funny jokes

[wisportswriter]

A man is sitting in his living room when he hears a knock at the door. He goes to the door and sees no one. He looks around for a minute before giving up and returning to his couch.
A minute later there's another knock at the door. Again the man opens the door and sees no one. Now beginning to get agitated, he looks around before giving up and returning to the couch in a huff.
A minute later there's yet another knock. At first the man still sees nothing but then thinks to look down, where he sees a snail on the doorstep. Completely pissed off at this point, the man picks up the snail and chucks it as far as he can.

About two months later the same man is sitting in his living room when there's a knock at the door again. He opens the door and sees no one before looking down to see that very same snail. The snail looks up at the man and says, "What the **** was that for?"

 

[beefncheddar]

This was on a previous joke thread here:

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line," I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in holy water and pass into heaven.

The next nun admits that "Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged it a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on in here?" says St. Peter.

"Well your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "if I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

 

[Khartoum]

Been a while since I heard this one, so I'm sure I'm butchering it and taking all the funny away.

-----
A guy gets hit by a bus and goes to the Pearly Gates. When he sees St. Peter, he gets on his knees.

"Please, St. Peter. I need to go back to earth. Just five minutes. That's all I need."

"Ah, I understand," St. Peter says. "You want to say good-bye to your wife. We get that a lot. I'm sorry, I can't do that."

"No, that's not it," the guy says. "I was single. Please, just five minutes. I beg you."

"Ah, so you want to say goodbye to your parents?" St. Peter asks.

"No. They died a long time ago," he responds. "I don't need to see anybody. Five minutes, please. I must return. Just five minutes!"

At this point, St. Peter's getting very curious.

"Well, if you have no loved ones and no family, then what is it? What's so urgent? What do you need to do so desperately that could only take five minutes?"

"Erase my hard drive."

 

[dog428]

I used this one on a previous joke thread here, but hey, if we're recycling threads I can damn well recycle jokes.

Guy's at work when he gets a call from the hospital informing him that his wife has been in a car crash and he should come right away. He takes off, gets there in minutes and is met by the doc in the emergency room.
"How's my wife, doc?"
"Sir, let's have a seat. I'm afraid I've got some bad news," the doctor says.
With that the husband is on the verge of breaking down. He's shaking and yells out "Oh, God, no. I can't make it without her. Tell me she's not dead. Please, doc, tell me she's not dead. I can't take it." The doctor looks at the man and tells him his wife isn't dead.
"She's in very bad shape though. She suffered severe trauma and brain damage. She is in a persistent vegatative state from which she will never recover. She'll never be able to speak again, she'll never know who you are, who her kids are, who anyone is."
With that, the husband starts crying.
"On top of all that," the doctor continues, "you'll have to care for her for the rest of your life. She'll need to be given baths twice a day to avoid infections in the nasty bedsores that will undoubtedly pop up. She'll need to be fed by you. You'll have to change her diapers. I've taken a look at your insurance and it simply won't cover her medical costs. You need to think about what you can sell right away so you'll have at least $100,000 to cover the setup costs. And since you won't be able to work after your wife comes home, it would probably be a good idea if you went ahead and applied for some type of government assistance. Your life as you know it, sir, is over."
At this point the husband is almost on the floor. He's sobbing loudly and shaking and looks as if he's about to throw up.
The doctor reaches over, pulls the guy up, puts his arm around his shoulder. He waits for a break between the sobs, looks the husband in the eye, smiles and says, "Hey, I'm just screwin' with you. She's dead."

 

[DyePack]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[old_tony]

OK, here's one of my favorites:

Little Johnny is in the kitchen watching his mom bake cookies and asks if he can take the dog for a walk. Mom says that the dog is in heat so he can't. Johnny says "What's in heat mean?" The mom says, "Johnny, you're too young to understand. Go and talk to your father."

Johnny goes into the living room where Dad is watching a ballgame and says, "Dad, i want to take the dog for a walk, but Mom says she's in heat. What does that mean?"

The dad says, " Johnny, you're too young to understand, but I can fix it for you."

So the dad and Johnny go out to the garage with the dog, and the dad proceeds to pour a can of gasoline over the dog. "There, now the other dogs won't be able to pick up her scent," the dad says.

So Johnny takes the dog out for a walk and comes home about a half-hour later but doesn't have the dog with him. Dad jumps out of his chair. "Where's the dog? Where's the dog?"

