Dealing with divorce

[bydesign77]

Not mine, thank God, but possibly my parents. Keep in mind I'm going on just a couple of hours sleep, so if this doesn't make sense, please forgive me.

My mom called me hysterical this morning, about 2 a.m., that my dad informed her that he didn't want to married to her anymore and was leaving. He swore than wasn't another woman, but his track record doesn't preclude that being a possibility.

They had just returned from a trip to Arizona to see my brother pitch -- a trip that I accompanied them for a couple of days over the weekend -- at about 1:30 this morning. My mom had just put on her PJs, let the dogs out, washed her face and was getting into bed when Dad dropped the bomb.

After she called me, I called my brother, who threatened to fly home if Mom didn't call her best friend. I woke up the wife and we drove to Augusta.

My parents have been married for 33 years. They just celebrated their anniversary on the 16th and my dad's birthday is today. Nothing about his behavior while I was with them out west indicated this was coming.

I'm worried about my mom. She's been with my dad since she was 15 years old. They were high school sweethearts and married just 10 days after my mom graduated high school. He served 20 years in the Army and my mom followed him around the world.

I'm pissed at my dad for the cowardly way he did this. I'm pissed because my mom is going to be helpless without him. I'm pissed because she will have to answer all the phone calls from the family today wishing my dad Happy Birthday today, and if she doesn't answer the phone, they'll just keep calling.

My mom's job has insurance, but she has enjoyed using the military system healthcare. She needs a knee surgery soon and won't have the means if she isn't on my dad's plan. So I'm pissed about that.

I'm almost 30 years old and this is hitting me hard. I know they have had problems in the past, but who hasn't. My dad won't answer his cell phone right now and I have no idea where he is. All of his friends are friends with my mom as well, so I can't imagine him being on someone's couch somewhere and us not knowing about it.

I sat up with my mom until she took a muscle relaxer and fell asleep on the couch about 5 this morning. I grabbed about an hour of sleep before I had to make the 2.5 hour drive back to work at 9 a.m. Her best friend and my wife are both with her right now.

The three of them just went to lunch and my mom has a hair appointment this afternoon to help take her mind off of the situation. At some point, Mrs. ByDesign77 will have to head home to meet with the AC people to fix our broken unit, which crapped out yesterday as well, not good in the 95-degree Georgia summer.

I have no clue what to do. I feel like I should talk to my dad and have him try to work his issues out with someone. I'm pissed at the way he handled this and pissed he didn't at least try to talk to me about it. He's been my role model all my life and this is a serious blow to me. I love my parents. I know my mom can be a pain in the ass at times and difficult to deal with, but that's no reason to throw all this away. Hell, if my grandma and grandpa can make it 50-plus years with almost half of that with pa-pa an alcoholic, I think this can be cleaned up.

I can't imagine what kind of blow this is to a young child. I can barely handle the situation as an adult. And without much sleep, this is all starting to make my head hurt.

I'm not really looking for advice, though I won't turn it away. I just needed somewhere to vent my frustrations and well, given how much time I spend on here, this seemed to be the place.

 

[PeteyPirate]

My parents divorced six years ago, after 28 years of marriage. Similar situation, with my dad wanting to leave and my mom caught off guard. I thought I could "talk sense" into my dad, but that was a futile effort. I was 25 at the time. I thought it wouldn't be such a big deal since I was an adult, but it was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. It's like your home is not your home any more. Best of luck.

 

[21]

BD: What a sad story....you are a good person to care so deeply and be there for your mom. I know it sounds like the obvious thing to do, but not everyone responds that way.

If you want your dad to talk to you, leave him message after message but don't attack or show anger...that is what he'll probably expect. Let him know you care about both your parents and you need him in your life.

Good luck to you and your family.

 

[shotglass]

I'd say talk with your dad, byd, and I don't quite agree with playing nice here. I don't know what kind of dynamic you have with him, but he should know how pissed you are. It's YOUR family, too. That's the thing a lot of divorcing couples don't realize. It's not just about them.

 

[Columbo]

It's almost like leaving a person to drown.

 

[alleyallen]

ByDesign ... my sympathies indeed. My parents divorced and I've been through two as well. It sucks ass.

That said, your dad's sudden turnaround, and his somewhat mysterious behavior, could indicate a real problem in other areas. Perhaps your dad is clinically depressed or has suffered another problem. I'm not trying to be snide about it, but if you do connect with your dad, see if he has any signs of some problem that goes beyond years of unhappiness with marriage. There has to have been a trigger for him to end it the way he did.

 

[Ace]

I've got no experience here. Just want to wish you good luck, byd.

Just be there for both of them as best you can.

 

[Idaho]

Ouch. If my parents, married 40 years next month, dropped that bomb on us kids we'd be devestated beyond words. The baby in our family is 25 now, but it'd rip a hole in each one of us adults.

