E-mails from an asshole

[mustangj17]

Guy sends out e-mail responses to classified ads basically acting like an asshole. Then he publishes the responses he gets.

Here is one of my favorites:

Original ad:
I am trying to get 2 tickets to the Nationals vs. Red Sox on Thursday, June 25th. I'm willing to pay up to $40.

From Mike Partlow to **********@**********.org
Hello, I do not have tickets to the Nationals, but I do have a video tape of my 7-year-old's little league team game last week. He plays for the Arby's Allstars, and they beat the Smith Hardware Little Leaguers. I am sure it will be way more entertaining than watching the Nationals get their ass whooped for the 49th time this season.


From austin ******* to Me
**** yourself, asshole.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******
Austin, my 7-year-old son was on the computer and he read your very offensive e-mail. Now he is going around telling everyone to "**** themselves." Me and my wife tried to raise him to be a kid who doesn't curse, but thanks to your profanity, he thinks it is okay. I demand an apology from you.

From austin ******* to Me
You want my apology? Go **** yourself.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******
I did have the tickets; I was just messing around with you. They were good seats - 10 rows back from third base. I was going to sell them both for $30. I would rather burn them, however, if you don't apologize. If you do apologize, the tickets will be yours.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******
I'm waiting...

From austin ******* to Me
I'm sorry about your kid.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******
Hah, what a sucker. I made you look like little ***** in front of my 7-year-old son. I don't actually have any tickets. Thanks for helping me teach my son a lesson about how not to keep your dignity.

Mike


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There are tons of good ones ... dontevenreply.com

 

[PeteyPirate]

Looks like the Jerky Boys got a computer.

 

[proudpittsburgher]

You were right, basically, he an asshole. And he's not funny. Looks like someone who really needs an ass kicking.

 

[Care Bear]

I'm sorry. I know this is immature, and he is an asshole. But I just had to get up and close my office door because I was hyena-laughing at some of these.

Loved this one:

Original ad:
Looking for a pool manager for our hotel pool starting in July 2009. You must be certified and have prior experience lifeguarding. You will be in charge of several lifeguards for this position. Contact if interested.
From Mike Partlow to ***********@********.org

Hi, my name is Mike Partlow. I am interested in the position of Pool Manager for your hotel. Here is why I feel I am qualified for the position:

- I am an ex Navy SEAL. Water is my blood.
- I have saved countless lives on 3 different continents. I once saved an entire submarine crew from drowning in the artic.
- I am highly trained in underwater combat. I am prepared to handle any situation that may danger this pool.

I will make sure that this pool is safer than the Hau River during US occupation. Under my watch, pool casualties will be minimal. I will oversee a lifeguard "hellweek" style training program that I will make sure all the lifeguards under my command complete prior to serving for the hotel. Saftey of all pool guests is my top priority. I will also make every pool guest go through an intense underwater survival program before they are allowed to enter the pool.

Nobody drowns on my watch. NOBODY.

I look forward to working with your hotel.

- Mike

From Mark ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow,

Thank you for your application. Unfortunately, you seem a little over-qualified for this position. We already have a program in place for our lifeguards and do not want our guests to have to go through any extreme measures in order to use our facilities.

Thank You,

Mark ********
******* Hotel Staff

 

[TheSportsPredictor]

Looks like the Jerky Boys got a computer.

Funnier than any of the emails.

 

[Some Guy]

Original ad:
WE PAY TO CUT YOUR HAIR!
We are a hair styling school that is looking for volunteers to get their hair styled/dyed by our students. We will pay you up to $50. Preferably women/girls
From Mike Anderson to *********@*********.org

Hey! I saw your ad saying you will pay cash to cut my hair! Well I just got my head shaved, but I haven't trimmed my pubes in about five months. They are pretty gnarly, and I jammed my beard trimmer trying to cut them earlier. How much would you pay me to trim my pubes?

Mike

From *********@yahoo.com to Mike Anderson

Mike,

Sorry but we do not trim pubic hair. This is more of a hair dying and styling place.

Thanks!

From Mike Anderson to *********@yahoo.com

That works for me too. My pubes are very curly, but I've always wanted to get them straightened. Would you be able to do that? Maybe you could put some highlights in, and just shape up my split ends. Also, do you have some kind of conditioner that would take care of my crabs problem? My prescription ointment doesn't really do the job.

