Crossed Giblets of Death: The SJ Thanksgiving Family Therapy Thread

[21]

Last year's thread (generously titled by the great Fenian) saved me about $30,000 in psychotherapy, legal fees, oven repairs, and medical bills.

I told them not to eat the cheesecake.

Have at it. Your uncle who can fart 'Dixie', your brother with the mascara, your sister-in-law who makes everyone play Candy Bar Charades ("two syllables...woman...girl....her....HER? ok....woman again? I need more....her....HERHER?....Damn!....she? SHE? HER SHE?? HERSHEY!! YAY!! Who's next??!).

We are here for you.

In the meantime, I can see on my caller ID that every member of my family has called this morning, prior to their terrorist plot to destroy me once and for all impending arrival, and I am afraid to listen to the messages.

I will say a little prayer for all of us.

 

[Pastor]

Like I have done for quite a few years, I will wake up early to play soccer. I will be drunk before noon. Then I will watch football and eat a lot of food. I expect a minimum of two different languages to be spoken at the dinner table and that the language I understand will not be the one expected of me.

In short... this is my favorite holiday. The rest pale in comparison.

 

[OTD]

I will be sitting at work, living vicariously through your posts. So, please, let's hear from everyone's Uncle Henry and Aunt Bertha. And 21, it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without your mom stopping by.

 

[imjustagirl2]

I'll also be working after giving up a chance to go home to stay and work desk. So please...make it worthwhile.

 

[Fenian_Bastard]

It's just four of us. No travelling. No relatives.
Plus Kid No. 2 turns -- in a masterpiece of multilevel thread irony -- 21 on Friday.
I suspect we might all eat dinner in our pajamas.

 

[imjustagirl2]

Fenian,

Four peas.

 

[sportschick]

I'm working as well and this will be the first Thanksgiving where I haven't gone to a relative's, so entertain me please!

 

[Ace]

We will eat at relatives where Mrs. Ace's folks from all around will gather.

We will gobble down dry turkey and three kinds of broccoli casserole (whose turn was it to bring the broccoli casserole this year?).

The ones from out of town will then quickly head to whatever stores are open for Thanksgiving to shop for whatever they may be selling.

Heartwarming, I tell you.

 

[shotglass]

"One goes out ... and THEY ALL GO OUT!!!"





(Whoops. Get back to you next month.)

 

[Sam Mills 51]

I'll also be working after giving up a chance to go home to stay and work desk. So please...make it worthwhile.

Yes. Share. Often. Some of us will need to forget we're on the desk. And the buffet that will probably make me sick.

 

[Fenian_Bastard]

Fenian,

Four peas.

That's dessert. after the ice cream.

 

[novelist_wannabe]

My crew is going to my brother's house and we're taking two cars because I have to work Friday, when my in-laws are having their Thanksgiving dinner to accommodate my brother-in-law, who has to work tomorrow. What I'm missing: After dinner, The males all get together and shoot skeet over the cornfield next to my mother-in-law's house. Hey, you try shooting three clay pigeons with three .20 gauge shells on three shots mere hours after having partaken of l. tryptophan (or however the hell you spell it). I've actually made that shot once in 17 years. Then again, this is the one day a year I pick up a firearm. Meanwhile, the females will play a board game of some variety of board game, which will keep them inside where it's warm and allow them free rein to talk about the males.

 

[Fenian_Bastard]

My crew is going to my brother's house and we're taking two cars because I have to work Friday, when my in-laws are having their Thanksgiving dinner to accommodate my brother-in-law, who has to work tomorrow. What I'm missing: After dinner, The males all get together and shoot skeet over the cornfield next to my mother-in-law's house. Hey, you try shooting three clay pigeons with three .20 gauge shells on three shots mere hours after having partaken of l. tryptophan (or however the hell you spell it). I've actually made that shot once in 17 years. Then again, this is the one day a year I pick up a firearm. Meanwhile, the females will play a board game of some variety of board game, which will keep them inside where it's warm and allow them free rein to talk about the males.

Let the wimmenfolk shoot, consarn it!

 

[JR]

Jesus, after Thanksgiving at our house I wouldn't let anybody within a hundred yards of a loaded gun.

Several glasses of wine + shotgun = one less sibling.

 

[21]

Hello, will you accept a collect call from...
(Pause)
'Hello? 21? Darling are you there, it's your mothe...'

Will you accept the charges?

My whole life, summed up by an ATT recording: will I accept the charges?

I will. I accept. I accept all charges.

'Yes,' I sigh to the ATT recording, no doubt made by a woman who has never had Thanksgiving for twenty out of towners.

Thank you! says ATT woman, have pleasant day. Too late, ATT woman, you heartless *****. Too late.

