Hard Rock Park

[Trey Beamon]

Kevin Federline's cash grab: Snatch as many dollar bills as you can out of Britney Spears' mini golf hole-sized mouth.

Prizes include stained wife beater, convenience store-quality condoms and 4.3 minutes in the Rock Park studios to record your own rap album.

 

[Michael Echan]

I actually went there a couple weeks ago. TOTAL RIP-OFF. Led Zeppelin was the only decent ride in the park. Everything else there was second-rate. $50 a pop. The other coasters are geared towards little kids and just about everything else was forgetable. Do yourselves a favor and go to Broadway on the Beach, a Pelicans game, one of the million mini-golf parks (for lack of a better term right now) and -- of course -- the beach.

To keep with the current theme:

Ted Nugent's Tazer Tag & Firing Range: the vests that you were give the patron a mild electrical shock every time you are "shot." At the range, gun control advocates and flung into the sky while you take aim with a 12-gauge.

R. Kelly's Water Sports Park: that strange scent you smell ISN'T chlorine.

Michael Jackson's Thriller: Boys older than 13 and all women are not admitted.

 

[Batman]

I actually went there a couple weeks ago. TOTAL RIP-OFF. Led Zeppelin was the only decent ride in the park. Everything else there was second-rate. $50 a pop. The other coasters are geared towards little kids and just about everything else was forgetable.

So it was like Lollapalooza then?

 

[Claws for Concern]

Tunnel of Love -- Bret Michaels takes a turn with all passengers.

 

[Huggy]

Hank Williams Jr. Rock Climb

 

[playthrough]

The House of Rush. Thrill to the haunted house, frantically searching for the exit as a creature with a high-pitched wail chases you down. Most who encounter this attraction hate it, while other praise it for its complexity and high level of craftsmanship.

Hilarious.

 

[Captain_Kirk]

R. Kelly's Water Sports Park: that strange scent you smell ISN'T chlorine.

If there's a water park, one of the attractions should be the Brian Jones Wading Pool.

 

[Rumpleforeskin]

The Kurt Cobain Experience -- Take this one-of-a-kind ride for a whirl and it will certainly blow your mind. It'll send you up the charts to dizzying heights and then whip you down to the depths of peril. The ride will spiral out of control until it slams to a screeching halt.

 

[Captain_Kirk]

A word of warning: I might recommend avoiding the George Michaels' Mens Room.

 

[Overrated]

The Ray Charles X-Rated Maze - Try to feel your way through a pitch-black maze with crazy twists and turns. Make a wrong turn, you fall into a pool of water. Make a right turn, you get to have sex with one of the En Vogue singers. Throughout the maze, people throw **** at you and tell you to go the wrong way to see you fall. (You must be at least four inches to enter.)


I know that was dumb, but I don't give a ****.

 

[Batman]

Rage Against the Machine: The Ride -- No one is really sure what this ride is all about, just that when it's over they feel like they're supposed to be pissed off at the park owners.

The Who coaster -- Be sure to run to this popular ride first. Seating is first come, first serve, and no queue line means there's sure to be a crush at the entrance.

 

[Rumpleforeskin]

The Stevie Wonder Karaoke Bar -- First you will be blindfolded and asked to go on a darkened stage. This is when the fun begins! You must first be able to tell if there are really people clapping in the audience or is it just a fake crowd track. Once you finish your last song, get off stage and put out your hand to receive your payment for the performance. You guess whether it's real money or just ordinary paper. If you guess correctly, you get to keep what it is. If you guess wrong, then well, you just did another concert for free.

 

[novelist_wannabe]

Tunnel of Love -- Bret Michaels takes a turn with all passengers.

Pictures of Kurt Cobain and Woody Harrelson everywhere ...

 

[Batman]

The Stevie Wonder Karaoke Bar -- First you will be blindfolded and asked to go on a darkened stage. This is when the fun begins! You must first be able to tell if there are really people clapping in the audience or is it just a fake crowd track. Once you finish your last song, get off stage and put out your hand to receive your payment for the performance. You guess whether it's real money or just ordinary paper. If you guess correctly, you get to keep what it is.

Quick story...
Several years ago, Stevie Wonder was one of the celebrities riding in the Orpheus Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans. Some of his attendants are helping him throw beads to the crowd, guiding his hands in the right direction. One of my friends is trying to catch stuff, and as Wonder's float comes down the street he starts waving and yelling frantically, "Stevie! Over here!"
We still give him **** about that.

 

[Ronnie "Z-Man" Barzell]

R. Kelly's Water Sports Park: that strange scent you smell ISN'T chlorine.

If there's a water park, one of the attractions should be the Brian Jones Wading Pool.

You could also add Dennis Wilson's Ocean Adventure or Jeff Buckley's Lazy River.

 

[Mystery_Meat]

R. Kelly's Water Sports Park: that strange scent you smell ISN'T chlorine.

If there's a water park, one of the attractions should be the Brian Jones Wading Pool.

You could also add Dennis Wilson's Ocean Adventure or Jeff Buckley's Lazy River.

Dammit! I was queueing up to make the Jeff Buckley joke.

Oh well. Eric Clapton's Son's Drop Tower.

 

[93Devil]

What about a Led Zepplin fish sandwich?

 

[Huggy]

What about a Led Zepplin fish sandwich?

Have to be red snapper?

 

[BYH]

R. Kelly's Water Sports Park: that strange scent you smell ISN'T chlorine.

If there's a water park, one of the attractions should be the Brian Jones Wading Pool.

You could also add Dennis Wilson's Ocean Adventure or Jeff Buckley's Lazy River.

you sonofabitch! I was going to say Dennis Wilson!

Well, I add Scott Smith's Rafting to the equation. (hi Junkie!)

Oh well. Eric Clapton's Son's Drop Tower.

I have failed, not coming up with that first.

 

[Football_Bat]

When you get hungry, head on over to the Karen Carpenter Biscuit Buffet.