 years you won't be exactly where you thought you'd be -- professionally, physical location, relationship wise, whatever -- so find what makes your relationship tick and go with that no matter what.