Have you ever...?

[alleyallen]

Have you ever had one of those spine-freezing, stomach-clenching, time-stopping, "Oh ****!" moments? Those times where you could see yourself doing something regrettable, but you just can't stop it?

I had a remembrance today of just one of those moments from a few years ago. I stumbled upon a mention of Karen Carpenter and remembered, with horror, a truly tasteless and inappropriate joke my first wife, Ruthie, told me on more than one occasion.

Which led to me remembering how I told that same joke to a co-worker that, I found out -- moments after the punchline was delivered -- was definitely NOT the person to whom I should have told that joke.

And as the punchline came out of my lips, I felt that same gut-wrenching moment of comprehension.


Ugh...

Anyway...share your stories. But please, don't jack the thread into stories about someone not getting laid, etc. And certainly no Bush talk, although bush talk is fine.

 

[Angola!]

What was the joke?

 

[pressboxer]

That Mama Cass should have given Karen the ham sandwich.

 

[a_rosenthal]

Annorexia is funny.

I made a joke about how someone on the design desk across the newsroom was worthless.

Happened to be the wife of the person I told.

Had to pretend I was confused and talking about someone else....

 

[Piotr Rasputin]

You hear about the new Karen Carpenter greatest hits album?

Her picture's on the side of the CD case. [/JackieMartling]

 

[mike311gd]

Annorexia is funny.

I made a joke about how someone on the design desk across the newsroom was worthless.

Happened to be the wife of the person I told.

Had to pretend I was confused and talking about someone else....

 

[Angola!]

I made a joke about how someone on the design desk across the newsroom was worthless.

Happened to be the wife of the person I told.

Had to pretend I was confused and talking about someone else....

That's some good stuff right there.
I can imagine the furious backpedaling that was going on.

 

[Rumpleforeskin]

We got a new SID at the local university and he's like 6-foot-10, 270-pounds. He always hovers around during interviews and just towers over me.

So, at the last basketball game I covered, he brought his family to the game and I saw his kid. He's about 15-years-old, but he's 6'2, 190. The kid is growing up to be just like his father.

I lean over to the assistant SID and ask if he's seen the size of the main SID's kid. I look down and see the SID's gargantuan feet behind me and I parlay the conversation into asking about his family.

 

[BigSleeper]

Closest thing I got is this. My last night in Ohio, I was having dinner with my sister, her friend and her friend's boyfriend -- a guy on the Browns roster. I was in a good mood and had knocked back a few too many shots (for a lightweight like me, anyway). He asked me what I didn't like about being a sports writer. "Trying to get decent quotes out of guys like you." He wasn't amused ...

 

[alleyallen]

That Mama Cass should have given Karen the ham sandwich.

That was the joke, or pretty close to it. Eek.

 

[Armchair_QB]

Closest thing I got is this. My last night in Ohio, I was having dinner with my sister, her friend and her friend's boyfriend -- a guy on the Browns roster. I was in a good mood and had knocked back a few too many shots (for a lightweight like me, anyway). He asked me what I didn't like about being a sports writer. "Trying to get decent quotes out of guys like you." He wasn't amused ...

Run from him. He plays for the Browns. It's not like he'll be able to catch you.

 

[Huggy]

You hear about the new Karen Carpenter greatest hits album?

Her picture's on the side of the CD case. [/JackieMartling]

Jackie The Jokeman ****ing rocks.

 

[Flying Headbutt]

Pretty much any time I'm on a date.

 

[Huggy]

An old-time newspaper guy was telling me a story of one of his staffers covering some social event that a number of the local NHL team's players attended. the guy wrote a note in the story the next day saying, "Player X was there with his lovely wife Muffy, who looks to be expecting any day now."

The next day there was a note in the guy's box: "Player X called. His wife isn't pregnant."

 

[Baron Scicluna]

An old-time newspaper guy was telling me a story of one of his staffers covering some social event that a number of the local NHL team's players attended. the guy wrote a note in the story the next day saying, "Player X was there with his lovely wife Muffy, who looks to be expecting any day now."

The next day there was a note in the guy's box: "Player X called. His wife isn't pregnant."

That happened to my wife at my high school reunion. Mrs. Sciculuna had two C-sections, and hasn't totally lost all her babyweight (I still love her though). One of my former classmates, when I introduced the Mrs. to her, started congratulating us and asked the Mrs. when she was due. My wife, actually didn't get too upset.

 

[mustangj17]

I made a joke about how someone on the design desk across the newsroom was worthless.

Happened to be the wife of the person I told.

Had to pretend I was confused and talking about someone else....

That's some good stuff right there.
I can imagine the furious backpedaling that was going on.

That is when you pull a Ray Romano and fake a sneeze attack.

 

[Jones]

This is my favorite:

My wife's sister Sarah is a sweet girl, but she's a little loud and a little unaware. For instance, we were once playing pool with a bunch of black guys, and only the eight ball was left, and she says, lining up her shot, "I've got some unfinished bidness with blackey." I don't think she was even thinking about the situation we were in. I was looking for the nearest exit.

Anyway, the story. She had just started dating this guy who has since become her husband. Let's call him Bob. We were at my wife's family's cottage, and we were going swimming in the lake. Bob is a big guy. So he takes off his shirt, and he has pretty severe stretchmarks on his sides -- big red lines running up and down him like scars.

And Sarah shrieks, "Oh my God, what happened to you? Were you attacked by tigers? A bear? Did your parents torture you?"

Apparently, she hadn't yet seen him shirtless.

She wasn't making fun -- she was being serious. She had never seen anything like them, and she really was concerned that he had been abused or attacked at some point in his life. She would not stop -- and it's not like we could interject, "Sarah, it's because he's fat."

So he did.

"Sarah, it's because I'm fat."

I went swimming far away from shore.

And now they're living happily ever after.

 

[Evil ... Thy name is Orville Redenbacher!!]

I was attending a reunion, looking at a gaggle of women with whom I had went to college. I was surrounded by several of my friends - and (unbeknownst to me) a few other people.
"Heeeey, is that Mary Rottencrotch wearing a wedding ring," I said. "Jeez, I pity the poor the ******* who married that ****."
Guy next to me, turns and snarls, "That's my ****ing wife!"


Not one of my finer moments.
I was lucky I didn't mouthful of fist.

 

[copperpot]

I was playing Catch Phrase last summer, and my partner was a guy whose son had Down syndrome. Completely slipped my mind. So when my phrase was "Special Olympics," I said, "This is the athletic competition for retarded people."

Just as I'm saying "retarded people," I flash back to the pic of his son on the hutch near the table where we were playing. Never felt like such an ass. We won with that clue, and my partner coldly called it a night.

 

[alleyallen]

I was playing Catch Phrase last summer, and my partner was a guy whose son had Down syndrome. Completely slipped my mind. So when my phrase was "Special Olympics," I said, "This is the athletic competition for retarded people."

Just as I'm saying "retarded people," I flash back to the pic of his son on the hutch near the table where we were playing. Never felt like such an ass. We won with that clue, and my partner coldly called it a night.

That's the moment of "oh crap" I was referring to.