Five things you should never do before sex

[Killick]

Huffington Post gives us an article advising against five actions before doing the deed.

5 Things You Should Never Do Before Sex

I thought the hucksters here at SJ.com could come up with a better, more informed list.

Like:
• Never pay in advance
• Offer a specialty beverage you call a "Cosby Cocktail," or
• Make them read your latest column first

So, commers, what have you?

 

[TheSportsPredictor]

Kill her.

 

[Riptide]

Don't tell her she's a 4.

 

[Spartan Squad]

Rick Stain said he would, thought I'd give it a go

 

[93Devil]

Say the extra weight looks good on her...

 

[Ace]

Have sex. Unless you're confident or popping the little blue pill.

 

[Mr. Sluggo]

Fondle the antlers unless your sure it's really dead.

 

[Riptide]

Don't tell her you're not a vegan. That's your exit strategy.

 

[Vombatus]

Venture into the cornfield without a blanket.

 

[Evil ... Thy name is Orville Redenbacher!!]

Put a strap on your female scarecrow.

Take your pig out to Walmart.

 

[Evil ... Thy name is Orville Redenbacher!!]

I'd say cry, but I suspect that's a common tactic for long-time married men.
So, I've heard.

 

[Mystery Meat II]

Her sister.

 

[heyabbott]

Taco Bell
Taco Bell
Taco Bell
Taco Bell
Taco Bell

 

[Shropshire Slasher]

Taco Bell
Taco Bell
Taco Bell
Taco Bell
Taco Bell

That applies to both the front door and the back door.

 

[Killick]

Fondle the antlers unless your sure it's really dead.

Bravo.

 

[Huggy]

Do you leave your wallet in the trunk or the wheel well whilst in the cornfield? I forget.

 

[Jake_Taylor]

Sober up.

 

[amraeder]

Say "Does this smell like Chloroform to you?"

 

[Riptide]

Question her loyalty to the Steelers.

 

[HC]

Ask if he's been in the pool.