Where are you located? I am free all day tomorrow.

From *********@yahoo.com to Mike Anderson

Mike we work on HEADS ONLY. SORRY.

From Mike Anderson to *********@yahoo.com

Here's what I am willing to do. You style my pubes, and I'll accept $40 cash instead of $50. You can even donate my pubes to those people with cancer who need hair, if you want.

From *********@yahoo.com to Mike Anderson

NO. That is disgusting. Leave us alone!

Previous | Next

 

[Rumpleforeskin]

I'm holding back tears in the office.

Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org

Hello,

I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.

When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

From marty ******* to Me

absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?

Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.

How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?

I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."

From marty ******* to Me

Hey listen asshole. You are a ****in idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a ****ing fridge up there is with an elevator. **** off.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

So see you Tuesday?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

shut the **** up.

 

[Flying Headbutt]

Haven't laughed yet.

 

[RickStain]

Haven't laughed yet.

I have, but I have the sense to be ashamed of myself for it.

 

[Oggiedoggie]

He should have asked if the refrigerator was running.

That would have been much funnier.

 

[ArnoldBabar]

If you like this sort of thing but would prefer it actually humorous, "Letters From A Nut" is a must-read. Seinfeld (under a pen name) sends oddball letters to companies and prints their surprisingly earnest replies. Maybe the funniest book I've ever read.

 

[linotype]

If you like this sort of thing but would prefer it actually humorous, "Letters From A Nut" is a must-read. Seinfeld (under a pen name) sends oddball letters to companies and prints their surprisingly earnest replies. Maybe the funniest book I've ever read.

You beat me to the punch -- was just about to say these emails would be funnier if they had been authored by Ted L. Nancy.

 

[Care Bear]

Okay. I can't even speak...my cheeks are so wet...gushing tears of laughter. I know this is so immature.

This one was a little tricky. If you didn't figure it out, I am both Mike Anderson and Kira Anderson.
Original ad:
i am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow, good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal value!
From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org
CC: Kira Anderson

Hey,

I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my ***** of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little **** that ****s just about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in $200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose ***** that will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me know if you are interested. Does the Wrangler come with a title?

From Jim ***** to Me

Ha ha! Very funny. I am married and don't think I would be interested in your wife. Thanks for the offer though!

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

OH **** YOU MIKE!! DROP ****ING DEAD!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SCUMBAG PIECE OF **** I ****ING HATE YOU!!!

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

**** YOU, you stupid *****cat! What are you doing on the computer? I figured you were ****ing Steve again. Or how about our neighbor? I'm sure he's looking to stick his **** in some rotten *****. You ****ing ****.

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

MIKE YOU ****ING ASSHOLE THIS IS IT. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME TODAY BECAUSE ILL BE WAITING WITH A ****IN KNIFE

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Ooh I'm real ****ing scared. It might be kind of hard to stab me with 10 inches of black **** in your mouth you ****ing *****

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Hey you two sound like a great couple and all, but could you stop including me in these e-mails? I really don't think this concerns me.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

TELL YOU WHAT JIM ILL BUY YOUR ****ING WRANGLER SO I CAN RUN OVER MY PIECE OF **** HUSBAND WITH IT

From Mike Anderson to Jim *****, Kira Anderson

Jim don't sell it to her. She'll probably pick up a random dude and crash the jeep while she's sucking his ****.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

**** YOU

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Will both of you shut the **** up and stop e-mailing me? Jesus ****ing christ man c'mon!

 

[Oggiedoggie]

It would have been funnier if he would have asked if the guy would trade the Wrangler for Sir Walter Raleigh in a can.

 

[Starman]

I'm gonna e-mail a bowling alley and ask if they have 16-pound balls. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH

: : :

 

[mustangj17]

I'm gonna e-mail a bowling alley and ask if they have 16-pound balls. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH

: : :

Nope, only 12. They had to downsize.

 

[imjustagirl]

Oddly enough, this is what I call my folder of e-mails from BYH.

 

[JackReacher]

This is ****ing hilarious. I'm in tears.

 

[outofplace]

Oddly enough, this is what I call my folder of e-mails from BYH.

Yet another post that is funnier than any of the emails from the asshole.

 

[Mystery Meat II]

I'm guessing it's not ACTUALLY an asshole typing them ...