'Hello? 21? Can you hear me?'
'I hear you mother, where are you?'
'We're here, dear, at the little motel, it was so wonderful of you to think of this place, they have free ice, did you know that, dear? We drove in with the Rubensteins, do you remember them, they have the glass company, their son Larry owns it now, do you remember Larry asked you to the homecoming dance your freshman year, we were so disappointed you didn't want to go with him, all that glass...'

Pause while mother thinks about all that glass. I give her a moment to collect herself.

'So we drove with them, they're staying over at that lovely Hyatt, they thought we should move over there, but i said, 'no, 21 has gone to a lot of trouble to get us a room at this sweet little motel, and it's just fine with us!' Really, what is she going to do at that big hotel, get massages and watch HBO all day? Some people just cannot find enough ways to waste their money! I would not want you to waste your money on us, dear, I know how hard you work at that nice sports job, is it still sports, darling? That is just fascinating, I think so many girls outgrow that whole 'i can do a man's job' phase, how wonderful that you just stick with it! Should I bring ice tomorrow, dear?'

'The Hyatt was booked, Mom...I called the Embassy Suites because Leeza [sister] is staying there so the kids had an indoor pool....' [Note, her real name is Lisa, but she changed it to Leeza, we don't know why.]

'Well, of course, I really don't have much need for the swimming pool, dear, the chlorine gives me such a rash, when Lou and I were in Boca last spring we went in the pool at the club, my hoohoo was itchy for a week, the doctor said the pool was dangerously over chlorinated, I almost called you to see if you had a newspaper friend who could look into it! Really, it was the worst experience....'

No. It was not. I'm having a worse one right now.

 

[Ace]

Did you find a newspaper friend to look into your mother's hoohoo, 21?

 

[Fenian_Bastard]

Jesus, after Thanksgiving at our house I wouldn't let anybody within a hundred yards of a loaded gun.

Several glasses of wine + shotgun = one less sibling.

But, on the positive side, your uncle apparently is vice-president of the United States

 

[OTD]

Ah, yes, Mamma 21. It's not a holiday without her!

'The Hyatt was booked, Mom...I called the Embassy Suites because Leeza [sister] is staying there so the kids had an indoor pool....' [Note, her real name is Lisa, but she changed it to Leeza, we don't know why.]

Note that Leeza is only a small step from Liza. Perhaps you'll meet your sister in an airport one day.

 

[21]

Did you find a newspaper friend to look into your mother's hoohoo, 21?

I posted it on the Jobs board, and we never saw Tron again.

 

[slappy4428]

Hello, will you accept a collect call from...
(Pause)
'Hello? 21? Darling are you there, it's your mothe...'

Will you accept the charges?

My whole life, summed up by an ATT recording: will I accept the charges?

I will. I accept. I accept all charges.

'Yes,' I sigh to the ATT recording, no doubt made by a woman who has never had Thanksgiving for twenty out of towners.

Thank you! says ATT woman, have pleasant day. Too late, ATT woman, you heartless *****. Too late.

'Hello? 21? Can you hear me?'
'I hear you mother, where are you?'
'We're here, dear, at the little motel, it was so wonderful of you to think of this place, they have free ice, did you know that, dear? We drove in with the Rubensteins, do you remember them, they have the glass company, their son Larry owns it now, do you remember Larry asked you to the homecoming dance your freshman year, we were so disappointed you didn't want to go with him, all that glass...'

Pause while mother thinks about all that glass. I give her a moment to collect herself.

'So we drove with them, they're staying over at that lovely Hyatt, they thought we should move over there, but i said, 'no, 21 has gone to a lot of trouble to get us a room at this sweet little motel, and it's just fine with us!' Really, what is she going to do at that big hotel, get massages and watch HBO all day? Some people just cannot find enough ways to waste their money! I would not want you to waste your money on us, dear, I know how hard you work at that nice sports job, is it still sports, darling? That is just fascinating, I think so many girls outgrow that whole 'i can do a man's job' phase, how wonderful that you just stick with it! Should I bring ice tomorrow, dear?'

'The Hyatt was booked, Mom...I called the Embassy Suites because Leeza [sister] is staying there so the kids had an indoor pool....' [Note, her real name is Lisa, but she changed it to Leeza, we don't know why.]

'Well, of course, I really don't have much need for the swimming pool, dear, the chlorine gives me such a rash, when Lou and I were in Boca last spring we went in the pool at the club, my hoohoo was itchy for a week, the doctor said the pool was dangerously over chlorinated, I almost called you to see if you had a newspaper friend who could look into it! Really, it was the worst experience....'

No. It was not. I'm having a worse one right now.

Breathe deeply. Pretend your mother isnt rearranging cupboards, complaining about putting rosemary in the rutabega and asking you to do A) and before you can move to do it, wants you to do B right now...
On the bright side, there are four bottles of wine in the house, just waiting to be opened....