My 5-year-old overheard Uma and I having a small, but vocal disagreement - nothing major, nothing important. She ran in with tears in her eyes saying something about how she hopes we don't get a divorce. We weren't on that path, I don't think, but it was a wakeup call for both of us just to not fight or argue at al if we can avoid it.

ByD, I hope things work out and this is just a blip. My prayers are with you.

 

[Freelance Hack]

BYD, my thoughts are with you and your family.

Divorce at any age is a rough ordeal on everyone involved, both directly and indirectly. I can tell you that I've strongly considered divorcing my wife for the last year, but the only reason why I haven't done it is because I don't want to live away from my son.

Does that make me a chicken****? Does that make me a good father? I don't think it makes me either one.

Sometimes one person just decides that he (or she) has had enough and want to move on. Are they being selfish? Yes, but if they're leading a miserable life, shouldn't they have the choice of leaving? Not trying to defend your father here, but there's never going a good time to tell your spouse that you want a divorce.

Be strong for your mother at this time, and when you reach your dad, don't talk to him at first. Please listen to what he has to say.

Good luck.

 

[Cadet]

Wow, I can't even imagine what a mind**** this is.

There's a great George Strait song called "She Let Herself Go" that might be of comfort to your mom down the line.

 

[Boom_70]

Byd - my prayers go out you and your family. I tend to agree with Ally - there had to be some trigger that made your dad come to this decision. You need to find out what that was. You seem to express that your Mother needs you but your dad does as well. I would approach him in non judgemental fashion and find out the story. He is probably expecting you to be angry and will be releaved if you are supportive -- as difficult as it might be.

Does your mom use crest whiteners? Oh ... never mind.

As far as health insurance it would be a long while before your mother lost it so don't worry about that too much.

 

[Ace]

Freelance,

Have you and your wife talked to anybody? Might be a good step. If you are miserable, you gotta take some action.

 

[Lugnuts]

bd,

I have a dear friend who's a divorce lawyer and reps a lot of women.  I can't tell you how common this is.  The male mid-life crisis is NOT a figment of societal imagination.  It's very real.  There's a very moving article in the NY Times I will try to find at some point today and link.  It's about a woman who dedicated her life to her family, and her husband did exactly what your dad is doing.  Fortunately your mom works!!  Thank God.  My lawyer friend reps so many women who've dedicated their lives to family and have no marketable job skills.  The stories would break your heart.

If your dad is serious about this-- and it looks like he is-- support your mom emotionally as much as you can.  Use your journalistic skills to find her the BEST, BEST, BEST lawyer available.  Somebody with a proven track record in Augusta.  You want your mom to be taken care of, and unfortunately, you can't always rely on a husband going through mid-life crisis to do it.  Even before the divorce is final, a judge can issue an order for her to get the health benefits and the financial support she needs for her surgery.

I'm so sorry, and best wishes to your mom--- Find her one hell of a kick-ass lawyer!!!!!!!!

 

[Boom_70]

bd,

I have a dear friend who's a divorce lawyer and reps a lot of women.  I can't tell you how common this is.  The male mid-life crisis is NOT a figment of societal imagination.  It's very real.  There's a very moving article in the NY Times I will try to find at some point today and link.  It's about a woman who dedicated her life to her family, and her husband did exactly what your dad is doing.  Fortunately your mom works!!  Thank God.  My lawyer friend reps so many women who've dedicated their lives to family and have no marketable job skills.  The stories would break your heart.

If your dad is serious about this-- and it looks like he is-- support your mom emotionally as much as you can.  Use your journalistic skills to find her the BEST, BEST, BEST lawyer available.  Somebody with a proven track record in Augusta.  You want your mom to be taken care of, and unfortunately, you can't always rely on a husband going through mid-life crisis to do it.  Even before the divorce is final, a judge can issue an order for her to get the health benefits and the financial support she needs for her surgery.

I'm so sorry, and best wishes to your mom--- Find her one hell of a kick-ass lawyer!!!!!!!!

Luggy - its a two way street. Why are you assuming that BD's dad is the one at fault here? Maybe he needs a good lawyer as well.

 

[PeteyPirate]

It's a good point. Sometimes people just grow apart.

 

[Major Batman]

I went through this about 10 years ago so I can provide some perspective looking back on it.

My parents were married 25 years. My Dad had an affair with my mom's best friend. I had no idea - I lived 3 hours away. He called me at work - I was 24 - and dropped the bomb.

I had also idolized my Dad and this was quite a blow. I tried to be there for both my mom and him - tried to understand. We basically reversed the roles we had for the prior quarter century. That lasted for a few months with some attempted reconciles.

The tension finally caught up with me and I went off on my Dad like I never talked to anyone before or since. All the frustration, the disappointment, and the anger came pouring out. He just took it. I guess he felt he had it coming.