And Johnny says: "She ran out of gas about a block away. There's another dog pushing her home."

 

[RAMBO]

OK, here's one of my favorites:

Little Johnny is in the kitchen watching his mom bake cookies and asks if he can take the dog for a walk. Mom says that the dog is in heat so he can't. Johnny says "What's in heat mean?" The mom says, "Johnny, you're too young to understand. Go and talk to your father."

Johnny goes into the living room where Dad is watching a ballgame and says, "Dad, i want to take the dog for a walk, but Mom says she's in heat. What does that mean?"

The dad says, " Johnny, you're too young to understand, but I can fix it for you."

So the dad and Johnny go out to the garage with the dog, and the dad proceeds to pour a can of gasoline over the dog. "There, now the other dogs won't be able to pick up her scent," the dad says.

So Johnny takes the dog out for a walk and comes home about a half-hour later but doesn't have the dog with him. Dad jumps out of his chair. "Where's the dog? Where's the dog?"

And Johnny says: "She ran out of gas about a block away. There's another dog pushing her home."

Now thats funny.

 

[PEteacher]

A cowboy was in Spain and didn't know what he wanted to eat at the restaurant, so he just pointed to something on the menu. The waiter, who knew English, replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning--A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily taken aback, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day, because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the cowboy returned and placed his order; then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After taking a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they're much, much smaller than the ones you served yesterday! Why is that?" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Sometimes the bull wins."

I just read all the jokes in this thread straight through, and laughing my ass off the whole way. There was some great ones. But, IMHO, this one was Number 1.

 

[Norman Stansfield]

Two terrorists were chatting.

One pulled out his wallet and flipped through the photographs.

"This is my oldest. He is a martyr," he said proudly. "And this is my second-oldest. He too is a martyr."

"Ahhh," said the second terrorist. "They blow up so fast."

 

[Rusty Shackleford]

I think I've posted this here before, but what the hey...

Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?







A: If we stick together, we can stop this ****.

 

[User 1019]

Two antennas atop a skyscraper fell madly in love and decided to get married.

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great.

----------------------

A group of four old men were standing on a tee box next to the road when a funeral procession passes by.

The man standing over his ball prepping for a tee shot suddenly stops, backs away from the ball, removes his hat and waits for the procession to pass.

"That very respectful, John," an old man said. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"It's the least I can do," John replied. "We were married for 42 years."

 

[joe]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

 

[MTM]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
The judge says, "Mr. Mouse, I understand you want to divorce your wife because you claim she's crazy.'
"No your honor," exclaimed Mickey. "I said she's ****ing Goofy."

 

[dog428]

A group of four old men were standing on a tee box next to the road when a funeral procession passes by.

The man standing over his ball prepping for a tee shot suddenly stops, backs away from the ball, removes his hat and waits for the procession to pass.

"That very respectful, John," an old man said. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"It's the least I can do," John replied. "We were married for 42 years."

Same theme.

Guy gets home from his weekly golf game and his wife notices he's looking rather fatigued.

Wife: "Honey, what's wrong? You look awful."
Husband: "Well, it's been one helluva day. We're standing on the first tee box this morning, waiting to tee off, and ol' Charlie has a heart attack. Just slumps over right there at our feet."
W: "Oh, my. How's he doing?"
H:"He didn't make it. Died right there on the course."
W: "That's terrible. I guess that really did make for a long day."
H: "Sure as hell did. All day long, it was hit one, and drag ol' Charlie. Hit one, and drag ol' Charlie."

 

[Monday Morning Sportswriter]

Why is a girl's favorite number 77?

Because it's like 69, only you get 8 more.

 

[BigDog]

Why is my favorite number 68?

Because I get head, then tell her I'll owe her one.

 

[kokane_muthashed]

"So there's Papa Tomato, Momma Tomato and Baby Tomato walking along the street. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato starts getting really angry. So, he turns around and squishes Baby Tomato and says, 'Ketchup.'"

 

[User 1019]

"So there's Papa Tomato, Momma Tomato and Baby Tomato walking along the street. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato starts getting really angry. So, he turns around and squishes Baby Tomato and says, 'Ketchup.'"

That's pretty good, KM.

 

[Walter_Sobchak]

Outing alert:
KM is

 

[kokane_muthashed]

That stolen avatar of yours kicks mucho asso.