Our relationship has never been the same. He rarely visits my family (or my sister's). He calls on birthdays or when he wants some sports info. We visit him a couple of times a year so he can have some involvement with my daughter. I'm reminded of the line from Look who's Talking?, "I'm going through my selfish phase." That aptly describes his last ten years.

When you talk to your Dad, make sure he realizes what this is doing to all the parties involved. He thinks he knows, but he needs to hear it from someone who isn't his wife. In my opinion, keep the dialogue open and try to see what his major issues are. Sometimes there is so much history in a relationship, the problems just manifest themselves to point where giving up seems like the best option. Gaining perspective is the key there. Some things can be fixed if they are identified.

It does suck and the first days and first conversations are the worst. Just continue to be there for your Mom. I know you will.

 

[SF_Express]

My ex and I are good friends -- but at some point, I just didn't want to be married anymore. I stayed married for finances, for the kids -- that should have been first -- but not for romantic love. This is no secret to her, obviously.

Shotty, I respect you a great deal -- but here's the thing. Maybe it's not all about them. But it IS about them, and them being happy, too.

My kids hated my divorce -- they never stopped loving me, I don't think, but they weren't happy with me. But I had to do it, at some point. I went through the motions -- it was easy, because we were friends -- for a long time. That's no way to live the rest of your life.

Dad indeed might have a problem here -- but he also might have hung on for the sake of the family as long as he could. That's not a happy thought, but it might be true.

And Luggy, Mom ought to find the lawyer my ex had -- although I pretty much just punted on everything to make it easy.

 

[Lugnuts]

Guys, that's true.  And sometimes it's the woman's fault.

But in the scenario bd described, 99 times out of 100 it's the man, and he's got a honey.  I hate to be so blunt-- it's heart-breaking.

But the good news is, it's very difficult for a man in this situation to hide the money and hide the honey.  A good lawyer will get to the bottom of this easily and quickly.

SF, I'm sure you're a good guy who would never deny an ex-wife the resources she needed.

 

[Boom_70]

My ex and I are good friends -- but at some point, I just didn't want to be married anymore. I stayed married for finances, for the kids -- that should have been first -- but not for romantic love. This is no secret to her, obviously.

Shotty, I respect you a great deal -- but here's the thing. Maybe it's not all about them. But it IS about them, and them being happy, too.

My kids hated my divorce -- they never stopped loving me, I don't think, but they weren't happy with me. But I had to do it, at some point. I went through the motions -- it was easy, because we were friends -- for a long time. That's no way to live the rest of your life.

Dad indeed might have a problem here -- but he also might have hung on for the sake of the family as long as he could. That's not a happy thought, but it might be true.

And Luggy, Mom ought to find the lawyer my ex had -- although I pretty much just punted on everything to make it easy.

SF seems like you took a very enlightened approach. I am just not sure whey so many people get so hung up on the money aspect. If you are so unhappy its seems to me that a clean divorce would be priceless. You have your freedom and can go on and make your next fortune.

You might even be more successful at whatever you do without the noose around your neck that is pulling you down.

 

[Chi City 81]

My ex and I are good friends -- but at some point, I just didn't want to be married anymore. I stayed married for finances, for the kids -- that should have been first -- but not for romantic love. This is no secret to her, obviously.

Shotty, I respect you a great deal -- but here's the thing. Maybe it's not all about them. But it IS about them, and them being happy, too.

My kids hated my divorce -- they never stopped loving me, I don't think, but they weren't happy with me. But I had to do it, at some point. I went through the motions -- it was easy, because we were friends -- for a long time. That's no way to live the rest of your life.

Dad indeed might have a problem here -- but he also might have hung on for the sake of the family as long as he could. That's not a happy thought, but it might be true.

And Luggy, Mom ought to find the lawyer my ex had -- although I pretty much just punted on everything to make it easy.

SF seems like you took a very enlightened approach. I am just not sure whey so many people get so hung up on the money aspect. If you are so unhappy its seems to me that a clean divorce would be priceless. You have your freedom and can go on and make your next fortune.

You might even be more successful at whatever you do without the noose around your neck that is pulling you down.

A lot of people might get hung up on the money because of something that was mentioned earlier: women who devoted themselves to family and leave themselves with no marketable job skills once they're on their own.

That was my mom. She got the bombshell in Sept. '04, in their 25th year of marriage. She was happy as a hog with her life, and was looking forward to living a happily retired life with my dad when they both reached that age -- taking trips, spoiling grandchildren, the works. But my dad had his mid-life crisis, then he started having someone else on the side, and then it all exploded.

Now my mom's on her own, at 46, for the first time in a quarter-century, and trying to figure out what to do with her life again. :'(

No offense to your dad, buckdub, but I hope your mom took him for half his net worth.